On girlymen and car park dust ups

Well, that was as great a shallacking as I have witnessed for many, many years. England completely and utterly outplayed us in every department. That said, we were absolutely woeful which really makes all of the tough sounding positivities that our team and support staff keep repeating before the series look all the more silly. Still, you can only play as well as you are allowed and England gave us nothing.

Aside from the mental scars, this Test has not been without cost for either side. Simon Katich, our most un-soft lad metro boy, is out for the series with an achilles injury. This is bad news on many fronts. One, he has been our most successful batsman over the past couple of years and, two, he is the only guy guaranteed his place in the rest of the series, before the injury, who has any serious captaincy experience. More on this later. Besides this, without him, I lose a constant source of material about mad blokes who thump their metro team mates in the change room. Stanford's Lap salutes you Simon. Let's hope this isn't the end of your career because, as many people know, achilles problems are notoriously difficult to recover from.

Before we move on, can I just quickly contrast Katich with the most metro of them all, Michael Clarke. Katich destroys his achilles but still fields in close and opens the batting, all whilst in lots of pain and being unable to run. Clarke smashes one onto his pad, fails to walk, gets given out, looks ridiculous, wonders off and and rather than going straight to the nets or into a dark room for some good old fashioned self harm, he jumps on bloody twitter and, worried about his image and advertising deals, tweets (if that is a word) that he is sorry about not walking. Unbelievable. Shouldn't the vice-captain have been worried about what to say to the boys to try and pep them up for a miracle the next day? Shouldn't he have been apologising to his team mates for such a come-apart to a part timer? Shouldn't he at the very least have been sinking beers and getting morose? Looking for a stink with a retired 55 year old former England player? Something ?

This kid is not leadership material. To use a well worn, but still oh very effective phrase, "Tell your f*cking story walking pal". Literally this time in fact. We are doomed if our up and comers are all girlymen like this. My hero, Peter Roebuck, thinks that they might well be. And yes, I love Peter OK. Get over it.

England also have a star out with Stuart Broad falling foul of a stomach injury. England will miss him as he can contribute handy runs down the order and his bowling is much improved. He might have fancied himself on the Perth pitch as well. Again, from a personal point of view, it unfortunately removes an excuse for me to keep bringing up how I am still cranky with his Dad for piling on the runs in 86/87. Hey, I might just try and work it in anyhow. England, avoid the temptation of picking Tim Bresnan. What's that bloke here for? You guys have lots of better bowlers than him.

I am not being alarmist or overly negative when I say that I just don't see how we win one from here; not how we win the series but how we win a game. Momentum is a difficult thing to shift and it is well and truly against us at the moment. Come to think of it, so is general skill level unfortunately. Still, aside from wallow in self pity and get our outsourced Pakistani effigy building company working on a life sized Ricky doll, there are some things we can at least try. Lets run through them.

Captaincy

Ricky has to go, simple as that. Well, as captain anyway. I defy anyone to have watched the last 2 Tests, or the Indian ones in fact, and tell me that there is not a leadership issue with this group. I won't bore all with my assessment of his long term performance, he is just not all that good and actually seems to have gotten slightly worse. Gone.

Now, who to replace him? Katich is the obvious choice. He is an excellent leader and highly successful captain of two State sides. His achilles puts pay to that idea though. North? Another well respected captain. Ummm, might have a problem about him being in the team though.

Clarke? Girlyman. Story. Walking. Tell it. No

I actually don't know. No one else has any experience whatsoever? Cameron White to come in as skipper and number 6? Now I am stretching it. Perhaps Ricky gets it again due to lack of options. Still, you can tell we are in a total tail spin when people are seriously suggesting recalling Warne at the ripe of old age of 41 come out of retirement to be captain. Gee wizz, we have truly become England at their worst. Let's hope this is our worst.

Batsmen

I previously said North would be gone before the 5th Test and then I said the 4th Test. I need to adjust that again because he will never play Test cricket again. He is one of the most unreliable batsmen ever to have a baggy green shoved onto their head. "All Duck or No Dinner", as Colin my former indoor captain would say. Mark my words, if he holds his spot on the basis of his off spin (i.e. if he is in the side for Perth and no spinner is) then we have got miles left to fall. This will show total gutlessness from the selectors. Usman Khawaja must come in. Could he do any worse ? No and he is a good investment for the future. Got another 50 in State cricket today as well

I hate the idea of the Twist and Shout merchant, Philip Hughes getting another game but he will replace Katich, probably like the captaincy, due to lack of options. Please let him stop backing away to leg every ball. It is most unseamly for a Test cricketer.

Aside from that, the line up will stay the same. There are really our best. Should Ponting move down the order? Probably. Will he ? No chance. Let's forget about it.

Keepers

Luckily Haddin is batting brilliantly and keeping well, at times, because our number two keeper Tim Paine has a broken finger and our number three keeper (played a Test last year) Graham Manou broke a toe yesterday. Anyway, Brad keeps it; probably justified.

Bowlers

Well, yes we have a problem here. After going on and on about how he was fit for Brisbane, Bollinger gets a game in Adelaide and shows that he was completely lying all along. He was wayward, well down on pace and, as some of Dave's workmates mentioned "carrying a bit of extra timber". So he's gone.

Johnson was only dropped a Test ago and hasn't played a game since. Surely we can't bring him back.

Harris looked reasonable so he stays. Hilfenhaus had, I think, a hamstring niggle after Brisbane so he will come back for Perth. We need another quick. Mark Cameron? Getting on now at 29 and has only managed 15 first class games due to injury but in a bit of form at the moment. Trent Copeland? A stunning start to his first class career and is only 24 but very inexperienced. Maybe a good future investment. Peter George from South Australia? No way. Played one Test against India earlier this year but looked very average.

Look, I don't know. They will probably do something completely idiotic and go back to Johnson. Madness but Ricky loves him. Let's forget that and keep Siddle in. At least he has some mongrel about him.

As for spinners, well ... now there's a story. The Bowler looked about as out of your depth as is physically possible so he is gone. It is lucky that he cashed in on his Test appearances while he could. Warne's well known Spin Doctor and reformed cheque forger, Terry Jenner thinks Hauritz is still the best option and frankly, so do I. Ricky doesn't like him and the selectors won't admit a mistake, even though Hauritz has recovered a bit of bowling form in the past 2 State matches and even scored his maiden first class hundred today. He won't play.

Again, the cupboard is a bit bare here but they will either drive me crazy and keep North in for his part time spin and play 4 quicks or pick Steve Smith, who is pretty short of Test level as a bowler. If they pick Smith, let's just leave him there for 15 Tests and see if we can make a Test cricketer. We have nothing to lose and loads to gain.

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What will England do ? Nothing except replace Broad and keep concentrating. They are going to difficult to beat

... and on the fifth day, the boy that looked sad began to cry

Final point: I need to pay my respects to Sir Ian Botham and Ian Chappell for managing to keep a feud alive for 33 years and get into a car park dust up at the ages of 55 and 67 at the end of the 4th day's play. Wonderful work boys, our current crop of girlymen could learn much from you. Actually, how is Chappell's schedule looking for the next few weeks? His whites would still fit wouldn't they ? Wouldn't they ?