Well, we have been mauled. England finally gave us a breather by declaring on 1/517. We took one wicket in about 2 full days of cricket. One. Not two, not three, not four or more, but one. Taken by a part time bowler who I have already said won't play the full series. England's top 3 all got very good hundreds with Cook, who I really now need to admit is decent at this level, making a big double. If not for the ever nice Andrew Strauss sending us in to have a nice little net before the second Test, I fear Cook and Trott would still be batting now; in the dark and continuing to grind us down.
The reason I never rated Cook is that as my wife pointed out, when I was forcing her to watch late night international Test cricket on cable television, he always looked absolutely terrified between balls. He would block one, walk over towards square leg with an expression that was pure "I want my Mummy". After pausing long enough to regain a tiny bit of courage, he would slowly, very slowly, walk back to the stumps, shiver as he tapped his bat for what seems like an age, before lifting his face towards the bowler rushing towards him, squint and drop his head in fear, shake a little more before finally fishing outside off stump to the groans of the keeper and slips. He may well have been full of self belief but he sure never looked like it.
Worryingly for Australia, Cook didn't seem scared at all in this Test. Mind you, 302 runs for once out should do one or two positive things for your confidence. Ian Chappell also pointed out that he seems to have stopped trying to crash 4s through the covers off the front foot and getting himself caught behind. He now seems content to ease it into the gap for 2. We might see a bit more of Cook in the next few Tests. I hope not, but we might.
In retrospect, the wonderful Hussey / Haddin partnership and Siddle's hat trick probably papered over the cracks a little. Take those two feats out and we may have struggled not to lose. Adding a little bit of wallpaper onto the paper was Ponting's excellent batting in the second innings. If he can play like that for 6 hours or so in the next Test, he might just win it for us by himself (which he may in fact have to do).
Everyone has turned against us. Jamie Pandaram thinks we are choking. My hero, Peter Roebuck, has already called the series for England. Times must be tough because I get the impression that Peter doesn't always have the best relationship with the country of his birth.
Even the bowling machines have turned against us with one bowling Ricky a completely unexpected bouncer and almost killing him. At least former Michael Clarke co-conversationalist Lara Bingle was supporting us, in her own unique and very, very modern way.
Understanding that if he didn't laugh he would cry, Ricky Ponting probably went a little overboard in the manic cackle department in the middle of the 5th day
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Most long term sports followers understand that it is very important at times like these to blame someone. Luckily, we don't have to search long for the reason for this well below par display: Mitchell Johnson.
As a bearded fisherman said to me the other day, Mitch needs to feel the cut of the selector's axe and show us that he has what it takes to bounce back. In other words, he needs to grow a pair and show us that he really wants it. We have put up with streams of tripe for the occasional flash of all too short brilliance for far too long and I for one am sick of it. A Ponting man crush can't save him this time. Let this be the beginning of the "Ditch Mitch" campaign.
Opinion of The Ditchable One is varied but all focused on a common theme: he is bloody awful.
Mike Atherton sees no real issue with Mitch's form, aside from three minor things: "he can't bat, bowl or field”.
"at the moment, Johnson is Australia's greatest problem", writes the ever eloquent Atherton. No argument here Athers nor will there ever be. The fact is, once you begin an article with "I am an alcoholic. At least I had to sign a form saying I was. Twice, actually", as Athers did in 2009, you are pretty much guaranteed my attention at all times.
Former Australian swing bowler Damien Fleming goes a step further in simply saying that Mitch should be dropped to work on his action.
"Mitch has some technical issues and it can't be changed from Test to Test. I think he needs a good couple of months of remedial work and making sure he gets into a position to release the ball with a stable seam. Where he is now, I think that's miles away", says the man that would have taken two Test hat tricks where it not for Shane Warne deliberately sabotaging the second one.
Semi professional cricket analyst and swing bowler himself, Bryce Thompson, would remind everyone that he has been saying exactly the same thing for 4 years. Why does it take a former Test player to say it for everyone to listen?
Jesse Hogan in today's Sydney Morning Herald has three simple words to describe The Ditchable one: slow and wicketless. Difficult to argue with really.
Phil Lutton, also in the Sydney Morning Herald, saw all this coming a few days ago and summarised his thoughts with the think piece entitled "Johnson all talk, no substance". My former indoor cricket captain Colin would have called a similar same issue "All duck or no dinner". Well, actually that probably means something slightly different but I wanted to work that in somewhere, somehow as I always liked it.
"England fans and media – and most likely the players – don’t think he can bowl", screeches Phil. English fans, media and players appear to be right.
Some random bloke with a blog got into the act (suspend your scepticism about random blokes with blogs for a second) with a withering attack on the body art of the Ditchable.
"Johnson has hitch hiked the bogan bandwagon all the way to tattooville by covering himself in more ink than the Sydney Morning Herald". A pretty neat turn of phrase really.
The Daily Mail gets right to the heart of Ditchable's talk not living up to his actions.
Anyone wishing to understand the gulf between modern players and those of yesteryear should click on that link and have a look at the picture. No wonder Andrew Symonds turned to drink. The Don would be rolling over in his grave and you just know Ian Chappell is organising a posse as we speak.
Whilst all of these are great, they are probably all striving a little bit hard to bash Mitch the most. Therefore, I thought it best if the Johnson character assassination was completed by someone who isn't perhaps as prone to hyperbole as myself or any of the other merchants of hate that I have referred to above: my Father.
I was pretty impressed with Dad's work when he outlined the reason why Mitch originally began his ever escalating decline: too many tattoos. Paraphrasing isn't going to do it justice so it is best repeated verbatim.
"My theory on why Johnson is, generally, performing very poorly is based on an accepted, and therefore proven, medical fact. He has too many tattoos. Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for a relatively small tattoo, or maybe two, for obvious reasons [STANFORD'S LAP: HE HAS TATTOOS HIMSELF]. However, Johnson has far too many.
Ordinarily, it wouldn't matter to me but, in the case in question they are, simply, too heavy for him to carry around with the result that his bowling arm is not moving quickly enough, nor is his arm "pliable" enough to effect those subtle changes needed to be put on the ball at the time of release, his batting stance and his backlift together with the downwards movement he puts on the bat are all badly off balance because he has more tattoos on one side of his body compared to the other, and his fielding resembles that of an very elderly person due to the weight of his tattoos slowing him down considerably and detrimentally affecting his agility and dexterity."
Pretty convincing stuff. However, nothing prepared me for the depth of out of the box thinking that went into uncovering the final straw that broke the Johnson camel's back: the moustache. I leave you for today with my Father's three part facial hair based theory on Johnson's woeful performance this Test. Again, it is produced un-edited.
"Okay! Okay! I said that my Moustache theory on Mitchell Johnson was for another day but, although not yet that other day, I think I should share it with you now. The moustache contributes to Johnson's bad form because of three things.
The first one is the Reverse-Samson Syndrome. You would be familiar with the biblical character, Samson, whose enormous strength was contributed to his long hair and that strength was purported to desert him when the baddies cut his hair. I have no doubt that Johnson suffers from Reverse-Samson Syndrome when the extra hair he has, in the form of the moustache, saps his strength. I'm sure those health professionals amongst us would not deny that Reverse-Samson Syndrome can be acutely severe.
The second one goes to the fact that Johnson's moustache puts a hell of a lot of extra weight onto his top lip. The result is that, during his run-up and at the time he releases the ball, he can't keep his top lip (and, therefore his head, including his eyes) at the same level as he used to be able to. Obviously, he then focuses well short of a good length which is precisely where he pitches the ball. Far too many short deliveries.
The third one gets down to a lack of concentration. A moustache harbours tastes and smells for a very long time. Johnson's concentration suffers greatly when he's out in the middle due to the fact that, from his moustache he tastes or smells things that distract him completely. You see him. He looks to the crowd, or up in the air, or anywhere he shouldn't be looking. He's looking to try to find where that taste or smell is coming from. He's saying things to himself like, "Is that last nights curry I can smell/taste" - or something along those lines. His concentration level is shot completely.
I do have a lot of other things I should be doing instead of sharing my theories with you. However, sometimes it's good therapy for oneself and for those whom you inform, to share such knowledge."
Heaven only knows where he gets it from. It's not from me, must be from his mother's side. Wherever it's from, it sure is good !
Mitchell Johnson wasn't sure why, but he had been convinced that he could either taste or smell curry for most of the last 3 days
Onto Adelaide next. I see we have included Ryan Harris and Doug the Rug in the squad which can only be good news for "Ditch Mitch" campaigners everywhere. Doug has just taken 3/32 off 20 overs in the Shield game. He is cranky and ready to Ditch Mitch.
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