The obvious thinking for me was that this was a tabloids dream selection and so I set to work on some potential headlines ahead of the test this week. There are two flavours to this of course:
Positive for Australia:
We Love Beer!
Spin sensation Michael Beer fully justifies his selection with a burst of wickets before tea on the first day....
Aussies Drunk on Beer
A stunning debut from Michael Beer See's Australia leave the field on day one with a clear advantage over England.
Beer batters Pommes
Rooky spinner Michael Beer crashes a maiden test ton on day one.
Positive for England:
KP drunk on beer
Kevin Pietersen will be nursing a major hangover tomorrow after gorging himself on the gentle spin of Michael Beer at the Waca today....
Beer turns out to be non-alcoholic variety
An insipid display of bowling from Michael Beer led to more unrest down under as he ended day 1 0-120 off ten.
Take it back! This Beer is flat.
Aussie selectors must be losing it after a disastrous debut from Michael Beer.
Apart from Stewart bumping his gums about this selection some of the former Australian players have decided to weigh in on the issue now. At the weekend Nathan Hauritz rather bitterly disposed of his Australian kit in a yard sale outside his flat in Sydney. In an even more foolish move he let a Dyson vacuum cleaner go for only $50 when it was worth a lot more.
Nathan's yard sale was a real success with his elderly neighbours
Brad Hodge also weighed in today saying '...there is no actual criteria for test selection'
This is a man who average 55 over his 6 test career and was in his prime when Australia had more world class batsman in their team than Mitchell Johnson has tattoos on his arm. Now as caps are being handed out to any old duffer it would seem. The fault of the haphazard selection process is that the Australians are now casting their eyes to England for a future strategy for progressing the test team. Unfortunately for them their eyes fell on this fella:
Bingle's Out
It's not been a great year for Stanfords Lap favourite Lara Bingle. First off she gets dumped by the future Australian captain Michael Clarke and then recently she's lost her speedo contract after being dumped for a younger model.
Can Bingle bounce back?
Sadly for Bingle there is more bad news on the way. She's lost her position as StanfordsLap favourite cricket wag. She's been replaced by a lady who describes herself as '...Mum, Model, Actress, Bikini Designer, Organic Farmer.'
Any ideas? Organic farmer you say? I know what you are thinking:
An organic female famer hard at work doing organic shit
Well, this is not the vision of our new favourite. I can exclusively reveal our Organic Farmer as none other than
Uncovered by the News of the World in their exclusive scoop both parties were quick to point out on Twitter that they had both rather conveniently separated from their respective partners some months ago and of course this was private and only close friends and family knew.
In between milking cows Liz managed to tweet:
Not a great day. For the record, my husband Arun & I separated a few months ago. Our close family & friends were aware of this.
Likewise, whilst taking a break from whatever it is Warney does these days he tweeted:
Hey guys been a long day ... I have posted a short factually correct paragraph to clarify situation on my website http//:www.shanewarne.com
Yeah, thanks for clearing that up.
Now I have a theory about celebrities. They are not very bright. Whether its videoing yourself with your partner having sex then mistakenly selling it on Ebay its courting someone in a public manner then being shocked when it comes to light.
I don't think celebrities get Twitter at all. Let me explain, its Public folks. Anything you tweet goes into the public domain. As we know KP has been confused by Twitter a number of times. So where did the News of the World get a lead on this massive scoop then?
I'm no expert but here goes:
10/12/2010 Our Shane Tweets:
Was sat between Hugh Grant & Elizabeth Hurley , think I have persuaded her to come on Warnie For Syd test as it turns pink for breast cancer
'Come on Warnie' theres a clue there.
11/12/2010 Farmer Liz tweets:
@warne888 Oooooh, I love scary rides-remember to scream if u want to go faster!
If you think too much about what that means you may end up in counselling so don't do it.
12/12/2010
The story breaks.
Hats off to the journos at the News of the World.
The great thing about twitter is that you can tweet anyone by merely including their username in their tweet. So, having done a quick search on twitter for warne888 I found these nuggets:
#theAshes: truth in the old saying: **the Hurley bird catches the Warne** - @warne888 offers hope to ALL over the hill fat balding blokes
@warne888 We love you big fella, shag a rose xxxxxxxxxx
@warne888 always attacking the rough around the leg stump ,in and outside of cricket.
@warne888 I hear you've been geting stuck into liz hurley?? Good effort lad!
Oddly Liz seems to be getting a different style of tweet:
@ElizabethHurley I have been a massive fan and am so shocked. How are u coping and feeling? Please tweet back. And smile. ****
@ElizabethHurley Im so sorry to hear about your seperation. Best of luck for you in the future. -Long time loyal fan xoxo
And oddly this one:
@ElizabethHurley please retweet boycott tesco petrol stations already added the tax increase like it's not high enough
I think Shaun has lost the plot here. Our Liz is an Organic farmer, she won't be running anything on Petrol. She'll have an eco-car thing that runs on electricity and only produces spring water as a by product. Admittedly she will have a tractor but that will be running on vegetable oil.
I decided to tweet Liz to cheer her up a bit. I left Warnie off the tweet as I don't want him coming after us.
@ElizabethHurley chin up lass, we love you over at http://stanfordslap.blogspot.com. We hope this cold weather isn't ruining anything on the farm.
I'll keep you posted as to whether Liz tweets back followed by a stream of threatening tweets from Warnie.
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