Enough about me, let's talk about you for a while

Sensing my melancholy, my English father in law showed some support for the Australian team prior to our trip to the upcoming Sydney Test

And so the Ashes are decided for another couple of years.

As I predicted England would win this series 2-1 quite a while ago, I have had a long time to get ready for the pain. Even so, I admit to feeling a pang of depression when I read the words "....AND ENGLAND HAVE RETAINED THE ASHES" upon the dismissal of Ben Hilfenhaus. Reading the last rites on my mobile phone whilst exploring Dangar Island with my in-laws and family provided some distraction, but it was all I could do to stop myself tearing down some of the multi-coloured hand-knitted woollen scarves that the island dwelling aged hippies had wrapped around each of the roughly 10 street signs on the island in an attempt to make myself feel a little better. Thankfully, the thought of my in-laws reporting back on the crazed Australian son-in-law's run in with a posse of 75 year old hippies made me see sense and I maintained a silent, brooding rage instead, stopping occasionally to kick a small yappy dog when the opportunity occasionally arose.

For all of our posturing before this series, it might be worth remembering that England have now won three of the last four Ashes contests. If they are the 4th best Test team in the world at the moment then either the top three are very, very good indeed or there is a huge amount of daylight between 4th and Australians in 5th.

English wicketkeeper Matt Prior takes the catch that almost launched a hippie posse attack

I have come to the conclusion that some of my darker moments of angst and anger about the Australian performance may, at times, come across as though I believe that the only reason we have lost is our own incompetence. This is not true, I think England are a very good team. So, in the spirit of being outplayed rather than simply under-performing, I thought it might be useful to touch on the reasons England won.

How did England beat us? Let me count the ways.

Management

England arrived weeks early and played three serious matches and played them to win. We recovered from a 2 Test series, plus a few meaningless one dayers, against India in India in conditions about as far removed from Australian as possible.

Whilst England plotted well and selected an excellent team for Australian conditions, including a very tall bowling line up, we recovered from injuries to just about everyone. We then sacked our number 1 spinner based on two poor matches against India (which every foreign spinner to play there has also experienced), decided our best bowler was unfit for the first Test and picked Michael Clarke despite a back injury that rendered him almost unable to walk.

In short, England were prepared and we were in disarray. Almost all of these things were choices, things within each team's control. This wasn't luck, it was just good work from England and bad work from us. Their preparation was so good in fact that they didn't miss a beat with the loss of two first choice bowlers. I have a suspicion that England could have lost all four front line bowlers and still beaten us with four replacements that performed when called upon.

In addition to the general management of the team, the specialist coaching of the English team produced great results. Their bowlers were a cut above ours and built pressure. They also got the ball to swing far more than us. This isn't black magic, it is just teachable technique. Is Troy Cooley still our bowling coach? If so, I here and now declare him a total myth. David Saker did a great job for the English, we got one good innings out of Mitchell Johnson and one or two good bowling performances from others and that is about it.

Speaking of coaches, the sooner we get rid of Justin Langer as our batting coach, the better. Graeme Gooch has done an excellent job with the English team. They seem to have focused on concentration, shot selection and making the bowlers bowl to them. No catches in the slips to wide half volleys off Johnson for them. Meanwhile, Langer seems to have concentrated on overly emotional man love. From misdirected rubbish such as wanting Philip Hughes to "dance" when he received short stuff from the English (I thought not missing straight ones or flashing at wide ones might have been better advice) to the simply bizarre like

"Like yin and yang, black and white, love and hate, there are always two sides to every story.

As England walked their lap of honour I put my arm around my besieged captain and friend Ricky Ponting and reminded him that winning is so much more fun than losing"

Umm, thanks Justin, insightful. I hoped you mentioned the value of throwing out the cream cakes after poor batting displays at some point also.

Anyway, Gooch: fantastic coach. Langer: figure of fun

Leadership

This one is simple. On the field, England looked at ease with each other and happy. They also rarely dropped their heads and recovered well from the Perth defeat. This can only be down to the leadership team of Strauss and Flower. I long said Strauss should be captain, before the KP affair in fact. He holds his place in the team easily as a batsman alone and is a calm figure, with enough ego to be successful but not enough to render him unable to lead effectively.

As for Flower: Look, anyone who takes his life into his hands by protesting against his own government is made of strong stuff. Running a tour to Australia probably seems easing compared to some of the the things that came earlier in his life. He seemed organised and in control throughout.

In contrast, Ponting argued with umpires, struggled with the bat and clearly had lost control of both the team and its morale a number of times. Our coach, Tim Neilson, well, I dunno. Did anyone see him? Did he do anything? He seems like the sort of bloke that hung out against the wall during his High School dance whilst the cool kids swept in and whisked the ladies away into the night.

Partnerships

In both batting and bowling England worked in partnerships and created pressure. Again, this isn't magic, it is practise and application. This showed a little bit of mental fragility on our part and we cracked both when fielding and when batting.

Fielding

This deserves a special mention. For the first time since, well, ever, England out-fielded and out caught the Australians. Both wicket-keepers were surprisingly good, and were probably even gloves wise, but England's fielding, and catching in particular, far and away outshone the Australians. I don't know who the fielding coach for England is but they have done a wonderful job to move them from the days when England blamed "too much blue sky" for dropping catches (Brisbane, 2002 / 2003 if memory serves) to the display in this series.

Maybe Australia might want to move away from a fielding coach who has never caught a ball without a glove. I am sure a baseball bloke was useful 10 years ago in helping us improve our throwing but surely, surely, surely, we need someone who can help us get our catching levels up to scratch again. Bob Simpson hit about 85,000 balls into the air and got us up to scratch in the 80s through sheer hard work. Perhaps we employ an excellent catcher like Mark Taylor to do the same from 2011 onwards.

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There are no doubt many more reasons that could be nominated but they are my main ones. England outplayed Australia in all facets of the game and must be congratulated. Well done to them.

The Graeme Swann lead English Haka did the trick on the morning of the 4th day of the Melbourne Test match

As for Sydney, well at least my pick, Usman Khawaja, gets a go in the 5th Test. This guy is class, lets just make sure we set him up to succeed. He could be the beginning of our resurgence if we manage him correctly.

Dark clouds gather over Australian cricket

Well, no sooner had we started thinking about what to do with all of that left over turkey (turkey curry at our house with 4 finely chopped home ground chillies in the men's portion) did normal service resume. Australia were bowled out for a pitiful 98 and England are firmly in control at 0/157.

England bowled tightly and built pressure but we were woeful in both our commitment and our shot selection. Philip Hughes again looked lost at this level and needs to go. Whilst I still believe in investing in Steven Smith, we need to take a little bit more care of him than throwing him to the wolves at number 6 in a crucial Ashes Test. He is not a number 6 right now, may never be, and if we want him to be winning games for us in a few years then we need to make sure we haven't crushed his confidence before that day comes.

Ponting is fast becoming a worry of monumental proportions. Remember, the end comes very quickly at this level. When people lose than one or two percent that is needed to perform well for a long period of time at Test level, it is incredibly hard to find anything like your best ever again. Ricky is 36 now, we have to accept that he isn't going to be able to win match after match for us ever again. We might need to consider moving on from the man with wig envy. Either he needs to give up the captaincy or the number 3 spot or both but you can't lose three Ashes series, average 30 or so for 12 months and expect to just carry on like nothing has changed. You wouldn't in any other line of work, you shouldn't in big time cricket either.

But who to give up the captaincy to? Judging by this cricinfo article, not Michael Clarke who is the quintessential metro girlyman with no opinion other than those drummed into him by media training.

"What can you do?", opined team motivator in waiting, Clarke. I can see the team lining up to do his bidding now.

"We had to work hard and be disciplined with our shot selection, we had to leave the ball well and stick to our plans" followed on Michael.

Really, he could have just said "Batted sh*t, needed to do better". This bloody "stick to our plans" garbage has to stop. It is the refuge for kids that stopped going to school at 13 to concentrate on professional sport, never formed thoughts of their own and feel smart by sprouting a bit of physcobabble they learnt at the University of Cricket Academy. Again, "batted sh*t" just feels more honest and basically says the same thing anyway.

Mike doesn't stop there of course, he has loads more to give such as:

"We weren't at our best today"

Umm, thanks Mikey, I feel much more optimistic about the future. Of course he takes full responsibility by making clear that:

"We certainly have no excuses", before in the very next sentence going through the excuse for our demise: the pitch

"As we've seen, when the sun came out, it's a really nice wicket to bat on"

Arh yes, the England batting had nothing to do with their precise shot selection, sensible batting, good form and relatively poor bowling by us, it was all the pitch; only the first 3 hours of the same pitch of course, as soon as it got 5 minutes of sun on it, it went from minefield to road. Just a bit of bad luck I guess Michael.

Border would have said: "I am sick of being the only bloke trying. Either they perform in the next innings or they are all out"

Taylor would have said: "Full credit to England, they outplayed us today. There are 4 days left and I would like to think we had a chance of making a comeback later in the match"

Steve Waugh would have said: "Terrible display. We will bowl them out quickly in the morning, set them a target and have a go at them on the last day"

In his audition for leader of Australian sport, Clarke trotted out some memorised clichés and offered some limp excuses about the pitch.

As for England, well Perth was a blip and they again showed us that they are far more disciplined and much better lead and prepared than us. They are probably just better than us at the moment as well.

Michael Clarke rushed off the ground once dismissed to re-read his Cricket Australia book of meaningless clichés

As I let the full impact of the day settle in with me, I started to remember some of the gutsy stuff of Australian cricketers of the past.

I think of Alan Border and Bob Simpson dragging us back from embarrassment by the scruff of the neck, never wavering in their commitment despite the setbacks.

I remember Mark Taylor standing in quiet dignity as Richie Richardson said that the team that had just beaten the West Indies at home, and become probably the best team in the world, in 1995 was the "worst Australian team" he had ever played against in the presentation formalities of the 4th and last Test in the series, and then giving a positive, pleasant victor's speech anyway. I think of Tubby declaring with his personal score on 334 not out, even with, at the time, the best Test score ever by an Australian, to push for the victory for the team.

I still can see Merv Hughes wiping tears out of his eyes after being hit literally everywhere by the West Indies quick bowlers in 1988 / 89, but never taking a backward step, never giving his wicket away easily on his way to 72.

And, despite his issues with autograph giving, I can remember Steve Waugh scampering a 150th run, about 10 days after he tore his calf and then had physio 24 hours a day to be fit. I see Steve smashing a last ball of the day boundary to bring up his hundred, never for once doubting that he would finish the day with a ton.

I cast my mind back to dozens of world class international players who were born Australian at the wrong time, but never gave up their dream of playing for their country and who continued to churn out the results at first class level, year after year, often long past the time when they were going to finally, finally be given a baggy green. They kept going anyway, just in case.

I recall Rick McCosker batting with a broken jaw in Centenary Test and hooking bouncers from Bob Willis.

I remember Thommo and Border taking us to within a whisker of a famous victory against England, never once ceasing to strive for the win. I remember Brett Lee and Warnie, and then Michael Kasprowicz, doing the same in 2005.

I think of Dean Jones stroking his way to a double century in India, being pushed by Allan Border to keep going so hard that he lost control of his bladder and bowels, vomited many times and ended up in hospital on a life saving drip. He was never physically the same again after that and he did it because he had pride in his team, cared about his personal performance and because his captain told him to.

And then I think of the dedication shown today. 98 all out against some good, controlled bowling by England but certainly nothing unplayable. Some of these people don't deserve the cap. They are over-rated, pampered, metro girlymen who are more interested in image than application. We are a people who are proud of their physicality and of their ability to overcome. We love being the little engine that could. We care less about how well one does, than how hard one tries when doing it.

Today the Australian cricket team failed both at the outcome and at the trying hard. It is not so much the 98 but the weakness of the way in which we got there. They dishonour those that have come before them and those that will replace them. Where to next is tomorrow's riddle. Tonight's is simply how to salvage a tiny bit of dignity from the next 4 days.

As he was dismissed, the boy that looked sad simply looked at a loss; Elmer Fudd like, some would say. It might be time to exit with a little grace while there is still time Ricky

Sydney 2003

When Stewart suggested that we wrote some retro blog entries my first instinct was to get onto cricinfo.com and check out the score card of the 2003 test match against England.  Then I sat back and thought to myself that this blog should be purely driven by my memories of that test.  The stand out moments that if I was stood next to you in a pub shouting rather to loudly into your ear after a few beers these are the moments that I'd be going on about.  Not driven by a comprehensive review of the stats, not a day to day account of the test match but a summary of stand out moments.  Things that are popping into my mind as I type on the early hours of Christmas morning while the house around me sleeps.  There's no timeline here or order.  It's my drunken conversation translated into text. The best bits.

Gilchrist

Gilchrist was an awesome player, we all know that.  But on one of days as he hurtled towards another century against England(ahhhhhhhh) we were sat side on to wicket when he hit a pull shot and the ball crashed into the advertising hoarding in front of us.  Two things that stand out was the noise of the bat hitting the ball and speed at which it reached the fence.  It was like the crack of a rifle going off.  It literally took my breath away.  I sat in shock as my brain struggled to process the power of that shout.  I marvelled at Gilchrist nonchalance, the roar of the Australian crowd, the sheer quality of the timing.  In one shot I realised that all that was said about Gilchrist was true.  He was world class.  He was awesome.  He was a threat.

Radio

After crashing some one's apartment at the harbour on New Year's eve Stewart was becoming agitated by the fact that we did not have a radio.  If we were all going to the test then we all had to listen to Test Match commentary.  Stewart had a radio, we didn't.  That wasn't good enough.  On New Years Day even as our heads were still cloudy from the previous night there was an impetuous to get into Sydney to get a radio.  We found a retailer, the name escapes me that was open and we bought a fairly rudimentary radio that would do the job.  Stewart relaxed, I relaxed, we were prepared.  D-day the next day.

Lee

In what was a fairly dismal series for England we had one bright light and that was the batting of Michael Vaughan.  Even the great mind manipulator that was Shane Warne conceded that the man had no weakness and that all the Australians could do was aim for off stump.  Vaughan was imperious in that series.  Steve Waugh described his performance with the bat as one of the all time great Ashes performances.  Who am I to disagree with Sir Steve of Waugh?

In the first innings however Brett Lee bowled a spell of such venom, such pace, such menace that in my minds eye I can see it now.  Bowling at 150 kph he swung the new ball and made Vaughan grope outside off stump like a fumbling teenager in the dark with his first girlfriend.  After beating the batting consistently with the swing ball, Lee finally induced the edge and England's pillar of strength returned to the pavilion cowed by this great athlete.  One of the best five over bursts I've ever seen.

Tommo

On the 4th day I spotted Jeff Thomson queuing for some coffee behind the old pavilion at the SCG.  Here was the man that struck fear into the hearts of the English batsman and to be honest totally intimidated me.  Here was a bona fide Australian legend who had a proven track record of disliking Poms and whose autograph I was desperate to get.  The obvious option here was to deploy my good looking wife.  I though Tommo would be a sucker for a good looking English girl so I sent her in to get Tommo's autograph.  Sure enough while he waited for his coffee he obliged.  Good man, well done Lou.

Members Only

Stewart is a member at the MCG and as such he and guests can get seats in the members area.  You have to queue early then you literally sprint in past the old boys with the walking frames up the stairs.  You find a seat then sign your name on a sticker that is allocated to your seat.  The rules are you can leave you seat for an hour and by then another member can quite rightfully take it.  At lunch on the fourth day Stewart's rather excellent and adorable wife Vicky decided that pace of test cricket was too much for her and decided to go shopping during the lunch interval.

'If you're not back in an hour then I'll have to give your seat up' said Stewart.

Vicky flashed Stewart a smile that only wives can to their husbands when they know they are joking and she walked off.

We watched her descend the steps with an amazing elegance and before she disappeared from view threw us a casual wave as she tossed her hair our of her eyes.

'Seriously, if she's not back in an hour and somebody wants to sit there I'll have to give her seat away'  said Stewart.

I nodded my approval.

'Is he serious?' said Lou, my wife.

'Oh yes' I said.

Lingering

and Lou not really wanting to leave the SCG.  It was the end of the dream and as the sun lowered over Sydney the inevitable move to the exits was painful and I wanted to linger for hours if not days.  It was a wrench to leave this hallowed ground, the history and the occasion and as we sauntered out I knew it would be a long time before I returned and despite the victory by England I grieved as we walked out onto the sidewalk.

Merry Christmas everyone, here's looking forward to the boxing day test.

Ashes flashback - Edgbaston, 1997 and Steve Waugh the program seller

In the lead up to the 4th Test in this year's Ashes series, we thought it might be interesting if we relived watching an Ashes Test on opposition soil. I thought I would share a story I have told once or twice over the years: the day Steve Waugh swore at me.

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In early 1997, I decided that I would try and watch a Test in England as part of that year's Ashes. Now unfortunately, I was in the middle of my first year of full time work and was fairly social at that stage so I wasn't putting an enormous amount of money away for my trip. I think I actually started saving with only a few months to go so whilst I had enough money for the airfare and the tickets, I didn't have a great deal else. I made the decision that it was better to go and be hungry than not, so for the entire 4 weeks I ate a maximum of two meals a day, and often only one. That, combined with all the walking I did, meant I lost something close to 10kg in the time I was away. When I got back, a friend at work told me that I looked like the singer of Talking Heads, David Byrne, who often used to wear massively oversized suits. Being a little bit of a fan, especially of Little Creatures, I took it as a compliment but I think he may have meant it a little differently.

Anyway, all that was in the future as I first needed to buy the tickets. In the mid 90s, this was much more difficult than it might be today. From memory, I rang the Sydney Cricket Ground, of which I had just become a member, and asked how I could do it. They gave me a UK phone number which I called and the person I spoke to gave me the dates of each Test and the phone number of each Test venue. I picked the 1st Test at Edgbaston in simply because it fitted in best with my schedule. I then called the phone number of Edgbaston and the lady there faxed me a list of ticket prices for each different part of the ground. I remember faxing her back asking her to mark where the sun rose and set so that I can factor that into my seat picking. Unbelievably, in retrospect, she actually did this and after several more faxes back and forth, I had tickets for each day (I think maybe I could only buy tickets to the first 4 days just in case it didn't last the distance). I was ready; no money to eat but ready.

Just before I left, something happened which changed the course of my life and some say, changed the course of cricket history itself. A work colleague, Matty "The Bear" Ford, joked that I should try and get Steve Waugh to give me an autograph which included his middle name of "Rodney".

As a quick aside, Matt was the only man I ever saw bat through the innings at work. One evening, he went to the pub straight after work, drank all night and, with no sleep, came back into work the next morning at 8:30am, straight from the pub wearing the same clothes and worked all the way through the next day. Not many Test openers could bat through an innings as tough as this one. By about 4pm on the second day, Matt was stating that he was in the middle of "the worst day of his life" but he got through it and was no doubt much the better for it.

Anyway, as I am sure everyone knows, Steve Waugh's middle name was "Roger" and not "Rodney" but no matter how much I argued, Matt would not agree. To show him how right I was, I agreed to find Steve, get his autograph and have him include "Roger" in it. Matt agreed also and we wagered a case of beer on the outcome. Despite not having any idea how I would ever meet Steve, I felt the bet was mine and hastened to the airport to catch my flight. I was excited. Despite being in my early twenties, I still had a Steve Waugh poster on my wall and he was a firm hero of mine. The fateful die was cast.

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I arrived in London, caught a train to Birmingham and spent 2 or 3 hours wondering around trying to find a youth hostel. Finally, I happened upon what looked like a block of flats with a "For Rent" sign, in a very friendly area of town where people kept greeting me on the street with a smile and a "How are you?". They all kept asking me whether I was looking for something. My explanation of "somewhere to stay" seemed to cause confusion. I booked myself a bedsit for 8 days (it had a basin and a shower but no windows and the toilet was downstairs in the hall). I was very happy to have found somewhere so good and cheap. When I eventually left, the taxi driver told me that I was actually staying in a notorious red light area and all the people enquiring as to my well being on the street were actually pimps and prostitutes touting for business. The room I was staying in could apparently be rented for much shorter stays than my 8 days.

I arrived with 2 full days to fill before the Test started. So the very next day I made my way down to the ground to try and take in some of the team's training. Now, this wasn't as easy as it sounds because being absolutely determined to stick to my budget, I wouldn't pay for the bus so had a walk for a bit over an hour each way. One day I decided to head into Birmingham on the way home from the ground and made the entire walk-a-thon a 3 hour round trip. Again, when I left I actually stopped a bus and ask how much it was. It turned out it was something like 40 pence. Sometimes a small investment may reap large returns !

Edgbaston turned out to be both a wonderful Test match and the end of an innocence

When I finally reached the ground, I was surprised at how easily I walked into the members area and straight up to the nets where the Australian team was practising. I remember feeling that the ground was very small; much smaller than the SCG or MCG but it was extremely exciting none the less. I was about to watch an Ashes Test in England, the fulfilment of a lifetime dream. What shocked me though was the behaviour of the team I had come to support.

First I found Mark Waugh bowling in the nets to Brendon Julian. Now, these days Mark and Brendon commentate the cricket on Foxtel and appear good buddies but on this day they were anything but. Mark followed up each one of his gentle offspinners with lines like

"You're f*cking sh*t"

and

"You can't hit sh*t"

In the end, Brendon had to gesture at the 30 or so ten years olds that were standing behind the nets open mouthed and ask Mark to tone down the language a bit.

In another net, Michael Slater was facing some local net bowlers. One quick bowler, who looked like a heavy weight boxer, bowled one too many bouncers and Slater advanced on him and, in full batting gear, trying to fight him. Someone saw sense because Slater was escorted back to the batting crease where he batted on, albeit muttering darkly to himself for the rest of the session.

I then went and sat in the member's stand for a while and watched Ian Healy signing autographs. Well, he might have been signing anything actually because Ian never even looked at what he was writing on, let alone the people asking for his autograph. He stood facing some bloke he was talking to and bits of paper and pens were shoved over his left shoulder. He signed then and handed them back over his shoulder without ever turning around. He finished and about 12 seconds later an English father come over with his son and asked Ian for an autograph. Ian launched into him, saying

"I can't believe this. You have watched me sign loads of autographs and now when I am finished, you come over and want one ? Well, you can't have one. What I suggest you do is go out behind the pavilion and when we leave for the day, if I see you, I might give you an autograph then. Now go"

Heals then stormed off into the change rooms. Nice.

Next, Mark Waugh appeared again after a bit of pre-game soccer on the oval. He threw his arms up in the air and loudly declared,

"I'm having an autograph signing free day today"

Undeterred, two Australian guys stood in front of him in the aisle and asked for an autograph. Hardly missing a beat, Mark again yelled out

"I'm having an autograph signing free day today"

He then barged through these two fans with his shoulder and disappeared into the dressing rooms. My temperature had been rising through all of this. All I could think of was how hungry I was, how I had no money in the bank any more because I wanted to see these guys play cricket in England and how incredibly awful they were. But then my spirits soared: I was Steven Roger Waugh walking back form the oval and beginning to walk up the steps in my direction. My hero was on his way. Now was my chance.

I stood in the aisle in front of him, a bit side on to repel any shoulder charges, after watching his brother's work and waited. A second later he was with me and my dream was realised.

"Hi Steve", I began, "could I have your autograph please?"

Steve couldn't be bothered making eye contact with me and gave me a look as though I was a bit of hair he found in his soup.

"Urgahugamurmur" Steve said

"Um, pardon me Steve?" I replied, smiling.

"Wyzzmsrtmfs pen" said Steve, slightly crankier than before, although I am not sure to this day why exactly.

"Pardon Steve" I said, a bit cranky myself now.

"Pen, gotta f*ckin pen?" drawled the iconic one.

"Oh, a pen. Sorry about that, my mistake. Of course, a pen. Here you go" and I handed him a four colour pen, one of the ones where you need to select which colour you need at the top by pushing either blue, black, red or green.

The Australian cricket team must live a very sheltered life because Steve didn't think it was part of the implied contract we now had between us to actually click the pen into life, so he started writing with only the plastic shell and no biro. He did this for a second or two and then said:

"Wisamyhtssrata pen!" and, for the first time looked at me.

I was a bit dumbfounded at this point, so I just stared into the Australian cricket legend's eyes for what seemed like, well, long enough for steam to start coming out of his ears. Finally a I figured out his problem.

"Aha, sorry about that, my mistake again. You forgot to click one of the colours on. Let me do it for you" and I reached out, took the pen out of his hand, clicked on a colour and handed it back to him.

He grunted and started writing .... with the green. Oh my goodness, I had selected green. No one selects green. It never works. I sensed problems.

Steve started writing in the pad and quickly noticed that no ink was coming out. This made Steve angry. Steve big angry. Angry enough to rub the pen so hard into the paper, in an attempt to get it to write, that he tore a hole through the page and several pages after it.

"Roostafurgen pen" he shouted, holding it up to me.

Oh goodness, that green. I snatched it out of his hand, selected red instead and wrote on the page until it worked. I handed it back to the future Australian cricket captain and said:

"There you go, all fixed".

By now, Steve just wanted to get out of there. He quickly signed his autograph, shoved the pen and pad into my stomach and, without any eye contact, started trying to walk past me. The combination of anger and a strong desire to win my case of beer gave me courage and I stood my ground and said:

"Um, just a minute please. I would like you to do another one"

I am not sure many people had challenged Steve in the previous 15 years or so and he was so surprised he stopped in his tracks

"and this time .... I want you to include your middle name", I added.

Now, this got me some eye contact. OK, eye contact through a Steve Waugh frown and a haze of disgust, but a bit of eye contact none the less.

"Well you see", I explained, "the thing is I have this bet with Matty the Bear that your middle name is Roger. Now I know it's Roger, and everyone knows its Roger, but Matt thinks it is Rodney and if I get your autograph with your middle name, I win a case of beer"

Steve didn't take long to reply. He had probably been working his reply up since his issues with the green pen. He whispered:

"If you want to know what my middle name is, go buy a program mate"

Then he looked me dead in the eyes, the man Australian has just about cannonised, and finished with

"Go buy a f*cking program"

And with that, he took a leaf out of his twin's playbook and he barged through me, pushing me aside and almost ran up into the dressing room. I had my autograph but a broken heart to go with it. My idol was a bounder.

Steve Waugh strongly advised me to purchase a program before the 1st Test of the 1997 campaign

I spent the rest of the day in a bit of a haze. My hero had sworn at me, refused to make eye contact with me and then knocked me aside. I just couldn't stop thinking about how I had spent all that money to come and watch the guys play and then found them to be thoroughly disgraceful. I felt silly. Later, when I returned home, I threw my Steve Waugh poster in the bin and didn't watch much cricket for a year or so. To this day, I have never forgotten the incident. Call me a cricket tragic but it was the end of my innocence. Never meet your heros, they disappoint you. Just because someone is good at sport, it doesn't make them a good bloke. Often in fact, it almost guarantees the opposite.

The next day, I went to the England training session and they were awfully polite; a massive contrast. The next day the Test commenced. I sat in a different part of the ground each day and silently, secretly, booed Steve Waugh.

*****************

The 1st Test in 1997 itself was excellent. Although we lost, it had so much: a total Australian collapse on day one, Tubby Taylor's comeback hundred and a Greg Blewett century, some English hundreds, an English grandfather who kept elbowing me in the ribs as we were tumbling to defeat on the final afternoon and, of course, meeting the excellent Steve Parkin and, if memory serves, three of his very hospitable friends who escorted me to the pub after Day 3 and allowed me to talk much cricket related rubbish with them for an extended period of time.

Cricket brings people together like almost no other sport and Steve and his friends were a great example of this. The only thing we did was sit next to each other and swap the occasional comment throughout the day. That was enough to go to the pub together and, in turn, that was enough to stay in contact with Steve. Cricket supporters almost never feel the need to fight or move much further along than good natured baiting. England / Australia clashes allow old friends to get reacquainted and new friends to meet. Often, these friendships last a very long time. I am happy to say that Steve, almost 14 years later, posts the odd comment on this blog and it all makes me very happy indeed.

Following on in that vein, the very first words my fellow blogger Dave said to me upon being introduced at work in Wakefield, Yorkshire during October 1998 and hearing my accent were:

"You don't follow cricket do you Stewart?"

The rest, as they say, is history. Many years of great friendship has followed and I have our mutual interest in cricket to thank for getting it all started. Despite being on the other side of the world and seeing each other seldom, Dave is one of my truly strongest friends. We can support our own countries yet still celebrate the other's success. I am absolutely convinced that this builds empathy and ultimately makes us better people, as well as further strengthens the bonds of friendship. You never realise how much of a friend you have until you are despondent about the day's play for your country and your mate sends you a text to pep you up, despite them rejoicing quietly at the same time.

So, Steven Waugh, despite your request for me to buy a program devastating me and causing a year long hissy fit on my part, the game you did so much for has in actuality done so much for me also. Therefore, I salute you, and your lack of eye contact and ability to click a pen colour on. So much so in fact, that when I watched you score your last ball of the day hundred against England in January 2003 at the SCG with Dave, and his lovely wife Lou, that I cheered like a 15 year old kid. All was forgiven. The benefits of the international cricket fellowship far, far, far outweighed the negatives.

For this, I thank you.

But gee wizz man, you could have added your middle name.

No middle name, but an autograph none the less. Note tear in page at top right

The series is back on

Well, I must admit that I didn't see that coming. After getting hammered for most of the past 2 Tests, Australia has thumped England to the tune of 267 runs. One all with two to play. What an exciting finish we have now.

The difference was of course the bowling. Australia built some pressure, bowled in partnerships and the guy I always knew would come good, the man with the roaring king of the jungle, lion tattoo, Mitchell Johnson turned in what Ponting has described as an "all time great spell". That might be a bit much, but his bowling in the first English innings was absolutely top class. He really can be that bowler, just not very often. It will be absolutely fascinating to see what he does for the rest of the series now. Goodness only knows why we didn't send him to the nets, I don't know, possibly before this bloody series started. Horrendous management of a bloke that clearly needs as much management as Steve Harmison (for about the same number of outstanding days worth of Test bowling it must be said). If we end up regaining the Ashes, it will be despite the support of Cricket Australia, not because of it.

It will be interesting to see what happens if Ponting succumbs to his broken finger and can't play the next Text. Will my pick, Usman Khawaja, finally get a game? Let's hope so. Surely we can't allow confirmed metro girlyman, Michael Clarke, to captain Australia in an Ashes test though ? Surely ? Let's give it to Hussey as a temporary measure, anything but Clarke. Besides, Clarke needs to get a few runs after again looking dreadful in this match.

What about the spinner's rotating Ferris wheel? Nathan Hauritz has just bashed his second consecutive Shield hundred and is taking wickets whereas lucky number 62, Michael Beer, took exactly no wickets in the Shield game he just played in. Poor old The Bowler formerly known as Xavier, took one wicket in his Shield game. If we picked this stuff on form, not on how the waters of Andrew Hilditch felt at a particular time of the night, Hauritz would be straight back in. However, as I am sure has been amply demonstrated to us, Australian spinner selection and sanity have not played well together for a couple of years now.

Despite Michael Hussey getting what can only be described as "carried away" on the 4th morning, Ryan Harris bowled well to finish off the game for Australia

***********

In stunning news that will almost certainly open the door to the time share arrangement Dave and I have thrown down on the table, Shane Warne, artfully described as the "Teflon Bogan" by Dan Silkstone in the Sydney Morning Herald, has already cheated on Farmer Liz and been dumped. Not only does Shane appear not to be slowing down, he seems actually be working quicker and quicker as he gets older.

It seems that at the same time Shane was wooing mid 40s London house wife Liz, he was sending a text message or two (OK, about 100 or so but who is counting? Actually, the woman's husband was) to a mid 40s Melbourne house wife. At least he has standards, of a sort. Anyway, the messages themselves are a real insight into how a lady likes to be courted. The Australian education system could do much, much worse than teach some of this gear in schools.

For example, one that stands out as simple, charming yet crystal clear is:

"I want to see you riding me"

I presume Shane was explaining what his yellow Lamborghini said to Kevin Pietersen which caused Shane to lend it to KP but who knows. Poetry is notoriously open to interpretation.

Shane isn't all simplicity and clarity though, he also knows how to turn on the romance. For example:

"Thinking of you, and yes very very horny today!!! Big kiss xx"

Wonderful really how he both conveys a hint of mystery (he never quite explains exactly what he is thinking about the lady) and at the same time opens up to her about his own feelings (something men are often chided for being unable to do) and then he ends it with a gentle brush of the lips upon the nape of her neck, leaving her breathless, dizzy and yet desperately wanting more.

I must confess though, that I do feel Shane is taking a tiny turn towards the possibly sinister. He does appear to be straddling, at best, the line between obsessively text harassing the lady and out and out stalking. Again, straight from the phone we have:

"Mmmm...looks like your busy in there today – your looking very hot I must say"

Apparently Shane was watching her from his office (yes, really) so thought he would take the opportunity to pass on his regards. Goodness knows I am no expert in the art of peeking through the curtains into lady's houses, but I would have thought that the law takes a slightly dim view of this in 2010. Perhaps not if you are the Teflon Bogun.

In further Shane news, I actually watched a couple of minutes of his TV show the other night and can happily report that it does indeed pip Matthew Hayden's backyard landscaping offering as the worst piece of television ever put to air. It started with Shane in full cricket whites (I presume to remind us that he used to play a bit of cricket and wasn't always a crack TV host) with teeth that were so white that they actually caused some distortion of my television picture.

They then showed a minute sample of what was to come over the hour. We were treated to a snippet of an interview with Jeremy Clarkson from UK TV show Top Gear, who explained to us that he was terrified of cricket due to his hay fever. Then we got to see three quarters mad Scottish singer Susan Boyle giggle as she started to answer Shane's question on whether she preferred men in kilts or Australians (please don't have passed on your mobile number Susan, this bloke has the energy of a small yappy dog on heat). Lastly, we saw a tiny bit of what appeared to be the most awkward moment ever caught on camera with current Australian cricket captain being interviewed by the man that still clearly wants his job. Not as many giggles in this interview it would seem. At this point, I turned off.

Shane Warne: "very very horny today"; and most days it would appear

Should be a couple of great Tests in Melbourne and Sydney now. 5 day cricket really is wonderful isn't it ? I have decided that it is time to declare: if you don't like Test cricket, you don't like cricket. Full stop.

The man with the Lion tattoo roars as he prowls the plains of Perth

Well, the man with the Lion tattoo took this Test, and possibly the Ashes, by the scruff of the neck by turning in a superb performance of fast, swing bowling. No one English ever believes me, but when he gets it right, he is the best bowler in the world, he really is (he is also the cleanest hitter of a ball since Gilchrist). The trouble is, he has a heart the size of a pea and rarely performs like he did on this day. Let's see if he can make it permanent this time.

There has been more written about Johnson's technique than War and Peace but for me, and probably everyone else, the key is the height of his arm at the moment of release. In his top form, South Africa in early 2009 when he really was close to unplayable for example, his arm isn't completely upright but it is sure higher than it was in Brisbane or was for the past 12 months. Today, it was back to about as high as it has ever been. Let's hope his intensive net sessions during the Adelaide Test included a heart transplant as well. If it did, we might have a tiny bit of hope for the rest of the series.

Whilst our bowling looked better, our batting remains the same. The performance during the first 40 minutes of the first day was insipid. Hughes looked out of his depth, again, but that is not surprising for a bloke averaging 16 in first class cricket this year. I am not picking and sticking with him. Ponting really looks a bit past it now, playing some very loose shots and Clarke was similar. Watson, Hussey and Haddin again looked good but Smith appeared a long way short of a Test number 6 to me but at least he showed some application. Credit to England though, their bowling was again top class; good partnerships and lots of pressure.

The second Australian innings, so far, has been exactly the same. Effortless from Watson and Hussey and loose from Hughes, Ponting and Clarke. Ponting really is a worry. If you are gone at this level, it is pretty close to impossible to come back, no matter no determined you are. Your eyes and reflexes just don't regenerate. I believe that his only hope is to tighten up a little at the start of his innings. It worked for Tendulkar.

Mitchell Johnson's unconventional approach in the 3rd Test in Perth paid dividends

Regardless of the failures of some of the newer players, as I said previously, I think enough is enough and we need to pick and stick now. Constant chopping and changing is just going to make everyone feel like they are always playing for their places and that will only exacerbate our current problems. One person who appears to agree is former Test cricketer and current father of hidden love child, Dean Jones.

In a remarkably thoughtful think piece, Jones is another voice behind the case for a bit of good old fashioned, mid 80s pick and stick.

Says the man who almost killed himself scoring a double hundred in the 1986 tied Indian Test:

"Test cricketers aren't born overnight. It can take 20 years of hard work in the game for a cricketer to realise his potential as a Test player. It took Steve Waugh 27 Tests to score his first Test century. It is very frustrating at times dealing with young players, but you must show faith, remain positive and be patient"

He is right of course. We pulled ourselves out of horror in the mid 80s by doing this and England fought back from some terrible times in the 90s with the same method. It indeed can be frustrating (ask anyone that watched Mark Waugh scratch around for the last couple of years of his Test career or endured Collingwood being unable to get one off the square for months on the trot) but in the end it works.

But first you need to acknowledge that you are in trouble (no more mad pronouncements about rotating people out of the team in the middle of an Ashes series, no more public contradictory announcements by different selectors). Let's just admit we are in disarray and do something about it. Then, you need to pick and stick with intelligence. As Roebuck reminded us, being young is not enough. Youth must be couple with a strong mind (as you as going to fail for quite a long time before you succeed and you must come through it) and a good technique; Test cricket finds things out that first class cricket often doesn't. The last thing you want is to be sticking with someone who just isn't going to make it or is trying to adjust their technique in the middle of a Test match. By this yardstick, Hughes and Smith probably struggle to make the side on technique grounds and Usman Khawaja and Callum Ferguson come in (with Mike Hussey taking one for the team by opening).

While we are taking about Deano, he also mentioned my original cricketing hero, Rod Marsh who he met when making his debut:

"I was greeted at the door by Marsh, who proceeded to put his hands around my throat and slam me against the wall, yelling, ''If you don't get us past 200, then don't walk back into these rooms!'' Nice to play cricket with your mates, I thought. With the help of Rod Hogg we got past the total and won the match pretty easily. Marsh handed beers out to everyone and then motioned to me to ''get in the corner and don't say a word''. Nice bloke … not"

If I didn't already know it after meeting Steve Waugh in 1997, it is probably best to avoid meeting your heroes.

On the topic of Rod Marsh, he mentioned The Man with the Lion Tattoo, at a pre-Ashes breakfast the other day when the subject of tattoos came up:

"I would have told Mitchell Johnson to take 'em off – and Michael Clarke as well, how can we have a bloke captain Australia with tattoos? It's just not on. We'd have pulled 'em out, I reckon"

After learning a little more about Rod through Deano, it seems Rod might have thumped them both as well; probably justified in this instance though of course. At least someone is standing up for good, common sense 1970s Australian values.

Back in 1985, Dean Jones (pictured left) proved that it was indeed "very frustrating at times dealing with young players"

Final Point: Interesting comment on the already forgotten lucky number 62, Michael Beer from Adam Gilchrist as reported on the cricinfo live commentary.

"Adam Gilchrist is on Channel Nine, telling of his experience with Michael Beer, who until recently worked at the Puma factory in Melbourne. Gilly used to go in and sign a few hundred bats every year; Beer's job was to unpack them all and get them ready for Gilchrist"

Lucky number 62 indeed.

Whichever team ends up winning this Test, at least we have a really interesting contest now. Sure, I used to say that about England putting up a fight in previous Ashes but I will ignore the irony and take what I can get at the moment.

Send in the clowns

I have to say that I am now strongly suspecting that Dave is actually an investigative journalist after his latest post. He seems to have done as much, or possibly slightly more, research than the crack team over at News of the World. Obviously I am also awaiting the reply from Farmer Liz but am slightly concerned about the arrangements. Liz, time share is available and the fact that we are both in almost completely opposite time-zones might make things a little easier to sort out over a 24 basis. Please note, some travel may be required and we probably both need to be at home when our wives are out to look after our respective children so we will need a little advance notice to help us re-jig our calendars. That said, I am sure it is all workable.

Well, the 3rd Test starts tomorrow so it's all eyes on Perth. With myself on holidays, one child at day care and the other too young to object, it might be my first all day Test match session for quite a while. I just hope I get to see lucky number 62, the Beer Man. Let's see.

********************

While we all get ready to have another sleepless night, there are a couple of things that I thought it might make sense to review. The first is of course Nathan Hauritz's garage sale which just happened to include some of his Australia cricket uniforms, jumpers and other Test match related bric-a-brac.

First the Telegraph in England reports it and the world, myself included, is in uproar. I mean, I have given the odd slightly too honest exit interview from work but this would be like me coming back from the pub on my last day, going into a server room, dropping my dacks, weeing all over the Production servers, leaving a little bit spare, coming back into the office space and offloading the rest of the no doubt somewhat beery number 1 all over my colleagues bags (and a big hello to the nameless gentleman I used to work with who actually did this. Who said dignity was dead? My bag missed the spray if you were wondering). So you can understand my concern.

However, I was almost reassured by former Indian coach, Greg Chappell, when he said that it was all a

''a very innocent action and it was made to look like something sinister'', as the Australian Test uniform items he discarded had been obsolete.

Oh were they indeed? Probably fine then. Greg then really relaxed me with

''What he was doing was cleaning out some stuff that had been hanging around at his place for some time. The Test gear that he got rid of was three years old, not stuff that he can use, and he was raising money for a cricket charity related to Papua New Guinea"

Look, for a start the only people that play cricket in PNG are Australian religious missionaries and if they take your wicket, the rules are you have to convert so from what I understand there are neither many takers for the games, nor particularly large crowds. Secondly, Nathan was actually selling, at a garage sale in front of his house, Australian Test cricket gear (and not for much it appears) and this was confirmed by an Australian selector. Not fake stuff, not slightly iffy gear he bought from Channel 9 in a frame 13 years ago but real, honest to goodness Australian Test cricket stuff. Now, the fact it is 3 years old is a teeny bit irrelevant in my book. The relevant bit is that this was all done a day or two after lucky number 62, Michael Beer, was selected to replace the man that replaced Hauritz. Am I the only one that can see a connection?

Our selectors have driven another spinner to despair and this time it was a bloke who gathered himself a relatively respectable set of stats. Well done boys, lets move onto the quick blokes next and by this time next year, we will be picking 11 batsmen and opening the bowling with Michael Hussey's dibbly dobblers.

Speaking of selectors, and Greg Chappell in particular, we were all treated to a wonderful insight into the future with the former Indian coach this week when he informed us, with a straight face, that the man with the pussycat tattoo, Mitchell Johnson, was left out of the second Test not because he took something like 0/168 in the first Test, not because he has bowled fairly poorly for quite a while but because, he was always going to be rested because he was on rotation. Were Mitch and Australian cricket on a break or something? Which one is Ross and which one is Rachel ?

Said Sourav Ganguly's best mate,

"We didn't plan for Mitch to struggle in Brisbane, but certainly we had made plans beforehand to leave him out of the second Test because we felt the conditions would have suited Peter Siddle, Ryan Harris and Doug Bollinger"

This is such an enormous insult to my intelligence that I am not going to spend the next 3000 words breaking down, in detail, why exactly this is just completely ridiculous. I mean honestly, who does Greg think we are ? What world does Greg live in ? First he picks The Bowler, then shoves Lucky Number 62 into the spotlight and now he coughs up this piece of green, wretched phlegm. Greg, we are not all little Trevor, we won't all be bullied into compromising our faculties. If this is the sort of insulting bits of bone we are going to get tossed from time to time, then we may as well give up now.

Greg, for the record: bullshit; and you know it

Always remember, when your employee was forced to write a long, long, long letter to his former employers explaining why it was all actually someone else's fault then it was actually all your employee's fault and was lying or it was someone else's fault that time but he did all sorts of other gear that he never got caught for. Either way, you hope you catch this little bit of previous work history in his notice period, if not in the interview. Did we not check references?

The most recent addition to the selection panel, former Indian coach Greg Chappell, shows off his latest idea to improve our spin bowling outcomes

Interestingly, Greg has been at it again letting bits and pieces man Steven Smith know that his role is actually going to that of the team joker in the 3rd Test.

Said class clown Smith,

"For me, it's about having energy in the field and making sure I'm having fun and making sure everyone else around is having fun, whether it be telling a joke or something like that. It's to make sure we're all upbeat and we're ready to go"

I have got one he can use:

Smith: Knock, Knock

Team: Who's there?

Smith: Test debutant with 16 wickets

Team: 'Test debutant with 16 wickets' who?

Smith should be able to ad lib it from there.

I am getting a very bad feeling about this series.

Even in his very first Test match, former Australian ace spin bowler, now specialist batsman, Steven Smith, was showing the selectors everything they needed to see in order to seal his Ashes berth

Final point: Can we really play any worse ? Probably not so we might see a slightly closer match for the next 5 days. Knock, bloody, knock hey. Knock, bloody knock.

Beer batters Poms

I've given it a few days since the selection of Beer came to light before I decided to post.  I thought I'd give Stewart a chance to calm down and secondly I wanted to get a different angle on things.  Its not easy this time around with the blanket coverage of the Ashes to come from an angle that's not already been covered.

The obvious thinking for me was that this was a tabloids dream selection and so I set to work on some potential headlines ahead of the test this week.  There are two flavours to this of course:

Positive for Australia:

We Love Beer!

 Spin sensation Michael Beer fully justifies his selection with a burst of wickets before tea on the first day....


Aussies Drunk on Beer

A stunning debut from Michael Beer See's Australia leave the field on day one with a clear advantage over England.

Beer batters Pommes

Rooky spinner Michael Beer crashes a maiden test ton on day one.

Positive for England:

KP drunk on beer

Kevin Pietersen will be nursing a major hangover tomorrow after gorging himself on the gentle spin of Michael Beer at the Waca today....

 Beer turns out to be non-alcoholic variety

An insipid display of bowling from Michael Beer led to more unrest down under as he ended day 1 0-120 off ten.

Take it back!  This Beer is flat.

Aussie selectors must be losing it after a disastrous debut from Michael Beer.

Apart from Stewart bumping his gums about this selection some of the former Australian players have decided to weigh in on the issue now.  At the weekend Nathan Hauritz rather bitterly disposed of his Australian kit in a yard sale outside his flat in Sydney.  In an even more foolish move he let a Dyson vacuum cleaner go for only $50 when it was worth a lot more.

   

Nathan's yard sale was a real success with his elderly neighbours

Brad Hodge also weighed in today saying '...there is no actual criteria for test selection'

This is a man who average 55 over his 6 test career and was in his prime when Australia had more world class batsman in their team than Mitchell Johnson has tattoos on his arm.  Now as caps are being handed out to any old duffer it would seem.  The fault of the haphazard selection process is that the Australians are now casting their eyes to England for a future strategy for progressing the test team.  Unfortunately for them their eyes fell on this fella:

Ray Illingworth, the former Ashes winning captain of England.  There was a time when we actually made him the Chairman of Selectors If you want to see what the future holds have a read of that link.


Bingle's Out

It's not been a great year for Stanfords Lap favourite Lara Bingle.  First off she gets dumped by the future Australian captain  Michael Clarke and then recently she's lost her speedo contract after being dumped for a younger model. 

Can Bingle bounce back?

Sadly for Bingle there is more bad news on the way.  She's lost her position as StanfordsLap favourite cricket wag.  She's been replaced by a lady who describes herself as '...Mum, Model, Actress, Bikini Designer, Organic Farmer.'

Any ideas?  Organic farmer you say?  I know what you are thinking:

 An organic female famer hard at work doing organic shit

Well, this is not the vision of our new favourite.  I can exclusively reveal our Organic Farmer as none other than

Shane's latest squeeze Miss Hurley has charmed her way into the blog.  There's a lot more to Liz than farming.  How natural does she look with that chicken?  Harmony with nature springs to mind.  This week while the whole of Australia debated whether Shane would be donning the Baggy Green for one last hurrah against the old enemy, Shane himself was getting down to some extra circular activity with our favourite farmer.

Uncovered by the News of the World in their exclusive scoop both parties were quick to point out on Twitter that they had both rather conveniently separated from their respective partners some months ago and of course this was private and only close friends and family knew.

In between milking cows Liz managed to tweet:

Not a great day. For the record, my husband Arun & I separated a few months ago. Our close family & friends were aware of this.

Likewise, whilst taking a break from whatever it is Warney does these days he tweeted:

Hey guys been a long day ... I have posted a short factually correct paragraph to clarify situation on my website http//:www.shanewarne.com

Yeah, thanks for clearing that up.

Now I have a theory about celebrities.  They are not very bright.  Whether its videoing yourself with your partner having sex then mistakenly selling it on Ebay its courting someone in a public manner then being shocked when it comes to light.

I don't think celebrities get Twitter at all.  Let me explain, its Public folks.  Anything you tweet goes into the public domain.  As we know KP has been confused by Twitter a number of times.  So where did the News of the World get a lead on this massive scoop then?  

I'm no expert but here goes:

10/12/2010  Our Shane Tweets:

Was sat between Hugh Grant & Elizabeth Hurley , think I have persuaded her to come on Warnie For Syd test as it turns pink for breast cancer

'Come on Warnie' theres a clue there.

11/12/2010 Farmer Liz tweets:

@warne888 Oooooh, I love scary rides-remember to scream if u want to go faster!

If you think too much about what that means you may end up in counselling so don't do it.

 12/12/2010

The story breaks.

Hats off to the journos at the News of the World.

The great thing about twitter is that you can tweet anyone by merely including their username in their tweet.  So, having done a quick search on twitter for warne888 I found these nuggets:

#theAshes: truth in the old saying: **the Hurley bird catches the Warne** - @warne888 offers hope to ALL over the hill fat balding blokes 

 @warne888 We love you big fella, shag a rose xxxxxxxxxx

@warne888 always attacking the rough around the leg stump ,in and outside of cricket.

@warne888 I hear you've been geting stuck into liz hurley?? Good effort lad!

  

Oddly Liz seems to be getting a different style of tweet:

 @ElizabethHurley I have been a massive fan and am so shocked. How are u coping and feeling? Please tweet back. And smile. ****

@ElizabethHurley Im so sorry to hear about your seperation. Best of luck for you in the future. -Long time loyal fan xoxo

And oddly this one:

shaun1866 shaun whyman

@

@ElizabethHurley please retweet boycott tesco petrol stations already added the tax increase like it's not high enough

I think Shaun has lost the plot here.  Our Liz is an Organic farmer, she won't be running anything on Petrol.  She'll have an eco-car thing that runs on electricity and only produces spring water as a by product.  Admittedly she will have a tractor but that will be running on vegetable oil.

I decided to tweet Liz to cheer her up a bit.  I left Warnie off the tweet as I don't want him coming after us.

@ElizabethHurley chin up lass, we love you over at http://stanfordslap.blogspot.com.  We hope this cold weather isn't ruining anything on the farm.

I'll keep you posted as to whether Liz tweets back followed by a stream of threatening tweets from Warnie.