I have to say that I am now strongly suspecting that Dave is actually an investigative journalist after his latest post. He seems to have done as much, or possibly slightly more, research than the crack team over at News of the World. Obviously I am also awaiting the reply from Farmer Liz but am slightly concerned about the arrangements. Liz, time share is available and the fact that we are both in almost completely opposite time-zones might make things a little easier to sort out over a 24 basis. Please note, some travel may be required and we probably both need to be at home when our wives are out to look after our respective children so we will need a little advance notice to help us re-jig our calendars. That said, I am sure it is all workable.
Well, the 3rd Test starts tomorrow so it's all eyes on Perth. With myself on holidays, one child at day care and the other too young to object, it might be my first all day Test match session for quite a while. I just hope I get to see lucky number 62, the Beer Man. Let's see.
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While we all get ready to have another sleepless night, there are a couple of things that I thought it might make sense to review. The first is of course Nathan Hauritz's garage sale which just happened to include some of his Australia cricket uniforms, jumpers and other Test match related bric-a-brac.
First the Telegraph in England reports it and the world, myself included, is in uproar. I mean, I have given the odd slightly too honest exit interview from work but this would be like me coming back from the pub on my last day, going into a server room, dropping my dacks, weeing all over the Production servers, leaving a little bit spare, coming back into the office space and offloading the rest of the no doubt somewhat beery number 1 all over my colleagues bags (and a big hello to the nameless gentleman I used to work with who actually did this. Who said dignity was dead? My bag missed the spray if you were wondering). So you can understand my concern.
However, I was almost reassured by former Indian coach, Greg Chappell, when he said that it was all a
''a very innocent action and it was made to look like something sinister'', as the Australian Test uniform items he discarded had been obsolete.
Oh were they indeed? Probably fine then. Greg then really relaxed me with
''What he was doing was cleaning out some stuff that had been hanging around at his place for some time. The Test gear that he got rid of was three years old, not stuff that he can use, and he was raising money for a cricket charity related to Papua New Guinea"
Look, for a start the only people that play cricket in PNG are Australian religious missionaries and if they take your wicket, the rules are you have to convert so from what I understand there are neither many takers for the games, nor particularly large crowds. Secondly, Nathan was actually selling, at a garage sale in front of his house, Australian Test cricket gear (and not for much it appears) and this was confirmed by an Australian selector. Not fake stuff, not slightly iffy gear he bought from Channel 9 in a frame 13 years ago but real, honest to goodness Australian Test cricket stuff. Now, the fact it is 3 years old is a teeny bit irrelevant in my book. The relevant bit is that this was all done a day or two after lucky number 62, Michael Beer, was selected to replace the man that replaced Hauritz. Am I the only one that can see a connection?
Our selectors have driven another spinner to despair and this time it was a bloke who gathered himself a relatively respectable set of stats. Well done boys, lets move onto the quick blokes next and by this time next year, we will be picking 11 batsmen and opening the bowling with Michael Hussey's dibbly dobblers.
Speaking of selectors, and Greg Chappell in particular, we were all treated to a wonderful insight into the future with the former Indian coach this week when he informed us, with a straight face, that the man with the pussycat tattoo, Mitchell Johnson, was left out of the second Test not because he took something like 0/168 in the first Test, not because he has bowled fairly poorly for quite a while but because, he was always going to be rested because he was on rotation. Were Mitch and Australian cricket on a break or something? Which one is Ross and which one is Rachel ?
Said Sourav Ganguly's best mate,
"We didn't plan for Mitch to struggle in Brisbane, but certainly we had made plans beforehand to leave him out of the second Test because we felt the conditions would have suited Peter Siddle, Ryan Harris and Doug Bollinger"
This is such an enormous insult to my intelligence that I am not going to spend the next 3000 words breaking down, in detail, why exactly this is just completely ridiculous. I mean honestly, who does Greg think we are ? What world does Greg live in ? First he picks The Bowler, then shoves Lucky Number 62 into the spotlight and now he coughs up this piece of green, wretched phlegm. Greg, we are not all little Trevor, we won't all be bullied into compromising our faculties. If this is the sort of insulting bits of bone we are going to get tossed from time to time, then we may as well give up now.
Greg, for the record: bullshit; and you know it
Always remember, when your employee was forced to write a long, long, long letter to his former employers explaining why it was all actually someone else's fault then it was actually all your employee's fault and was lying or it was someone else's fault that time but he did all sorts of other gear that he never got caught for. Either way, you hope you catch this little bit of previous work history in his notice period, if not in the interview. Did we not check references?
The most recent addition to the selection panel, former Indian coach Greg Chappell, shows off his latest idea to improve our spin bowling outcomes
Interestingly, Greg has been at it again letting bits and pieces man Steven Smith know that his role is actually going to that of the team joker in the 3rd Test.
Said class clown Smith,
"For me, it's about having energy in the field and making sure I'm having fun and making sure everyone else around is having fun, whether it be telling a joke or something like that. It's to make sure we're all upbeat and we're ready to go"
I have got one he can use:
Smith: Knock, Knock
Team: Who's there?
Smith: Test debutant with 16 wickets
Team: 'Test debutant with 16 wickets' who?
Smith should be able to ad lib it from there.
I am getting a very bad feeling about this series.
Even in his very first Test match, former Australian ace spin bowler, now specialist batsman, Steven Smith, was showing the selectors everything they needed to see in order to seal his Ashes berth
Final point: Can we really play any worse ? Probably not so we might see a slightly closer match for the next 5 days. Knock, bloody, knock hey. Knock, bloody knock.
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