To Lee, or not to Lee

To be, or not to be, that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them

- William Shakespeare, circa Quite a While Ago

The most pressing question in the lead up to the first Test is that of Australia's bowling line up. We have six people competing for four spots. Especially intriguing is that a group of young upstarts have been holding the fort rather well whilst the elders have been away licking, and operating on, their wounds. Now it seems like the elders may not force their way back in and we are locked in a good old fashioned bowl off. I bet they don't bother with them before a 20 20 series !

For me, it all comes down to one simple question: To Lee, or not to Lee. That most certainly is the question. Let's meet the candidates

Mitchell Johnson

Age: 27

Poser Status: High. Has a tongue stud and spiked hair. Thommo would have beaten him up in the 70s
Background: The Fonz famously couldn't say the word "Wrong". Instead, he would pronounced it "Wrrrrrrrrrrrr" and fail to complete the word. At the risk of copying Ron Howard's best work, about Mitchell I may have been "Wrrrrrrrrrrrr". He was always one of these guys that seemed to be picked for no reason at all. He specialised in bowling full tosses two feet outside off stump at 3rd change; the classic "rest the guys I have confidence in" position. Not sure how it happened, but all that seems to have changed. He now bowls about 150km/h and barely dips in speed at all during a Test; a very rare ability. During Feb and March of this year, he absolutely shone in South Africa, bowling some of the most hostile spells seen from an Australian player in decades. He has now broken Graeme Smith's hand twice and during the spell in which the second break occurred, he bashed up all of South Africa's top 6 including hitting Kallis on the chin, which required stitches. To top this off, in the same series he scored 96no, including a new Australian record of 26 in an over, and then absolutely slammed 123 in another Test. Of course, we are now desperate to have him as an all rounder. In the same series, he even managed to swing the ball ! This remains his weakness; gun barrel straight on soft English pitches sometimes leads to Brett Lee like figures

Also notable is his ability to obtain a karate champion girlfriend who is somewhat attractive

Longevity: Future of Australian cricket tomorrow, here today

Decision: First picked for every Test

Mitchell Johnson demonstrates several of the many reasons why Thommo would have king hit him 35 years ago

Peter Siddle

Peter Siddle practices the fast bowler's Doosra

Age: 24

Poser Status: Medium. Looks like a bricklayer but has a Soul Patch under his bottom lip. Thommo would initially have refused to speak to him in the 70s but quickly grown to like him.

Background: I love a bloke that has played 21 first class matches, 7 of them Tests and quite a few of them Australian tour games. He bowls fast, always in the 140km/h - 150km/h range, and seams the ball around nicely. He is your classic workhorse (never gives up, always wants the ball, never lets the skipper down) which means we will bowl him to injury within a few years. Had the best debut a bowler could ever want, hitting Gautam Gambhir in the head with his very first ball in Test cricket. Has improved every match he has played for Australia and will be a factor in this series. Appears to have more teeth than normal which makes him seem especially fierce. Expect him to spit on batsmen's shoes, ala the great Merv Hughes

Longevity: Future of Australian cricket tomorrow, here today

Decision: A shoe-in for the first test, highly likely to shine throughout the series

Ben Hilfenhaus

Age: 26

Poser Status: Low but slowly increasing with each piece of cricket related fame. Thommo would have instantly warmed to him in the 70s but would be alarmed at reports of the onset of poserdom. Thommo would have confronted him about it and made him see sense through fear

Background: Was the bowler of State cricket for a few years a few years ago and still very good now. Swings it both ways at around 145km/h and could genuinely be the new Terry Alderman if given the opportunity. Bowls a heavy ball with a strong shoulder and has a really well hidden bouncer. Can go for a few by pitching it up but gets wickets the same way. Think Hoggard but quicker with an inswinger

Longevity: Future of Australian cricket tomorrow, here today

Decision: I would pick him just so I could call him The New Terry Alderman (TNTA) all series. I worry we will go back to the future instead

Ben Hilfenhaus pays tribute to the late Michael Jackson

Nathan Hauritz

Age: 27
Poser Status: Not really enough of a presence even to be rated here. Thommo would have ignored him in the 70s and when Nathan's book came out mentioning Thommo's rudeness, the great man would have been genuinely shocked that he ever shared a dressing room with anyone named Nathan and certainly wouldn't remember ignoring him; or in fact even seeing him
Background: Nathan poses the most basic of selection questions: Why would you pick a bowler to play for their country when they average 46.53 per wicket in first class fixtures ? It is like picking a batsman averaging 15 with the bat: pure, and completely unadulterated, madness. Anyway, we tried all the others so Nathan is our man of the month or "Last Spinner Standing". Everyone knows a story like that of Nathan: young man picked far too early, promoted to his level of incompetency as my Father-in-Law would say. Flew too close to the sun and descended very rapidly. In the case of Nathan this was from a Test appearance all the way to Brisbane first grade in a few short months. By his own admission, batsmen went after him and he just couldn't cope so he bowled darts. After a few years in the wilderness, he moved from Queensland to NSW without the promise of a contract, where Greg Matthews took him under his wing. Yes, I know the risks of getting Greg involved at any stage of a player's development but it seemed to go OK and Nathan was playing the odd State game every now and then whilst slowly working his was back to obscurity again. Amazingly, after we discarded Warne replacement 24 or whatever it was then, he was picked again late last year, pretty much out of club cricket, and is now our number one spinner. Expectations are so low for Nathan that if one morning he manages to get out of bed and make himself a cup of tea, his tour will be seen as a major success. If you see Nathan bowling more than 10 overs in an innings in any Test, we are either so far ahead we don't care or so desperate we will try anything. Nathan is a black and white sort of player and doesn't really encourage much grey
Longevity: Sort of like the girl you went out with to keep in practise and prove to the other ladies that there was something to you that they had failed to spot, whilst all the while waiting until someone better came along
Decision: Picked only if we have 10 players left fit on tour and swine flu has cancelled all incoming flights to Britain

Nathan Hauritz practises his grimace and head scratch in preparation for a Test appearance

Stuart Clark

Age: 33
Poser Status: Low and steady. Thommo would have gone out finishing with Stuart (whom would have been known as "Clarky" back then) on a regular basis during the 70s. The elbow injury he has just recovered from would have been brought on by lifting beer to mouth, not over practising
Background: Nice tall, upright action with a sense of control that lead him to be tagged "The New McGrath". If he has regained full fitness, should be a real asset in England. Gets some swing every now and then and nips it both ways off the seam. His only drawback is that he seems too nice for big time cricket. But, plenty of quite ones have turned out to be serial killers so we shouldn't worry too much about this minor flaw. Still averages 22 with the ball after 22 Tests and is yet to have many average games in a row. Dependable and not too flashy. Importantly, has never recorded a Bollywood song and has no tongue jewelry of any sort. Little known fact: is the brother of an HR lady my wife used to work with. From all accounts, she was nice as well
Longevity: A few good years left in him yet
Decision: Squeaks into my team, if only to bring a mature outlook to a young pace attack

Stuart Clark: The type of bloke you would happily leave your kids with

Brett Lee

Age: 32
Poser Status: The leader of the Pack. In the 70s, Thommo would have been so shocked at the Bollywood song fiasco that he and Lillee would have hired a couple of Dougie Walter's mates from Epping Pub to club him to death and throw him in the harbour.
Background: I think I have Lee-Fatigue. I am sick of seeing him in his undies on the side of a bus or singing love songs with a 70 year old lady. On the playing front, after a good 18 months or so post McGrath, he is now back to average again, bowling around 145km/h and going for runs. He positively leaks runs in England so represents a huge risk this time around, especially as his preparation has been going for around 13 an over in a few 20 20 matches and re-streaking his hair. At least his no balling is coming along a treat
Longevity: A massive backwards step
Decision: To Lee, or not to Lee ? I would make him carry the drinks in all 5 Tests to help him learn his place but I bet they pick him ... and I bet he goes for a bundle. Final Note: When Jason Gillespie worries that an Ashes series is going to finish your career, you really should listen. Get out now Brett !

Brett Lee, pictured at home in front of a tasteful self portrait

My Australian bowling attack for the first test

1. Johnson

2. Siddle

3. Hilfenhaus

4. Clark

Its on ... again

Well, four years after what I still believe is the best Test series of all time, we are very close to it all beginning again.

In preparation, I re-read my final match report on the previous blog. It really brought it all back to me. It got me thinking about changes to our lives, the teams and to cricket itself

Four years ago, I seemed to have the time to write 20,000 word essays every other night ! I can't really remember how I got it all done but think most of it was done on the train to and from work. Four years on and I am a father with another on the way. My son James owns a Lion and cricket bat from Lord, courtesy of Dave, and knows that the answer to "Who was a batsman ?" is of course "Don Bradman", something he took great pains to tell Dave on the phone this morning. We also regularly watch cricket on Youtube and James is particularly taken with Kevin Pieterson and his innovative shot making, as you can see from his one handed sweep in the kitchen. In between explaining the benefit of a straight bat and sound defence, I will be posting articles but fear I won't be able to replicate the volume. Let's see !

In terms of the team, well quite a bit has changed. I have so many memories of the 2005 series. For me, this series was Warne and Flintoff with support staff. Sure, there were so memorable performances outside of these two, notably Pieterson, but Shane and Andrew were the stars.

Warne single-handedly kept us in the series with mesmerising bowling, runs at crucial times and captaining the team on many occasions; I remain convinced it was 3-1 or 4-1 without him. This series made me realise what a wonderful, once in a lifetime player he was. I understood why so many forgave all his idiocy for so long and I too found myself saying "Yes, but what a player" whenever his latest Text message based mess appeared on the front pages of the newspaper

Whereas Warne kept Australia in it, Flintoff won it for England. He was the difference in all the important moments. I maintain that he was the best bowler in the world in this series, as I still believe England were the best team in the world for that short period, and on top of that he made runs and took vital catches. I will never forget him luring Hayden further and further to the off which three late away swingers in a row to the left hander only to knock over his leg stump with one that moved into the Big Flat Track Bully (BFTB); genius

The 2005 series also had some sad moments: Who can forget watching Ponting struggle to captain the side with three or four senior players around him at all times "helping" him make the decisions ? Who can forget the destruction of Gillespie ? The poor bloke simply stopped being an international cricketer all of a sudden and it was embarrassing and painful to watch. What about Katich tapping the ball ? Tapping, tapping, forever tapping, never having the confidence to play a forceful shot. He looked out of place and ridiculous and his career was over at that point

Fast forward to 2009 and things are quite different. Both teams have done some very silly things in the interim. Let's pick out a key stupid act for each: England's is the captaincy.

For some reason, the English selectors believe in Ayn Rand's concept of the super human that brings the rest of civilisation along with him. I call it the SuperMan complex. Thus it was with Botham's appointment as captain and thus it was again with the twin disasters of Flintoff and Pieterson. Why do the English selectors continue to believe that the best player in the team is

a) going to remain the best player when given the responsibility of captaincy; and

b) is any sort of a captain ?

Flintoff was awful on the last tour to Australia. Unfit, under performing and clearly with a fractured dressing room, he lead / escorted the team to a 5-0 humiliation. What to do after that ? Of all the options, I thought giving the added pressure of the captaincy to the guy who had the biggest ego in cricket and was also the most exciting batsman in the world, was probably the craziest. "It will all end in tears" read my text message to Dave and so it did. A crazy end to a crazy business saw Pieterson bring himself and coach Peter Moores down in a ball of flames that was as quick as it was sad

Australia didn't fare much better. We are now no longer the best team in the world. I think we are probably equal with India and South Africa with each team being able to beat the others on a given day. Out of all the interesting bits and pieces that got us to that point, our search for a replacement for Warne was bar far the worst.

We were in a great position, with world beating Stuart McGill waiting in the wings but when his 2 pie an over diet started looking more like 5 or 6 we really fell to bits. Beau Casson, with a first class average of over 40 was tried and discarded after one test and Beau currently can't get a state game. Brad Hogg was shocked to find you were allowed to bowl more than 1o overs a game and quickly retired after a short go. We sent Cameron White to India as our specialist spinner, much to Cameron's surprise as he doesn't really bowl himself in State cricket and considers himself a batsman. Then we gave Jason Krejza a go, whereupon he took about 14 wickets against the best players of spin in their own conditions and then got one wicket in his second test against guys that don't like spin much and so we sent him packing back to State cricket.

Next, we sent an injured Bryce McGain (who I actually think is an excellent bowler) out to face the South Africans and cringed as he was smeared all over Cape Town to the tune of 0/149 from 18 overs. Finally, after Nathan Hauritz moved to NSW to get a game and struggled to do so, we pulled him out of grade cricket and made him our Test spinner. After our recent history, how can that decision go wrong ?

Cricket itself has moved on also. 20 20 has seem the introduction of the oddest group of characters since the Addam's family made it's television debut. India now rules the roost, David Warner is an international cricketer (which I refuse to ever acknowledge) and we all got to know a man named Allen; Allen Stanford that is.

I made my feelings know on Sir Allen elsewhere but let's at least celebrate the fact that he gave us the name of the Blog: Stanford's Lap. Thanks Allen, without you the blog may have been called "Ashes 2009". By the way, is Giles Clarke still head of the ECB ? If Iranians can march in the streets under threat of death then people of England, get your marching boots on for Giles must go. Getting into bed with Allen is totally unforgiveable. I am happy to organise a good old fashioned lynching if it helps.

Sir Allen explains the finer points of Cricket to Mrs Matt Prior

I think 20 20 is the death of cricket and has opened the doors of hell from which dodgy con men like Allen spewed forth, bringing with them corruption and general befouling, the likes of which cricket has never seen. It will take a long time to recover from this and there will be great angst in between. 20 20 will be overplayed and underwhelming. Players will learn to play it and it will become formulaic. The public will get sick of it and Test cricket will have been underinvested in so won't be as strong to fall back on. Cricket is at risk people, it is at risk. Support Test cricket before it is too late

So, with that as an introduction, let's all get excited about the upcoming series. Let's follow our team hard but let's be fair and applaud when the other group plays well. We need to remember that no matter what happens this year, we are ultimately all sitting in someone's lap. Hopefully, not all the laps are facing 250 years jail time though.