Australia humbled by one legged retiree

As unconventional as it was, Andrew Flintoff''s morning warm up routine always seemed to hold him in good stead for the events of the day

Andrew Flintoff is finished

England do better when Flintoff is not in the team

Andrew is a broken man, full of injuries

He is a boozer who could give Symonds a run for his money in the silly antics stakes

Flintoff only has one knee

He was just an average player according to the statistics

Andrew lost the Ashes terribly in 2006 / 07

Flintoff is retiring at the end of this series

In my head, I know all of these statements are true. I know this.

Why then do I get worried every time he takes the ball ? Why does the crowd roar, why does the pitch start bouncing and seaming, why do brave fighters start turning their heads as the ball screams at them ? Why do I try so hard to dislike him yet fail to ?

I think there are probably two main reasons why Flintoff never got the numbers that his talent seemed to demand

1. He was a victim of England often not being at their strongest: He was usually the best bowler in the side and I feel England got caught between using him as a wicket taker, a defensive tactic and an intimidator. He probably ended up bowling too many overs and lost his impact a little at times when wearing the first hat, whilst also being forced to bowl lines and lengths that weren't necessarily most conducive to wicket taking with the second and third hats atop his head

2. It is difficult, this fast bowling all rounder stuff: Aside from acts with goats that are probably best left for another discussion or one of those ultra supple female buskers that packs themselves completely into a clear plastic square box about 30cm X 30cm X 30cm, right near the entrance to my office, fast bowling is one of the most unnatural acts the body can be forced to perform. Around 8 times your body weight lands on your front leg each delivery and striving for pace is actually known as "bending your back", hardly what your local Chiropractor would recommend. Add batting, slip fielding, pedalo racing and the previous point into the mix and it is little wonder he never quite consistently produced his absolute best.

For all that, I followed him closely in the lead up to the 2005 series and have kept up to date ever since (when he wasn't injured !). Most Australians will remember 2005 and 2009, ignore 2006 / 07 and always have Fred in the very top shelf of cricketers. To us, he was, and still is, an inmoveable collosus; someone to fear and aspire to at the same time.

Make no mistake though, this Flintoff inspired win is a major turning point in the series. Just as England losing in Adelaide during the 2006 / 07 tour, after scoring over 500 in the first innings, destroyed them for the rest of the tour, Australia losing so badly at Lords after dominating the first Test strongly will almost certainly have a similar effect. Australia will continue to battle but it will be extremely difficult to come back from this.

In years to come, Flintoff bowling his team to victory on the last day of the 2nd Test in 2009 on one leg, needled up, unable to warm up, washed up and with his desk packed up, will be spoken of in the same breath as Botham at Headingly in 1981 or Steve Waugh's last ball of the day century at the SCG in 2002 / 03 (Dave, Lou and I were there !). These are moments to treasure, stories to pass on from generation to generation. Flintoff deserves his place amongst the greats, regardless of what the statistics say.

*************************

One thing I do think needs to stop quick smart is the way Flintoff has started to turn 90 degrees to the wicket with arms raised in the air, waiting to be mobbed, each time he takes a wicket. I saw it described tonight in the free newspaper given out at most train stops around Sydney each evening as alternatively "The Elvis", "The Jesus", "The Travolta" and "The Nixon" but I think I will go with "The Gesture".

Once or twice at crucial moments and The Gesture is iconic, series defining. Dismissing Hughes in the first innings of the first test was one of those moments. After all the talk of whether Freddie could still cut it at this level, coupled with all the talk of Hughes being the New Bradman (completely mad though it was), breaking down Hughes so quickly was a sign that Fred was back, bigger and badder than ever. The Gesture hammered it home and marked the moment as a very special one. It was Freddie saying "I told you I still had it... now come over here and give me some man love" (NB. the actual Lancastrian translation may have been slightly different). The Gesture means something because it is so arrogant yet so appropriate.

However, pull out The Gesture after taking each of your 5 wickets in the second innings at Lords and the spontaneity starts to wear off. It appears, and almost certainly is, highly rehearsed and an obvious ploy for the front page of tomorrow's paper. Even worse, it cheapens the previous times The Gesture has appeared, makes them much less special than they seemed at the time. It makes me feel a bit embarrassed that I got suckered in with The Gesture the first few times as it is so clearly an act. A bit like when Metallica put out their 6th studio album Load in 1996. It was such an obvious grab for cash that .... well, that's another story and another Blog I guess. I am liable to go completely over the top if I start typing those particular thoughts up.

Anyway, come on Fred, pack The Gesture away for a while. Make it's unveiling a little special again. Better still, stop smashing us to bits and you won't need to use it !

He's not the Messiah, just an occasional very naughty boy

**********************

Where to now for Australia ?

The batting is almost there as proved in the first Test. Hughes remains a real concern for me. I don't think his twisting and shouting will get one off the square for the rest of the series. Unless he gets a very big score in the next county game or in the third Test, he should be dropped. For whom though ? We haven't brought another opener. I hear whispers of Shane Watson opening the batting but surely this is the ramblings of a Shane's Dad only. Chris Rogers possibly ? Unlikely. This is a real problem with no obvious answer. Hussey continues to be a worry but I feel he will make his way back into the runs, courtesy of his solid technique. Aside from that, everyone has made runs, everyone is in form. We just need to use our heads when batting again. Not losing 5 batsmen to hook shots would be a wonderful start.

Keeping wise, I don't like Haddin's form at all. The keeper is like the Drummer in the Band, when they are out of time, the rest of the team follow. It is no surprise to see keeping fumbles and byes coincide with overthrows and missed dives in the outfield. The keeper sets the tone, Haddin needs to tune up or drop out.

Bowling wise, the most glaringly obvious problem is that of Mitchell Johnson. Bowling too fast ? Trying to swing it ? Upset about his Mum's comments about his WAG ? Never really that good in the first place ? All of the above ? Whatever it is needs to be fixed. For mine, he either takes 8 wickets for zip in the next county game or he doesn't play the third Test. This match was lost on the first morning, we can't do that again.

A huge positive on the bowling front is Peter Siddle's ability to vomit on the Lords grass on the same day that the Queen, the Stones and Michael Parkinson were all in attendance. If Pete has the courage to do this, then he can do anything ! Hifenhaus is going well and fulfilling my prediction of becoming The New Terry Alderman and ... umm.... who did I miss ... oh yes .... Hauritz has gone better than expected.

Third Test, here we come !

The Hero

He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy

Two weeks ago a disgraced Freddie Flintoff had slept in and missed the team bus for a visit to the war memorials in Belgium. As usual Pedalo Fred's flaws were aired in public and the press stood on their usual high morale ground. Today the column inches are filled with such finely crafted journalism that it's almost impossible to think that both events happened in the same universe. Such is the triumph of sport that all of flaws are forgotten.

At Lord's yesterday Flintoff bowled one of the great spells of fast bowling I think modern test cricket has ever seen. Ten overs of hostile accurate bowling. Such was the power of this spell that each ball was a stern examination of technique and temperament delivered ultimately to the Australian tail. Nerves were soon settled when Brad Haddin was dismissed in almost cursory manner. The body language of Flintoff gave off an air of inevitability. He was a shear force of nature. Like a raging hurricane there was nothing to stop this onslaught.

In today's Times Simon Barnes writes '...Flintoff’s may not go down in history as the greatest of great careers. But Flintoff can do greatness — genuine greatness — on a seasonal basis, as he did four years ago, and on a daily basis, as he did yesterday. His thundering spell of mesmeric hostility first snuffed out the candle flame of Australian hope and then plunged them into the darkness of defeat. He bowled for an hour and a half in excess of 90mph, and every ball was a drama.'

In a wider context though this was no one man show. The batting of Strauss and Cook on the first morning took the game away from Australia. The second innings contributions of Collingwood and Prior maintained the momentum when England wobbled and Grame Swann finally showed some form in the second innings taking four wickets including the vital wicket of the brilliant but crestfallen Micheal Clarke.

Looking forward to the next test Australia have some serious problems in their camp. Mitchell Johnson looks lost at the moment. There are concerns that the tinkering of Troy Cooley has hindered the development of Australia's top bowler. The form of Phillip Hughes is a worry and the lack of cover for an out of form opening batsman is a major concern.

Not all is rosy with England either. KP is struggling with his Achilles injury. Something he now admits is affecting his form with the bat. If KP does not make the third test then expect an inform Ian Bell to return. Question marks still surround Ravi Bopara at three but don't expect any changes unless they are enforced by injury.

Early Morning Nostalgia

I was reading the Times Online this morning and came across this:



This is what we need from Freddie today.

Oliver Brett on BBC Sport discusses what is up with Ravi Bopara. So far he has looked nothing like a number three. This continues to be a problem position for England. Ian Bell scored a hundred for Warwickshire yesterday just to give the selectors a nudge. Is he really the answer though?

The problem England may have for the next test however is the fitness of Kevin Pietersen. He has consistently been troubled by an achilles injury most of the summer. It worries me when players are sent out to play five day test cricket after a series of injections. In KP's case surely rest is the only answer?

If England are bold enough to not play KP then maybe Rob Key could be the answer?

He finished on 270 yesterday and has the attitude to take on the Australians. I'm sure he's love to take on Mitchell Johnson at the moment. Australia'a premier fast bowler served up another day of random deliveries yesterday.

Ian Chappell commented in the Times that '...Johnson is looking increasingly like a bowler who has tried to incorporate a new delivery [the inswinger] into his armoury and in doing so has lost his natural action.'

Simon Hughes reports that '...Johnson began badly, with a leg-stump half-volley to Alastair Cook, and things went downhill from there. He was either too short or too full and his line was all over the place. '



Homer Johnson see's another full toss despatched to the boundary



Expect England to bat for a few overs today before declaring.

Anderson bites back

'Mark my words, Jimmy Anderson will be the star of the Ashes in 2009' ( Chris Brown, sometime in 2008.)

I've been gently taking the mick out of Brownie about this statement for about the last 12 months almost confident that Anderson wouldn't even be in the team for the Ashes. Even last Saturday we we're sat in the Sportsmens Arms joking that Anderson was a star, but with the bat and not the ball. We were talking in light of the great rearguard performance at Cardiff when all of the England bowlers looked fairly innoucous and pretty flat pitch.

In the last 12 months though something has changed with Anderson. He's matured. He's developed an inswinger and a measure of control he's not previously shown before. More interestingly he's started to sledge. Nasser Hussain in his autobiography said that Anderson was one of the hardest cricketers he's ever had to captain because he was so introverted. So what has changed?

Anderson has said himeself that he has matured and has grown into the role of the number one bowler. He destroyed the West Indies in the summer and bowled such outstanding spells that he moved Hussain to write:

He is the finished article now, at his absolute peak, and that applies whatever the opposition and the conditions. He will be the biggest threat to the Australians of the English attack.


Maybe Brownie was right, my phone will be buzzing all summer with incoming text messages from him. Watching Anderson gives interviews, his body laungauge on the field, the sledging and hard stares makes me think that Hussain is right. Anderson has finally arrived. He's at the peak of his powers. He now has the platform on which to perform. Can he deliver England the ashes?

Getting back to the Wags, it was interesting to see Michael Clarke's rather feeble dismissal yesterday. I'm sure his girlfriend Lara Bingle could have played a better shot.



Looking at today's weather forecast it looks like we're in for more cloud cover and humid condtions. Steep forward Mr Anderson, your country needs you.

Hook Line and Sinker (and Dr Matthews)

This series is starting to resemble 2005. Let's remember that Australia completely dominated the first Test four years ago as well, only to be decimated in the second and to go on and lose the series.

After an insipid performance on day 1 (which Brad Haddin remarkably put down to being a good old fashioned dose of stage fright), it was amateur hour all through day 2. We managed to lose five of the top eight batsmen to hook shots. What is this, park cricket ? The offenders were

• Hughes: caught down the leg side after an attempted hook shot. Phil has now been out to a short one the last four innings on this tour. I smell an unravelling here. Still he fell for the short ball trick hook, line and sinker
• Katich: caught hooking with two men back. Unforgivable really. Hook, line and sinker
• North: bottom edged onto his stump hooking. Arrogant. Hook, line and sinker
• Haddin: caught at square leg hooking. Soft. Hook, line and sinker
• Johnson: caught hooking with two men back. Weak. Hook, line and sinker

If this had happened in a team lead by my former skipper Josh Toth, there would have hell to pay. He would have flecked those Hungarian pedigree muscles and threatened physical violence (and been completely within his rights I may add). What is Ponting doing about this ? Does he have any Hungarian in him at all ? Those damm WAGs have clearly been in the ears of the players again, whispering their sweet siren call and providing general flesh based distractions.

On top of all of this, the Australia team have created a minor international incident by snubbing the members at Lords and refusing to attend an end of the day function with them. It seems an odd decision to me. We are going so badly, why not spend a night on the drink with a bunch of old blokes in bright ties ? You know Andrew Symonds would have

At least the Duke of Edinburgh is still on form. When presented with Australian coach Tim Nielson during lunch he asked

“Hello, are you the scorer?”

Long may the Duke reign !

Australia are 8/156, well over two hundred runs behind and in huge trouble

The Queen was reported to be surprisingly understanding about subject Peter Siddle's reaction to Australia's performance on Day 2 at Lords

******************

The day former Australian player of the 80s and 90s Greg Matthews spoke at my high school will be with me always. The year must have been 1988 or 1989. We had a tough Head / Principle at the time, a lady of about 67 who had taken the board of education to court to allow her to keep working. She won, unfortunately for us.

We had all been excited for weeks that Greg (or Mo as he was often known) was coming to address us. We all knew what house he had grown up in, as it was right next to the school, and we all knew that his Mum still lived there. We all mentioned this fact whenever we walked past it (we all walked everywhere in those days) and made sure our parents knew if they drove us past. It seemed everyone's older brother had a story about Mo playing cricket in a cul-de sac with them; most would have been fantasy but maybe, just maybe, one or two were true.

I was especially excited because as I played junior rep cricket for Northern Districts I was totally in awe of Mo. Literally every batting and bowling record for every age group for Northern Districts juniors was held by him, a fact we all marvelled at presentation evening. One year, Mo was scheduled to present the trophies at the Northern Districts presentation. Much to everyone's surprise, his Mum appeared instead. She explained that Greg was ill and in hospital and unable to attend. We were disappointed but understood.

Later, Mrs Matthews was on her feet night handing over the medals to the under 11 winners, when Greg appeared from a side door, straight from his hospital bed and absolutely bright yellow from illness. His Mother's shock turned to pride as she watched him take the stage to fulfill his commitments to the kids. My father and I still talk about this.

That day at high school, Mo took his place on stage and patiently waited his turn. Our excitement built with each passing moment. Finally, the Principle took the microphone and announced him

"Boys and Girls, please welcome Australian cricketer, Greg Matthews"

We applauded loudly but quickly, eager to listen to the great man speak

Mo sauntered over to the lectern. He always sauntered then; still does. He paused for a few seconds to build tension. When he knew his audience was at fever pitch he leant forward, lightly gripped the microphone and very clearly and very confidently said

"Everything you have seen on Television is wrong

Everything your teachers have taught you is wrong

Everything your parents have told you is wrong.

Winning .... Is everything"

Our jaws dropped and our eyes almost popped out of their heads. And then we cheered. We cheered like we had never cheered before and until we thought our throats would crack. The Principle actually stood up, starting walking over to Mo and told him to stop speaking. Mo waved her away and continued

"Its not about how you play the game

Winning isn't one of the things that may happen, it is the only thing"

We erupted again. Mo was now a God in our eyes. If he said anything else, I don't remember it. When he was done, he simply hopped off the stage and walked straight out the front door of the hall and into legend, without even waiting for the assembly to finish.

My Father still remembers me coming home that day and being able to talk of nothing else. None of us could. It isn't often you meet someone in real life and they are actually more impressive than you build them up in your mind to be. That day at my school, Mo was.

Under all the talk of "dude", "radical" and "yeah, yeah", Greg was a tough, tough man. He filled in a vacant opening batsman spot against the West Indies in the era of 4 super fast quicks and continues to play first grade cricket in Sydney at the age of 50, continuing to take wickets including poor Phil Jacques on return from injury earlier in the season. In 2003, aged 43, Greg was still calling for his re-inclusion in the NSW team, describing himself as

"the second-best spinner in NSW behind Stuart MacGill"

He probably was actually.

Its little wonder then that when Nathan Hauritz left the field with the middle finger on his right hand hanging off after dropping Andrew Strauss, Greg had the following to say

"The good news is it's only dislocated, so now it's about swelling and pain. It's up to Haury as to whether he can bowl or not. It didn't look that radical, but I'm not living it. I hope he takes a courage pill and gets out there and has a dip. Busted fingers and hands just come with the territory"

No XBox or Playstation back in the hotel room and nursing of wounds if Greg was associated with the Australian team. Nathan would be given a slap told to get back out there. I concur, there need to be serious penalties for our abysmal performance so far in the second test. Toughen up boys. Walk it off Nathan.

Dr Matthews prescribed a "courage pill" as the solution to Hauritz's dislocated finger

Trouble at Lords for Australia

"Steve Harmison is the Forest Gump of World Sport: you never know what you are going to get"

Rodney Hogg, Lords, 16 July 2009

The first day of the second Test started well for both sides.

Firstly, England obviously read Stanford's Lap during the past few days and took our advice to avoid panic at all costs. They stuck to their guns and sent Steve Harmison back to Ashington where he is currently reading back issues of the Blyth Spartans Fanzine (many of which contain excellent articles from Dave). Good for you England, look to the future.

Secondly, ex Australian player Rodney Hogg managed to call Steve Harmison the "Forest Gump of World Sport" due to the fact that "you never know what you are going to get" during the SBS Australia commentary. I am not exactly sure what Rodders meant by this but it was difficult not to be impressed with his inventiveness. I have a feeling he got his line a little mixed up and meant to say something like "Steve Harmison is like a box of Chocolates: you never know what you are going to get", a play on the famous line from the film "Forest Gump".

Maybe.

I prefer to think that Rodney was in fact calling Steve a surprisingly athletic, half witted Vietnam veteran, who had a great ability to ignore his Mother's very sad case of hopeless sex addition, whilst he ran a successful prawning operation and fell in love with an Aids ridden ex-intravenous drug user that he once went to school with. A most curious way to describe a man with 221 Test Wickets

Steve Harmison's run up was always inexplicably long

Once play got under way, it was another very meek start from Australia. Again we were too loose and again we looked without energy in the field. However, unlike Cardiff, England's openers didn't get themselves out and instead capitalised; big time.

In the short space of a little over 5 days of Test cricket, Mitchell Johnson has regressed at least two years. He has again become the round arm slinger whose waywardness annoyed me so much when he started in the Australian team. He bowled absolute and total tripe in the first session, full of half trackers outside off stump. England profited, swiftly moving to 0/126 at lunch. Great news for England, we have managed to bowl Cook back into form. Strauss also looked very solid.

Siddle was reasonable and Hilfenhaus (The New Terry Alderman remember) again did well but any session where Nathan Hauritz looks to be the standout bowler (as he did in the morning stanza) cannot be a good one for Australia.

In the field, the keeping of Haddin was the worst I have seen for years in a Test match. As per script, when the batsman left the ball and it went straight to him, his technique was so good it looked like Ian Healy if you squinted hard enough. But when the ball swung or moved in any way, his feet let him down time and time again. Something has to be done about this, it will start costing us dearly. It is ugly and amateurish and not up to Test standard.

I blame the WAGs. The bloody WAGs, Allan Border didn't even let wives and children see their husbands and fathers until the Ashes were won in 1989, famously saying

"When you think about it, the only reason you are in England is because your husband is playing cricket for Australia. That has to come first"

In 1989, Australia didn't have any mornings as poor as the one today. I will leave it to you to ponder just why that might have been.

Of course, I hold 20 20 personally responsible for the introduction of WAGs to Test cricket.

UPDATE: In the process of writing this, England moving to 0/196 before Cook fell just 5 short of his hundred ... LBW Mitchell Johnson, who is an excellent leader of the Australian attack. Hauritz, the last spinner in Australia, has also left the field with a suspected broken finger. Gee wizz, this could become carnage

Despite adopting the motivational tactics favoured by Otto in A Fish Called Wanda, Mitchell Johnson bowled terribly on the first morning of the second Test at Lords

The Great Escape and Sir Ian

Well, the first Test at Cardiff finished in a nail biting, and at times cantankerous, draw. Just when Australia looked like finishing England off and taking a 1-0 lead in the best of five series, Ricky decided to give James Anderson and Monty Panesar an early Christmas present by bowling Marcus North. Oh Ricky, will you never learn ? Thommo just might have had a point about your captaincy after all mightn't he ? Surely we should have bowled Hilfenhaus who had been the pick of our bowlers all Test.

Ricky Ponting ponders what to get England's tailenders for Christmas at the end of the Second Test at Lords

This match showed that whilst Australia are no longer the team they once were, they are still strong and still capable of winning the series. England need to make sure they don't let the joy of saving the match distract them from the fact that they were mauled in this game. Ignoring that will only paper over the distinctly widening cracks in the facade of Strauss's men and leave the root cause untreated. To get ready to rumble at Lords, England need to

1. Remove whatever distractions Kevin Pieterson has in his life currently that have caused his brain to temporarily leave his body. His shot in the first innings was awful but his leave in the second innings spoke of a man whose mind was on other things

2. Get rid of Swann. Cheap wickets against weak opposition simply inflated his potential

3. Give Monty some confidence. He is the best spinner in England but needs to know he is loved so that he can perform his best

4. Concentrate, concentrate, concentrate: The shots played by Cook, Bopara, Strauss, Prior and of coursePieterson, in the second innings were all awful, all either playing across the line on a low pitch or playing at balls that should be been left or defended or well, leaving straight ones

5. Find a new ball partner for Anderson. If it needs to be Broad because Flintoff is still slightly injured, then agree that every half tracker bowled in the second test will require Stuart to write a 1000 word essay on one of his Dad's innings from the 1986 Australian tour

6. Resist the urge to go back to Harmison. This is the man who once professed to preferring to watch football than playing cricket for his country. Let's just accept that he is a massive talent, massively wasted. Its a shame but its the reality. We have Symonds, you have Steve. We all need to move on

7. Man up for goodness sake ! Shaking hands with your bowling colleagues when they have 100 scored from them is not funny, it is embarrassing and woeful body language. Man up boys, look like you care !

From an Australian point of view, not much needs to be done. I suggest the following tune up items

1. Completely renovate the technique of Hughes in the 3 days before the Lords Test. Let's lead with hypnosis and electro shock therapy before moving onto tieing a rope to his back foot before he bats and attaching it to something stationary (this was done to me at around age 13 by my batting coach Mr Madden. Whilst somewhat humiliating and like electro shock therapy in many ways, it works wonderfully well in teaching balance as well as how to strap an injured ankle)

2. Ensure Mitchell Johnson bowls 30 overs a day in the days before the 2nd Test to warm up. Ensure Troy Colley takes the advice of Bryce Thompson and removes Mitchell's ring finger from under the ball at the moment of release, thereby unscrambling the seam

3. Feed Peter Siddle nothing but raw meat and lock him in a room watching endless re-runs of Botham's 81 Ashes and Chris Broad's batting show case during 86/87. Fire up Pete !

********************

Before the Test I made a few big calls on what I was certain would occur. Let's see how I fared

I said: Australia can't play spin, especially left arm finger spinners

What happened: England's two spinners took a grand total of 1 wicket between them

Status of Big Call: Shaky at best. Swann looked barely a first class bowler, let alone Test quality. Monty looked below his best

I said: Nathan Hauritz was less than adequate as a Test bowler (I can't remember the exact words)

What happened: Nathan took the same number of wickets as the entire England team (6)

Status of Big Call: Still correct, first Test form is a notoriously poor indicator of performance over an entire series

I said: Hussey would be the form Australian batsman this series

What happened: Score three in a monstrous batting display from Australia

Status of Big Call: Appears determined to embarrass me

I said: Johnson would be first picked and would run through the English attack , whilst scoring hundreds with the bat

What happened: Umm, pretty poor bowling from Johnson most of the time and he didn't get a bat

Status of Big Call: Give him a break, he just needs to get warmed up.

I said: Siddle would be the pick of the Australian bowlers

What happened: Was very good at times, quite meek at others. Nice throat ball to Bopara

Status of Big Call: Seriously under question

I said: Strauss would lead from the front and make runs

What happened: Never looked comfortable with the bat, looked a little at sea with the captaincy

Status of Big Call: Might be time to back away from this one

I said: Anderson will swing it both ways at pace and confound the Australian batsmen

What happened: Australia batted for 3 days, scored 4 hundreds and an 83. He did swing it both ways though

Status of Big Call: Still on the cards but admittedly has yet to materialise

Plenty of time for the Big Calls to come good !

*******************

Aside from the cricket itself, one of the strangest things about the first Test was the behaviour of Ian Botham in the Sky commentary box. I hadn't seen much of Ian since he managed to slip under the gaze of Royal handlers and receive a Knighthood but was absolutely intrigued to learn that he happily let all of his commentary colleagues, some of whom were ex-team mates and even captained the Beefsta, call him Sir Ian at all times. All except Michael Holding who, for reasons known only to Ian and Michael, was allowed to call him Beefy.

Ian, sorry, Sir Ian, is an interesting fellow to say the very, very least. On one hand he has tried his hand at most extra curricular activities from drugs, to fighting Australian ex-Captains to wenching, to well, just about everything you can think of. It seems that the only thing he missed out on was text message based scandal but I am sure that Warnie can help him out when they meet up for the second Test. On the other hand he is a potential Tory MP and a great fan of ex-Tory leader William Hague. Ian is a classic Game of Two Halves.

Is it just me, and I freely admit that it may be, or does sitting there smiling smugly whilst people that you have known for 35 years call you "Sir", smack of the grossest pomposity ? Ian, surely the years have mellowed you, surely you are now a self confident and happy individual ? Surely ? Possibly ? Maybe ?

Kath Botham made the Palace Guards promise to make sure Sir Ian didn't have an opportunity to spend any alone time with the Queen post Knighthood

STOP PRESS: ANDREW FLINTOFF HAS RETIRED FROM TEST CRICKET. Amazing. He will play out the Ashes and then concentrate on one day matches and the devil's game, 20 20. So long Freddie and thanks for all the bruises

Don't Panic !

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the book that elevated the towel from simple drying aid to the role of essential DIY tool, strongly cautioned against panicking. So much so in fact, that it famously emblazoned the words "DON'T PANIC" on its front cover. England's cricket selectors would do well to grab a towel and wrap it around their head whilst closing their eyes tight, lest they be assaulted with a wide variety of media outlets urging them to do exactly what the publishers of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy have taken such trouble to help them avoid.

The English editor of Cricinfo, for example, seems prepared to do anything

"On today's evidence, it's going to be nigh on impossible to resist affording Steve Harmison one final, final shot at redemption if England are to claim anything from this series. It really is looking that desperate right now"

Is it really ? Let's remind ourselves of a few things to stop ourselves from panicking, or over-celebrating depending on nationality

1. Australia have not become useless overnight

Yes some all time greats have retired and no, their replacements aren't as good. No, there is no longer Warne and McGrath to throw the ball to when times get tough and I agree Hughes andKatich aren't as imposing as Langer and Hayden. But this team is up and coming and contains mostly very capable players. The replacement batsmen might not be young but they are far better than given credit for in the past couple of weeks. Katich has had an amazing last few years including a triple hundred in domestic cricket. Marcus North is also no mug. He has played for 5 counties, knows England well and is patient. He has also matured in his outlook, especially since he took on the West Australian captaincy. Ponting and Clarke are still as they ever were andHussey will bounce back.

The reason Australia became so good was to pick good young players with the right attitude and then give them confidence by showing faith in them. This is what has been done with the quick bowlers in this side. Time for another big call: Johnson, Siddle and Hilfenhaus will be the nucleus of the team for the next 5 years and all take over 200 test wickets. We do need a spinner though but Hauritz looked like he could walk and talk at the same time in England's first innings and who knows, might take some wickets in the second.

On the keeping side, Haddin still puts down too many chances for mine, but his batting is often sublime. Let's not forget that Gilchrist's keeping wasn't always particularly flash either so, dare I say it, we haven't lost a great deal with Haddin.

England are not behind to the Netherlands here, they are playing a fairly good team.

2. England have also not become useless overnight

After 4 days of the series, I hear talk of 1989 again. You remember the story: an unheralded Australian team batting for days and days and wining the Ashes easily. Well, if we hear much more about that we may as well pack up and go home now because using 29 players and 4 captains gifted the Ashes to Australia back then and total panic would do the same now.

Let's not lose sight of the fact that England have a strong top 6 and a bowling attack with variety. Cook and Strauss still have good records, Collingwood still scored a double hundred in Australia and KP is still, for all his faults, a marvelous batsman. Anderson still swings it both ways at pace and Flintoff will always be the lion of 2005 to me.

At the same time, England need to be a little more realistic about one or two of their team. I don't want to sound blunt but Graeme Swann is not a great bowler. In fact, I think he is substandard. He has taken wickets against fairly weak teams and has an action unsuitable to getting any drift through the air. Let's not be surprised that when he comes up against reasonable opposition that he doesn't go through them like a dose of the proverbial

England don't need major personnel changes. The have the talent.

3. The difference has been a simple one but is difficult to change

The difference between the two teams so far has been attitude, not ability. How many times do I have to listen to English players complaining about the circumstances they find themselves in

"Hopefully the ball won't swing - we didn't get any which was obviously disappointing - so hopefully that continues"

Way to think positive Paul Collingwood.

Then I see an interview with Swann where he was discussing the lack of turn ? What ? Even poor little Nathan was turning it on Day 1. These guys are deluding themselves.

Graeme Swann was prepared to do anything to extract some turn from the Cardiff pitch

Then we move onto the Daddy of them all: KP. Not only did KP tell anyone who was listening that

"it was just unfortunate it hit me on the head",

but he then sat in the stands and whacked himself in the forehead with his hand for the cameras. Kev, a big man would just admit that they played a silly shot. This bloke should be the best batsman in the world but his ego is constantly working against him

It is difficult to blame one person for 5 days worth of sport but that shot was undoubtedly the turning point of the Test. Pieterson should have cruised to a big hundred and England should have got at least 550 on the back of it. Instead, he scored 69 and England were about 120 short of what could have been. Let's hope for their sake, it isn't the turning point of the series.

Meanwhile, what was the fairly maligned Marc North thinking ?

"Regardless of where you play and whatever the conditions, if you get in, make sure you go on and get a hundred, and if you get a hundred, try to get a big hundred"

And that's the difference. Hang your head KP

Ford: Don't panic... don't panic...

Arthur: So this is it. We're gonna die.

Ford: Yeah. We're gonna die.

[pauses]

Ford: No... no! What's this?

[goes over to control panel]

Arthur: What's that?

Ford: What's this...? What's this...?

[flips switch]

Ford: This... is... nothing. Yeah, we're gonna die.

Youth Gone Wild

Since I was born they couldn't hold me down

Another misfit kid, another burned-out town

Never played by the rules I never really cared

My nasty reputation takes me everywhere

I look and see it's not only me

So many others have stood where I stand

We are the young so raise your hands

Day 2 saw a couple of the youngest members of both sides have an opportunity to really make a mark on this series. Neither Phillip Hughes nor Stuart Broad were able to live up to the hype. Let's look at why

Understandably, Phillip Hughes needed a cuddle after facing his first over from the King of 2005, Andrew Flintoff

I am going to make a prediction right here, sitting squarely in the middle of Stanford's Lap, that Phillip Hughes will not be successful in Test cricket long term unless he fundamentally changes his technique. To make sure it is a prediction that will either give me a reputation as a Seer or make me a laughing stock, I also predict that he will not be in the Australian Test team on 10 July, 2010

Don't agree ? Well, ask his opening partner, Simon Katich. He had similar thoughts 18 months ago

For all the discussion, and there has been much discussion, about Hughes getting out to Harmison twice in a warm up game, we are all missing the real problem here: Hughes hasn't got a shot on the leg side. Forget difficulties with the short ball, he is a left hander that can't even turn the ball off his hip. I think this is a one off in the history of international cricket. If there is one thing all left handers can do, it is work the ball off their rump. Instead, Phil basically ignores or fends off anything near his body and tries to jump inside everything else with his Twist and Shout technique ... and here is the second problem: the jumping.

Hughes moves around so much on the crease, trying to give himself room to cut, that he is often in motion, often in the air, when playing his shot. This is death is most cricket but even more so at the top level ... and thus it was when he faced Flintoff: jumping away to try and squirt out a cut, he under edged one through to Prior who took a smart catch (and continues to look good with the gloves today). England were back as was their hero, Flintoff. By the way, what is it about this Flintoff fellow ? He bowled one ball yesterday and the pitch, and the match, looked totally different. I am still a bit in awe of this guy. He is a fantastic bowler.

Sure, Hughes raced to 28 off 30 before lunch but Anderson and Broad bowled the biggest load of tripe possible to him and fed his cut shot. This was such a disgraceful bowling display that when SBS Australia commentator Rodney Hogg was asked how he would bowl to Hughes he replied,

"Watching Hughes jump around all over the place, I couldn't help wondering how Andy Roberts or Dennis Lillee would bowl to him ... and it wouldn't be half trackers outside off stump"

No Hoggy, it most certainly would not have been

Bowlers all over the world are now going to bowl straight at Phillip from now on and he is going to struggle to get one off the square, mark my words

For reasons Stuart Broad could not explain, by the end of Day two Ponting and Katich were seeing them very well indeed

Stuart Broad was always going to be a bowler. Being the son of perpetually cranky international opening batsman Chris Broad, it appears as though every time a young Stuart asked Dad to play cricket with him, he got a reply along the lines of

"Sure, what don't I bat and you can have a go when you get me out"

Whereupon Stuart would begin another day of 75 overs straight, interspersed with trips next door to fetch the ball off the roof of the neighbours conservatory. When he was finished, he would be sat down and told stories about Dad's exploits in 1986 / 87 (which frankly still bring me very close to tears. Why could we never get him out ?!)

Clearly, he is a very talented cricketer. His batting technique is wonderful (and in actuality he was about to flourish as a teenage opening batsman before growing a foot in half a year and realising his bowling was quite effective) and his height gives him the occasional unplayable delivery. However ...

He is not an opening bowler.

He doesn't do enough with the ball to warrant the new cherry and he is far too inconsistent. His bowling to Hughes before lunch yesterday was a great example. At a time when England needed precision and pressure, he provided Hughes the opportunity to exercise all of his two shots (the cut and the back foot cover punch). Why would England not open with Flintoff ? It seems crazy.

In short, Broad isn't ready to carry the England attack. Strauss needs to use him as an effective backup bowler and a number 8 batsman that can get handy runs and let Broad learn his game. He will get there, he is now bowling at almost 150 km/h at times and has the best back foot cover drive since Sobers according to Sir Geoff Boycott (although not everyone agrees). Just give him a few years to get ready, otherwise England risk ruining a great prospect.

On with Day 3 !

Quick highlights so far

• Ponting: Wonderful with the bat, still slightly crap as a captain
• Katich: Determined and deserving
• Hussey: On a mission to make me look silly
• Swann: Poor
• Monty: On the way back. Come on Monty !
• Flintoff: Still an enormous presence
• Prior: Looking great

They call us problem child

We spend our lives on trial

We walk an endless mile

We are the youth gone wild

We stand and we won't fall

We're the one and one for all

The writing's on the wall

We are the youth gone wild

We are the youth gone wild

Youth Gone Wild, Skid Row, 1989