Dossiers and throwbacks: The final week of the 2009 Ashes

So much has happened in the last week that it has difficult to fit it all in. Let's start with a little bit of 4th Test discussion.

I tipped the match to end in under four days but we were all done in a little over two. Another terrible match for Bopara who much surely go before the 5th Test, a mediocre return from The Man that Never Will, Steve Harmison and some more wonderful batting from Ponting and North. 1-1 with all to play for at The Oval and my original call of a 2-1 victory to Australia still a distinct possibility.

I don't think we need to pick at the carcass of this match too much. However, we do need to discuss the reasons for England still being susceptible to a complete and utter collapse. Why is it that a group a good players can swing so wildly between dominating the 2nd and 3rd Tests to playing like a bunch of frightened school children in the 4th ? Don't tell me it is because Stuart Clark suddenly appeared at one end, bowling 127km/h line and length, it has to be more than that. I actually don't have a very good answer at all and would welcome all comments. Something in the England system creates good players that also have the potential for occasional moments of mass panic and destruction (See also Adelaide 2006 and Sabina Park, Feb 2009).

Beware Australian fans, England will bounce back. Expect much stiffer opposition at The Oval. This really makes the occasional English falling apart such as here at Headingly all the more confusing. They are sort of like lightening strikes in their surprise and ferocity. We just need to remember that people hardly ever get hit by lightening twice.

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Justin Langer is a man with an opinion or two on English cricket. He is also a man with access to email. Put these two together and you have .... "The Langer Dossier".

When you read the various media reports, The Langer Dossier is "explosive", it "rips England apart", it is "scathing", "leaked", "secret" and, probably out of surprise at Langer being able to string more than two sentences together, "lengthy". Gee wizz, I thought, I can't wait to read this. I had a quick search and found the entire document reproduced in full at the Torygraph site. Unfortunately, it doesn't quite live up to its hype and is altogether balanced and respectful. Let's contrast the hype with the fact.

Hype: Anderson is described as "a bit of a pussy"

Fact: "Anderson is hugely improved and has gained a yard and is bowling well. He is swinging the ball well". Sounds like a bit of a wrap to me. Langer does then go onto to say that Anderson doesn't have great confidence in himself but is altogether more balanced than the hype.

Hype: Andrew Strauss could be too "conservative"

Fact: Well after KP and Freddie as skipper, I think England need a bit of conservatism. Langer also preempted this comment with "Andrew Strauss is a very solid character and excellent bloke" and followed his conservative comment with "He is batting well". All in all, very complimentary about Andrew.

Hype: Test newcomer Ravi Bopara had an annoying strut which should be ignored

Fact: Langer does say this but more in the context of telling the Australian players not to get caught up in sledging for the sake of it: "I would leave him alone and just bowl at him rather than letting our egos take away our focus". Langer also says, which has not been reported at all, "Ravi Bopara is a good player" and "he is a respectful young guy". Langer seems to be saying "watch out" more than anything here.

Hype: Wicketkeeper Matt Prior had a "massive ego"

Fact: He does say this but also mentions "He can be dangerous because he is a talented stroke player"

Unfortunately, I found it all a bit disappointing. I was hoping for real insights such as

"Flintoff wears ladies underwear when he bowls"; or

"Alastair Cook still wets the bed"; or even

"Collingwood actually comes from South London"

Alas no, and what Langer actually wrote was either blindingly obvious or very tame and respectful. I want dirt and anger !

Justin Langer's mind powers extend from secret dossiers to palm reading and spirit channeling

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If

"Langer" +

"Opinions" +

"Email" =

"Dossier"

then

"England" +

"collapse" +

"media" =

"panic and craziness"

England are quickly undoing all the good work they have put in over the past 5 or 6 years. They have been diligent in building a team, showing faith and not panicking. Now they seem to be going back to 1989 and talking about picking a cricket team like a football team and drafting in people for an all or nothing assault at The Oval. Well, that's what the papers tell me and if we learnt anything from the disappointment of the Langer Dossier, it was to not always believe the hype. Anyway, let's believe the hype and have a peak at four of the contenders to understand why they are not the answer.

Stuart Law: My favourite contender by a mile. Still miffed at only playing a single Test for Australia and not having a batting average courtesy of a 54 not out, Stuart qualifies through an English wife and living there since 2004. He had some interesting thoughts on the matter including

"I'm not even a year older than Ramprakash so if he is a chance I must be a chance as well"

and

"Graham Gooch and Alec Stewart retired when they were in their 40s so that just about puts me in my prime to play for England"

and

"They are talking about everyone else so I'm putting my hand up as well"

Something tells me he is having a little fun with it all. Let's hope he gets picked, it would make for some interesting sledging. I wonder what The Langer Dossier says about this potential English player ?

Marcus Trescothick: I feel sorry for Marcus. He had an awful technique but a very good record at all levels of the game. Then came his breakdown (his problems were always there by his own admission but they finally got on top of him) and he has very successfully played county cricket only since then. In the lead up to the 5th Test, there has been such speculation of his reemergence that he pressured himself into thinking about a comeback. He pressured himself so much in fact, that he had a terrible dream about it,

"In fact, that has been the case to such an extent that the other day I woke up at 6.30am from a terrible dream"

This was a turning point for Marcus

"I woke up in a cold sweat. Perhaps that told me something"

Arh, yes Marcus, perhaps it did. A sad story and a talent lost

Robert Key: My lasting memory of Rob Key is watching England in the SCG nets with Dave in early January 2003, right next to a huge screen which was re-telling the story of the famous Bodyline series. Rob seemed totally bamboozled by it all and must have spent 5 minutes standing in front of the giant TV screen whilst wearing a deep, deep frown. One of his teammates walked over to him and whispered a few soothing things in his ear, whereupon Rob shook his head once more and moved over to start practise with the rest of the team. I still maintain that he had no idea what bodyline actually was. Part of me still thinks he was wondering what the great big talky box was as well.

Rob never really succeeded at Test level and averages a tick over 30 in the top flight. He has transformed himself into a respected elder statesman in recent years, appears well liked by the current English team and has captained the English 2nd XI.

The phrase most associated with Mr Key is "Billy Bunter like" which gives you a good insight into his fitness regime. At least he is only 30 so represents a relatively long term prospect.

Mark Ramprakash: Ramps should have been the player of his generation. Instead, he was the flop of his generation. A wonderfully talented batsman, he never could break through at Test level and despite playing 52 Tests, only averages 27 at the highest level. The last few years, he has been a county run machine, churning out hundred after hundred and decimating all that bowl to him.

If England pick him for The Oval, then all England cricket fans should kiss goodbye to any progress in the last half decade and get ready for years of woeful failures. Picking Ramps would be all of the worst selection ideas come at once, all of the idiocy revisited that ruined many good English player and saw them drop to the very bottom of the Test playing rung. It would signal a return to the bad old selection policies and a plung into cricketing hell from which there are very few escapes. The worst three England cricket selecting mistakes and their application to Ramps are

1. Picking cricket teams like they are football teams, cycling people in and out, picking a crack "one off" team. Cricket is such a mental game, people need to feel comfortable, not always battling for their place. Ramps is never going to play for England again, why pick him for one last hurrah ?

2. Picking successful county players without considering whether they will be successful at Test level. Ramps has scored loads of county hundreds without the pressure of international cricket and against division 2 county bowlers. Does that really get him ready for the focus of an "all or nothing" comeback ?

3. Going for experience / the old bloke. Why go for a 40 year old when you could bring in someone at least a decade younger ? Physicality is the same in everyone, our reflexes and hand eye are less at 40 than they were at 25; tabloid leadcampaigns don't change that.

Over the past 7 years Ramps has built himself up into a legend of the county game, someone even Justin Langer aspires to be like. Why would he risk changing that and instead being always remembered as the bloke that came back and failed ? He should be remembered as a master batsman who could have been an international legend. Oh, and a sequined dancer of course !

Up close, Mark Ramprakash looks every single one of his 40 years

A strange evening ends well for Australia

The world moves in mysterious ways sometimes. Thus it proved in the lead up to, and in the first morning of, the 4th Ashes Test at Headingly.

At about the same time as Dave was taking his seat at Yorkshire's home ground and texting me news of team selections, an innocent drink in the office after work was taking a very different course. I watched the power of the Ashes change the course of an evening in the twinkling of an eye.

Conversation around the improvised bar table had turned to the upcoming 4th test. All knew that the game started in a matter of minutes and each passing moment only increased the excitement. Something had to give and finally it did.

A bat and ball was found and a fairly competitive game erupted in the corridor, much to the befuddlement of the conscientious who were working late. Different people took turns batting and bowling, with varying degrees of success. It was with some confidence that I strode to the wicket / space between the desks, late in the game with every intention of impressing all with my skill with the willow.

I took the bat, re-read the signatures of everyone who had ever worked in the team, got my hands comfortable around the handle and tapped it a few times for good measure. I was ready. This was going to be fun.

I looked up and stared down the other end of the pitch and saw a rampant Anil Kumble clone marking out a fresh run. I also noticed that the pitch was around 4 metres long, the lighting was poor and I was struggling to focus after gulping down 6 or 7 half warm Blue Tongues. To make matters worse, I was constantly being accosted by a close in fielder in the shape of an office plant. More to the point, the plant was actually rubbing against my face. The confidence leaked from me. Anil charged in. I was worried.

The first one flew past and probably uprooted off stump (if stumps were present at all which thankfully they weren't). I didn't see it. The second smashed into my imaginary leg stump and again I was around 2 seconds late on it. I complained about the lighting. The crowd roared. The plant fielding at silly point hit my nose. Anil moved his marker back another couple of paces.

I picked the third one up but missed it as it went harmlessly down the legside. I pretended I had left it. It didn't wash. I went to pull the 4th one but hit a desk instead; an opportunity missed. I mentioned the lighting again but didn't seem to convince anyone. I am sure the plant at silly point sledged me. Without Anil noticing, I moved backwards about 6 metres to give myself more time. It didn't matter. The next one actually swung away from me and missed the stumps, which was lucky considering I missed it as well. The last ball of the over yorked me and as the now swollen crowd jeered and mocked, I held my batting pose for about 10 seconds and considered what to do. In the face of such defeat, I decided that scurrying away like a cockroach with insect spray on it was undoubtedly the best course of action.

I announced that it wasn't fair that I take up all the batting time and offered to give someone else a go, ever the gentleman. I re-took my chair and listened to various pieces of analysis on my form, the consensus appearing to be that it was "awful". I was mystified. Could it be that contributing to a Blog about Test cricket didn't actually make you ready to play in one yourself ? Surely not, but the evidence was compelling.

I watched Anil bowl a few slow full tosses to the new batsman and decided it was best if I took my leave and went home to consider some technique tweaks that could be implemented to improve my post beer batting effectiveness. I already had one idea in mind.

A most unusual end to the week.

But it was about to get even stranger ...

Even in retirement Anil Kumble proved difficult to counter, especially under office lighting, 6 beers down and on a 4 metre pitch

I was sitting on the top deck of the train home, demolishing my post game McDonalds mountain when I heard some new passengers got on. "Strange" I thought, no one usually gets on this close to my stop.

I half listened to footsteps and the sounds of people taking their seats on the lower deck, my mind still on the riddle of Anil Kumble. Just as my thoughts were turning to the unfolding 4th Test, two very attractive 18 year old ladies walked up the steps to the top deck, sat down two seats in front of me and begun passionately, and very publicly, kissing.

Kissing

Ladies

Anil Kumble

Pete Siddle

Ladies

Kissing

As interested as I was in Dave's text message Test commentary, I am man enough to admit that I allowed myself to forget the cricket for a little while. My mind was almost completely devoid of all cricketing thought for the roughly 5 minutes that this gratuitous , and completely free, display took place. As quickly as it begun it finished, and the ladies quietly stood up and went back downstairs, where I presume they took their seats and resumed reading a Jane Austen novel.

I was about as surprised as Nathan Hauritz after he was told he would be in the Ashes touring party (as a player). Yes, that surprised.

At some point during my introspective, stunned silence, I noticed that we were arriving at my stop. I made my way to the door where I met the young ladies in question again; with their boyfriends. Ironically, one of the boyfriends (who appeared about 14 but probably, hopefully, wasn't) actually made a relatively crude comment to the effect that the girls should "get together". Both the ladies, and me frankly, smiled knowingly but subtly.

All 5 of us got off the train together, a curious little group. I hung back to give the kids a little bit of space. This proved a good move as both the boyfriends all of a sudden started whacking each other and it was all I could do to side step them as they wrestled each other to the ground and threw haymakers. As the boys fought, I noticed the girls had started holding hands and greatly increased their walking pace. As they were by themselves on a lonely train station, I thought it best if I kept a watchful eye on them and followed (it was in the direction I needed to go anyway).

We had just finished climbing the stairs to exit the station, with me at a respectful distance, when one of the boyfriends ran past me and caught up with the girls. As I walked past them and headed home, I listened to Boyfriend 1, who had several rapidly emerging bruises on his face and very red knuckles, explain that

"Hey, like, we just got into a fight and that and Bobby is a little hurt back there man"

The girls seemed unsurprised and completely uninterested, the later not being particularly remarkable in retrospect. All three yelled out for Bobby but Bobby wasn't appearing. I kept walking and as they left my line of sight they were slowing descending the steps to scrape up the remains of Bobby. Interesting, the girls were no longer holding hands.

I feared for the future of the country as I realised all four could probably either vote or were just about to become eligible.

As I walked the few minutes home, it occurred to me why picking someone for the Test team at the age of 20, as in the case of Phillip Hughes, is such as risk. Poor Phil, one day he is delayed on the way to an all night XBox party by punching his best mate whilst his girlfriend kisses his mate's girlfriend and the next he is in London with the Australia cricket team and Andrew Symonds is trying to make him drink beers with him in the middle of the day during television coverage of Rugby League. It is a clash of the generations that is simply never going to end well.

A strange night had just got a little bit odd. At least my indoor batting display was a now distant memory.

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If Office cricket and teenage lesbians using public transport wasn't amazing enough, imagine my surprise when I found out that finally, a month and a half after you read it here first, the Stanford's Lap endorsed Australian bowling line up of Johnson, Siddle, Hilfenhaus and Clark finally got its first run of the series. And surprise, bloody surprise, they ran riot and with Australia 94 ahead at the end of the first day, have tipped the Test well and truly in favour of Ponting's men.

I was particularly pleased for Stuart Clark as I was becoming increasingly worried that he would burst into tears in an interview at some point, so desperate he seemed to play a Test. I understand trying to give the South African line up a go at Cardiff but the minute Johnson sprayed one down leg side, I would have kicked him straight out the door and brought in Clark. Clark is a reassuring figure that inspires confidence. He takes wickets as well as ties up an end. He makes the entire team bowl better.

On the personal front, it was great to see Siddle finally get a bag. Ever since I first wrote "Most wickets for Australia: Peter Siddle. Unheralded I know, but will really come of age in this series", Peter has basically done everything he can to prove me to be a total and utter buffoon. I am glad he has finally come to his senses, got his mongrel back and starting hitting his straps. I confess to being a little alarmed at his mentor though: Darren Pattinson. I am not sure that this is in his long term interests.

On the English batting front, it was a temporary return to the very bad old days of loose shots and soft dismissals. Bopara in particular looks lost and out of his depth at 3. England need to do something about this. A few soft hundreds against lowly West Indies does not a Test number 3 make.

The trend continued when it was Australia's turn to bat. Despite my urgings, England have gone back to Harmison and to the surprise of no one but seemingly the ever persistent English selectors, he has let them down again (after previously letting them down again and again and before that again, again and again). England please, for your own sanity, give up on this bloke. He is never, ever, in a million years going to be the player he should be. I know he should, you know he should and God only knows Steve probably bloody knows he should but he won't; not now, not ever. As I have said before, he is your Symonds, your lost cause, your frustratingly almost but not quite man. At least we finally had the gumption to give up on ours. Come on, give up on yours as well. You know it makes sense. What's wrong with Sidebottom (apart from a still humorous name) ?

Australia batted well with Watson shining once again. I am starting to warm to him actually. I still say it is crazy to open with him and he is not a long term solution but you can't argue with three 50s on the trot; much better than backing away for 15 minute minutes and slicing a 12 through the slips. Maybe he will tide us over until we find a real Opener. I can't help but be impressed by his public slagging of underpant merchant come Bollywood singer, Brett Lee's readiness to play in this Test and ammused, but slightly apalled, by his readiness to give advice to the boy he replaced in the team, Phillip Hughes. Come on Shane, you have played 10 Tests in 7 years, don't get ahead of yourself. All that aside, he has batted calmly and purposefully and done very well.

Ponting was sublime yet again but got a bit booed when he walked out to bat. I think we need to get over ourselves a little here. A bit of boing is bad sportsmanship and totally lacking in grace and class but hardly the end of the world. I remember one tour of Australia when ever time Richard Hadlee appeared, the entire ground started chanting "Hadlee's a Wanker". Like Ponting he was an all time great and like Ponting he ignored it all and performed to his usual level anyway (actually I think we made him mad and he did even better than usual that year). If we stop talking about the booing it is probably all going to disappear rather quickly. Remember, great players don't get put off by this silliness, they get inspired by it. We stopped sledging Brian Lara for a reason remember. The minority of English supporters would do well to learn this lesson.

So, advantage Australia and with no rain, you would expect them to win from here within 4 days. However with the forecast for the 4th and 5th days being wet, we are in a race against time to get a result at all. Nothing will ever match 2005 but this series has contained just about everything so far. It is fantastic to see evenly matched sides playing interesting 5 day cricket. I would still like to see Australia win the series though but am happy for it to stay close !

Despite the somewhat premature celebrations, Stuart Clark bowled well on the first morning of the 4th Test and deserved to feel vindicated in his previous claims for selection

Whilst talking about strange things, if proof was needed that the world really has gone stark, raving mad, then look no further than to singer Lily Allen admitting to a crush on Graham Onions.

Stop the world. I want to get off

From bad to mad and the rotten luck of Jaques

This coming Australian season Shane Watson will be playing for NSW instead of Queensland after he moved states to be closer to his girlfriend, Lee Furlong.

The incumbent Australian opening batsman would of course open at State level as well wouldn't he ? Of course he would. Well, actually, no he won't.

In a rare recent statement of sense from a senior Australian cricket official, Cricket NSW chief executive David Gilbert today said

‘‘No way. Shane has always been a very good batsman around No.4 and No.5. He has had very little playing experience as an opener. When we got him, it was very much as a guy who could bolster our batting at No.4 or No.5 and also give us some bowling. ‘Hughesy’ and Jaques are obviously two outstanding openers for us.’’

Interesting. So Shane is a better option to open the batting against international bowlers but when it comes to state trundlers, he has to go back down the order and let the real openers take over

If Hughes and Jaques are opening for NSW then that means Simon Katich, our senior Australian opening batsman will also not be walking out to face the new ball in Shield cricket

So we now have a situation where not only can our number one international spinner, Hauritz, not get a permanent spot in the NSW side, but both Australian openers aren't good enough to open at State level.

I must be dreaming. It is the worst dream I had since I dreamt I was facing Joel Garner in a Test match on a pitch 6 metres in length; scary, really, really scary. Has there ever been time in Test match history where both a country's openers can't hold their spots in domestic cricket ? I bet there hasn't. All of our selectors need to be sacked instantly.

All this talk of NSW openers got me thinking about Phil Jaques. The poor bloke, after waiting what seemed an age for a turn and averaging almost 50 after 11 tests, two rounds of back surgery saw him replaced in the pecking order by the former next big thing, the Twist and Shout merchant, Phillip Hughes. Then when Phillip was dropped, he was replaced by a bodybuilding bowler. To make matters worse, just when he was on the mend, his wife gave him the flick ! Not good at all.

I am sure his luck is on the mend. He deserves it. Hang on, what grade club is Watson going to play with now that he has moved to Sydney ? Oh I see, Sutherland have secured his services. Who else plays there ?

Oh no Phil, not again !

Determined to be first in line to open the batting at his grade club Sutherland, Phil Jaques camped outside the ground during the off season, often only with local school children for company

The End of the World is Nigh

"There will be signs in the sun, the moon, and the stars, and on earth nations will be in dismay, perplexed by the roaring of the sea and the waves. People will die of fright in anticipation of what is coming upon the world, for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. But when these signs begin to happen, stand erect and raise your heads because your redemption is at hand"

Luke 21:25-33

An Australian WAG inspects the Evening Standard's coverage of the Shane Watson selection

Repent

Repent now

Repent strongly

Repent repeatedly

The end of the world is nigh

There can be no other possible explanation for the selection of Shane Watson as Australia's newest opening batsman. Save yourselves while there is still time, the world is falling apart.

Whilst I have been calling for the dropping of Twist and Shout merchant Hughes for a while now, it was never my plan for him to be replaced with an all rounder who has been injured for the past 10 years.

This is a complete, utter, unmitigated, unadulterated, clear, concise, obvious, blinding and woeful disgrace.

Shane has opened the batting in real cricket a grand total of 6 times for innings of 0, 0, 0, 15, 13 and 0 (for Queensland in 2006 / 07 when he was trying to make yet another comeback into the Australian team after injury and sensed a potential place at the top of the order). His average opening the batting is therefore 4.66666667

Has cricket become so commoditised, so 20 20 focused, so grey and unspecialised that anyone can open the batting in a Test match ? I strongly doubt it but this seems to be the intimation here. It is ridiculous. If you look at some of the wonderful opening batsmen Australia have had over the years, it brings tears to my eyes seeing Shane's name amongst them. It is an insult to opening batsmen across Australian first class cricket

There is no doubt that Shane is a capable cricket but this experiment will end in tears, mark my words. Before it does, let's have a short walk down memory lane, hand in hand with the man himself

"Wato" Watson is a massive bloke; always has been. He is built more like a body builder than a cricketer which probably explains most of the reason for the key achievement of his career: injuries. It is a shame really that quite a talented player is far more famous for falling apart than for achievements on the field.

It all started for Shane with stress fractures of the back in his teens (a few times). Then he moved onto everyone's favourite, the hamstring which he pulled out of the bag on many occasions over the course of his career. There was a quick foray back into spinal stress fractures, a re-modelled bowling action and then a thigh strain or 3, more stress fractures, another re-modelled action and then a couple of calf injuries. I am sure at some point he stubbed his toe, cut his finger nails too close and got a dodgy haircut once or twice as well. The summary of all of this is that at 28 years of age, despite being the most golden of golden boys, Shane has played a grand total of 8 Test matches without much return at all

Shane moved from Queensland to Tasmania to secure a first class position at 20 or 21. A few games later, we picked him, with no real justification, along with Nathan Hauritz, in the Australian One Day side in an attempt to build for the future. Then he basically got injured for the next 7 years. During this time he, among other things

• Did some very dodgy nude photos
• Got engaged to a dancer, Kym Johnson, who then left him for her partner on "Dancing with the Stars", Tom Williams. Kym would have been a great wag by the way
• Moved back from Tasmania to Queensland because he hated the cold
• Found a new girlfriend, Lee Furlong
• Got so scared of ghosts at Lumley Castle in 2005 that he went into Brett Lee's room and slept on the floor for some company (I personally believe he climbed into bed with Brett and asked to be cuddled to sleep)
• Was Man of the Series in the first IPL
• Played for Hampshire
• Got injured

We seem to be forever trying to find a place in the national team for Shane. He seems to forever disappoint us. To quote a very wise man who spoke to me recently

"Ponting has a man crush on Watson"

I agree. That must be the reason he keeps getting back in the team.

The Ashes are gone Australia, plain and simple. When we are opening the batting with Shane Watson, we are not grasping at straws, he have no straws at all and, after searching the barn just to make 100% sure, we are down at the local farmer's market bartering for some barley as a quick substitute.

Plan the parade in the bus England and get some beers cooling in the fridge for Freddie for we have lost.

I can't believe this is happening again. The wheels are well and truly off

Not for the first time nor for the last time, Shane Watson pulls a heartilage

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Whilst being replaced with Watson must have been tough, does Hughes or his Manager have to announce his dropping before play starts on some new fangled young person's internet machine site ? This is totally lacking in class.

If mobile phones in the dressing room are banned, why not ban all players from using the Internet at all times ? What's next ? Ricky Ponting sex tapes leaked on Youtube ? There is no place for modern technology in Test cricket. We all need to grow a 70s Mo, drink more beer and struggle to use a video machine again. Life was so much simpler and rewarding then

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Lastly, I think it is great that Graham Manou gets a run in this series but I am very upset about the coverage of his ascension. There is very little mention of his keeping, only of his batting record. We all need to remember that a wicketkeeper's job is keeping wicket and sledging. He needs to take catches, collect stumpings and put the batsmen off their games. Any runs picked up in between are a bonus. Manou is a good keeper, probably tidier than Haddin but no where near the batsman. Good luck to him, I hope he takes his chance (with both hands, on the inside hip, watching the ball all the way into his gloves)

Australia humbled by one legged retiree

As unconventional as it was, Andrew Flintoff''s morning warm up routine always seemed to hold him in good stead for the events of the day

Andrew Flintoff is finished

England do better when Flintoff is not in the team

Andrew is a broken man, full of injuries

He is a boozer who could give Symonds a run for his money in the silly antics stakes

Flintoff only has one knee

He was just an average player according to the statistics

Andrew lost the Ashes terribly in 2006 / 07

Flintoff is retiring at the end of this series

In my head, I know all of these statements are true. I know this.

Why then do I get worried every time he takes the ball ? Why does the crowd roar, why does the pitch start bouncing and seaming, why do brave fighters start turning their heads as the ball screams at them ? Why do I try so hard to dislike him yet fail to ?

I think there are probably two main reasons why Flintoff never got the numbers that his talent seemed to demand

1. He was a victim of England often not being at their strongest: He was usually the best bowler in the side and I feel England got caught between using him as a wicket taker, a defensive tactic and an intimidator. He probably ended up bowling too many overs and lost his impact a little at times when wearing the first hat, whilst also being forced to bowl lines and lengths that weren't necessarily most conducive to wicket taking with the second and third hats atop his head

2. It is difficult, this fast bowling all rounder stuff: Aside from acts with goats that are probably best left for another discussion or one of those ultra supple female buskers that packs themselves completely into a clear plastic square box about 30cm X 30cm X 30cm, right near the entrance to my office, fast bowling is one of the most unnatural acts the body can be forced to perform. Around 8 times your body weight lands on your front leg each delivery and striving for pace is actually known as "bending your back", hardly what your local Chiropractor would recommend. Add batting, slip fielding, pedalo racing and the previous point into the mix and it is little wonder he never quite consistently produced his absolute best.

For all that, I followed him closely in the lead up to the 2005 series and have kept up to date ever since (when he wasn't injured !). Most Australians will remember 2005 and 2009, ignore 2006 / 07 and always have Fred in the very top shelf of cricketers. To us, he was, and still is, an inmoveable collosus; someone to fear and aspire to at the same time.

Make no mistake though, this Flintoff inspired win is a major turning point in the series. Just as England losing in Adelaide during the 2006 / 07 tour, after scoring over 500 in the first innings, destroyed them for the rest of the tour, Australia losing so badly at Lords after dominating the first Test strongly will almost certainly have a similar effect. Australia will continue to battle but it will be extremely difficult to come back from this.

In years to come, Flintoff bowling his team to victory on the last day of the 2nd Test in 2009 on one leg, needled up, unable to warm up, washed up and with his desk packed up, will be spoken of in the same breath as Botham at Headingly in 1981 or Steve Waugh's last ball of the day century at the SCG in 2002 / 03 (Dave, Lou and I were there !). These are moments to treasure, stories to pass on from generation to generation. Flintoff deserves his place amongst the greats, regardless of what the statistics say.

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One thing I do think needs to stop quick smart is the way Flintoff has started to turn 90 degrees to the wicket with arms raised in the air, waiting to be mobbed, each time he takes a wicket. I saw it described tonight in the free newspaper given out at most train stops around Sydney each evening as alternatively "The Elvis", "The Jesus", "The Travolta" and "The Nixon" but I think I will go with "The Gesture".

Once or twice at crucial moments and The Gesture is iconic, series defining. Dismissing Hughes in the first innings of the first test was one of those moments. After all the talk of whether Freddie could still cut it at this level, coupled with all the talk of Hughes being the New Bradman (completely mad though it was), breaking down Hughes so quickly was a sign that Fred was back, bigger and badder than ever. The Gesture hammered it home and marked the moment as a very special one. It was Freddie saying "I told you I still had it... now come over here and give me some man love" (NB. the actual Lancastrian translation may have been slightly different). The Gesture means something because it is so arrogant yet so appropriate.

However, pull out The Gesture after taking each of your 5 wickets in the second innings at Lords and the spontaneity starts to wear off. It appears, and almost certainly is, highly rehearsed and an obvious ploy for the front page of tomorrow's paper. Even worse, it cheapens the previous times The Gesture has appeared, makes them much less special than they seemed at the time. It makes me feel a bit embarrassed that I got suckered in with The Gesture the first few times as it is so clearly an act. A bit like when Metallica put out their 6th studio album Load in 1996. It was such an obvious grab for cash that .... well, that's another story and another Blog I guess. I am liable to go completely over the top if I start typing those particular thoughts up.

Anyway, come on Fred, pack The Gesture away for a while. Make it's unveiling a little special again. Better still, stop smashing us to bits and you won't need to use it !

He's not the Messiah, just an occasional very naughty boy

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Where to now for Australia ?

The batting is almost there as proved in the first Test. Hughes remains a real concern for me. I don't think his twisting and shouting will get one off the square for the rest of the series. Unless he gets a very big score in the next county game or in the third Test, he should be dropped. For whom though ? We haven't brought another opener. I hear whispers of Shane Watson opening the batting but surely this is the ramblings of a Shane's Dad only. Chris Rogers possibly ? Unlikely. This is a real problem with no obvious answer. Hussey continues to be a worry but I feel he will make his way back into the runs, courtesy of his solid technique. Aside from that, everyone has made runs, everyone is in form. We just need to use our heads when batting again. Not losing 5 batsmen to hook shots would be a wonderful start.

Keeping wise, I don't like Haddin's form at all. The keeper is like the Drummer in the Band, when they are out of time, the rest of the team follow. It is no surprise to see keeping fumbles and byes coincide with overthrows and missed dives in the outfield. The keeper sets the tone, Haddin needs to tune up or drop out.

Bowling wise, the most glaringly obvious problem is that of Mitchell Johnson. Bowling too fast ? Trying to swing it ? Upset about his Mum's comments about his WAG ? Never really that good in the first place ? All of the above ? Whatever it is needs to be fixed. For mine, he either takes 8 wickets for zip in the next county game or he doesn't play the third Test. This match was lost on the first morning, we can't do that again.

A huge positive on the bowling front is Peter Siddle's ability to vomit on the Lords grass on the same day that the Queen, the Stones and Michael Parkinson were all in attendance. If Pete has the courage to do this, then he can do anything ! Hifenhaus is going well and fulfilling my prediction of becoming The New Terry Alderman and ... umm.... who did I miss ... oh yes .... Hauritz has gone better than expected.

Third Test, here we come !

The Hero

He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy

Two weeks ago a disgraced Freddie Flintoff had slept in and missed the team bus for a visit to the war memorials in Belgium. As usual Pedalo Fred's flaws were aired in public and the press stood on their usual high morale ground. Today the column inches are filled with such finely crafted journalism that it's almost impossible to think that both events happened in the same universe. Such is the triumph of sport that all of flaws are forgotten.

At Lord's yesterday Flintoff bowled one of the great spells of fast bowling I think modern test cricket has ever seen. Ten overs of hostile accurate bowling. Such was the power of this spell that each ball was a stern examination of technique and temperament delivered ultimately to the Australian tail. Nerves were soon settled when Brad Haddin was dismissed in almost cursory manner. The body language of Flintoff gave off an air of inevitability. He was a shear force of nature. Like a raging hurricane there was nothing to stop this onslaught.

In today's Times Simon Barnes writes '...Flintoff’s may not go down in history as the greatest of great careers. But Flintoff can do greatness — genuine greatness — on a seasonal basis, as he did four years ago, and on a daily basis, as he did yesterday. His thundering spell of mesmeric hostility first snuffed out the candle flame of Australian hope and then plunged them into the darkness of defeat. He bowled for an hour and a half in excess of 90mph, and every ball was a drama.'

In a wider context though this was no one man show. The batting of Strauss and Cook on the first morning took the game away from Australia. The second innings contributions of Collingwood and Prior maintained the momentum when England wobbled and Grame Swann finally showed some form in the second innings taking four wickets including the vital wicket of the brilliant but crestfallen Micheal Clarke.

Looking forward to the next test Australia have some serious problems in their camp. Mitchell Johnson looks lost at the moment. There are concerns that the tinkering of Troy Cooley has hindered the development of Australia's top bowler. The form of Phillip Hughes is a worry and the lack of cover for an out of form opening batsman is a major concern.

Not all is rosy with England either. KP is struggling with his Achilles injury. Something he now admits is affecting his form with the bat. If KP does not make the third test then expect an inform Ian Bell to return. Question marks still surround Ravi Bopara at three but don't expect any changes unless they are enforced by injury.

Early Morning Nostalgia

I was reading the Times Online this morning and came across this:



This is what we need from Freddie today.

Oliver Brett on BBC Sport discusses what is up with Ravi Bopara. So far he has looked nothing like a number three. This continues to be a problem position for England. Ian Bell scored a hundred for Warwickshire yesterday just to give the selectors a nudge. Is he really the answer though?

The problem England may have for the next test however is the fitness of Kevin Pietersen. He has consistently been troubled by an achilles injury most of the summer. It worries me when players are sent out to play five day test cricket after a series of injections. In KP's case surely rest is the only answer?

If England are bold enough to not play KP then maybe Rob Key could be the answer?

He finished on 270 yesterday and has the attitude to take on the Australians. I'm sure he's love to take on Mitchell Johnson at the moment. Australia'a premier fast bowler served up another day of random deliveries yesterday.

Ian Chappell commented in the Times that '...Johnson is looking increasingly like a bowler who has tried to incorporate a new delivery [the inswinger] into his armoury and in doing so has lost his natural action.'

Simon Hughes reports that '...Johnson began badly, with a leg-stump half-volley to Alastair Cook, and things went downhill from there. He was either too short or too full and his line was all over the place. '



Homer Johnson see's another full toss despatched to the boundary



Expect England to bat for a few overs today before declaring.