Well, the first Test at Cardiff finished in a nail biting, and at times cantankerous, draw. Just when Australia looked like finishing England off and taking a 1-0 lead in the best of five series, Ricky decided to give James Anderson and Monty Panesar an early Christmas present by bowling Marcus North. Oh Ricky, will you never learn ? Thommo just might have had a point about your captaincy after all mightn't he ? Surely we should have bowled Hilfenhaus who had been the pick of our bowlers all Test.
Ricky Ponting ponders what to get England's tailenders for Christmas at the end of the Second Test at Lords
This match showed that whilst Australia are no longer the team they once were, they are still strong and still capable of winning the series. England need to make sure they don't let the joy of saving the match distract them from the fact that they were mauled in this game. Ignoring that will only paper over the distinctly widening cracks in the facade of Strauss's men and leave the root cause untreated. To get ready to rumble at Lords, England need to
1. Remove whatever distractions Kevin Pieterson has in his life currently that have caused his brain to temporarily leave his body. His shot in the first innings was awful but his leave in the second innings spoke of a man whose mind was on other things
2. Get rid of Swann. Cheap wickets against weak opposition simply inflated his potential
3. Give Monty some confidence. He is the best spinner in England but needs to know he is loved so that he can perform his best
4. Concentrate, concentrate, concentrate: The shots played by Cook, Bopara, Strauss, Prior and of coursePieterson, in the second innings were all awful, all either playing across the line on a low pitch or playing at balls that should be been left or defended or well, leaving straight ones
5. Find a new ball partner for Anderson. If it needs to be Broad because Flintoff is still slightly injured, then agree that every half tracker bowled in the second test will require Stuart to write a 1000 word essay on one of his Dad's innings from the 1986 Australian tour
6. Resist the urge to go back to Harmison. This is the man who once professed to preferring to watch football than playing cricket for his country. Let's just accept that he is a massive talent, massively wasted. Its a shame but its the reality. We have Symonds, you have Steve. We all need to move on
7. Man up for goodness sake ! Shaking hands with your bowling colleagues when they have 100 scored from them is not funny, it is embarrassing and woeful body language. Man up boys, look like you care !
From an Australian point of view, not much needs to be done. I suggest the following tune up items
1. Completely renovate the technique of Hughes in the 3 days before the Lords Test. Let's lead with hypnosis and electro shock therapy before moving onto tieing a rope to his back foot before he bats and attaching it to something stationary (this was done to me at around age 13 by my batting coach Mr Madden. Whilst somewhat humiliating and like electro shock therapy in many ways, it works wonderfully well in teaching balance as well as how to strap an injured ankle)
2. Ensure Mitchell Johnson bowls 30 overs a day in the days before the 2nd Test to warm up. Ensure Troy Colley takes the advice of Bryce Thompson and removes Mitchell's ring finger from under the ball at the moment of release, thereby unscrambling the seam
3. Feed Peter Siddle nothing but raw meat and lock him in a room watching endless re-runs of Botham's 81 Ashes and Chris Broad's batting show case during 86/87. Fire up Pete !
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Before the Test I made a few big calls on what I was certain would occur. Let's see how I fared
I said: Australia can't play spin, especially left arm finger spinners
What happened: England's two spinners took a grand total of 1 wicket between them
Status of Big Call: Shaky at best. Swann looked barely a first class bowler, let alone Test quality. Monty looked below his best
I said: Nathan Hauritz was less than adequate as a Test bowler (I can't remember the exact words)
What happened: Nathan took the same number of wickets as the entire England team (6)
Status of Big Call: Still correct, first Test form is a notoriously poor indicator of performance over an entire series
I said: Hussey would be the form Australian batsman this series
What happened: Score three in a monstrous batting display from Australia
Status of Big Call: Appears determined to embarrass me
I said: Johnson would be first picked and would run through the English attack , whilst scoring hundreds with the bat
What happened: Umm, pretty poor bowling from Johnson most of the time and he didn't get a bat
Status of Big Call: Give him a break, he just needs to get warmed up.
I said: Siddle would be the pick of the Australian bowlers
What happened: Was very good at times, quite meek at others. Nice throat ball to Bopara
Status of Big Call: Seriously under question
I said: Strauss would lead from the front and make runs
What happened: Never looked comfortable with the bat, looked a little at sea with the captaincy
Status of Big Call: Might be time to back away from this one
I said: Anderson will swing it both ways at pace and confound the Australian batsmen
What happened: Australia batted for 3 days, scored 4 hundreds and an 83. He did swing it both ways though
Status of Big Call: Still on the cards but admittedly has yet to materialise
Plenty of time for the Big Calls to come good !
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Aside from the cricket itself, one of the strangest things about the first Test was the behaviour of Ian Botham in the Sky commentary box. I hadn't seen much of Ian since he managed to slip under the gaze of Royal handlers and receive a Knighthood but was absolutely intrigued to learn that he happily let all of his commentary colleagues, some of whom were ex-team mates and even captained the Beefsta, call him Sir Ian at all times. All except Michael Holding who, for reasons known only to Ian and Michael, was allowed to call him Beefy.
Ian, sorry, Sir Ian, is an interesting fellow to say the very, very least. On one hand he has tried his hand at most extra curricular activities from drugs, to fighting Australian ex-Captains to wenching, to well, just about everything you can think of. It seems that the only thing he missed out on was text message based scandal but I am sure that Warnie can help him out when they meet up for the second Test. On the other hand he is a potential Tory MP and a great fan of ex-Tory leader William Hague. Ian is a classic Game of Two Halves.
Is it just me, and I freely admit that it may be, or does sitting there smiling smugly whilst people that you have known for 35 years call you "Sir", smack of the grossest pomposity ? Ian, surely the years have mellowed you, surely you are now a self confident and happy individual ? Surely ? Possibly ? Maybe ?
Kath Botham made the Palace Guards promise to make sure Sir Ian didn't have an opportunity to spend any alone time with the Queen post Knighthood
STOP PRESS: ANDREW FLINTOFF HAS RETIRED FROM TEST CRICKET. Amazing. He will play out the Ashes and then concentrate on one day matches and the devil's game, 20 20. So long Freddie and thanks for all the bruises
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