The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them
Background: The Fonz famously couldn't say the word "Wrong". Instead, he would pronounced it "Wrrrrrrrrrrrr" and fail to complete the word. At the risk of copying Ron Howard's best work, about Mitchell I may have been "Wrrrrrrrrrrrr". He was always one of these guys that seemed to be picked for no reason at all. He specialised in bowling full tosses two feet outside off stump at 3rd change; the classic "rest the guys I have confidence in" position. Not sure how it happened, but all that seems to have changed. He now bowls about 150km/h and barely dips in speed at all during a Test; a very rare ability. During Feb and March of this year, he absolutely shone in South Africa, bowling some of the most hostile spells seen from an Australian player in decades. He has now broken Graeme Smith's hand twice and during the spell in which the second break occurred, he bashed up all of South Africa's top 6 including hitting Kallis on the chin, which required stitches. To top this off, in the same series he scored 96no, including a new Australian record of 26 in an over, and then absolutely slammed 123 in another Test. Of course, we are now desperate to have him as an all rounder. In the same series, he even managed to swing the ball ! This remains his weakness; gun barrel straight on soft English pitches sometimes leads to Brett Lee like figures
Peter Siddle practices the fast bowler's Doosra
Age: 27
Poser Status: Not really enough of a presence even to be rated here. Thommo would have ignored him in the 70s and when Nathan's book came out mentioning Thommo's rudeness, the great man would have been genuinely shocked that he ever shared a dressing room with anyone named Nathan and certainly wouldn't remember ignoring him; or in fact even seeing him
Background: Nathan poses the most basic of selection questions: Why would you pick a bowler to play for their country when they average 46.53 per wicket in first class fixtures ? It is like picking a batsman averaging 15 with the bat: pure, and completely unadulterated, madness. Anyway, we tried all the others so Nathan is our man of the month or "Last Spinner Standing". Everyone knows a story like that of Nathan: young man picked far too early, promoted to his level of incompetency as my Father-in-Law would say. Flew too close to the sun and descended very rapidly. In the case of Nathan this was from a Test appearance all the way to Brisbane first grade in a few short months. By his own admission, batsmen went after him and he just couldn't cope so he bowled darts. After a few years in the wilderness, he moved from Queensland to NSW without the promise of a contract, where Greg Matthews took him under his wing. Yes, I know the risks of getting Greg involved at any stage of a player's development but it seemed to go OK and Nathan was playing the odd State game every now and then whilst slowly working his was back to obscurity again. Amazingly, after we discarded Warne replacement 24 or whatever it was then, he was picked again late last year, pretty much out of club cricket, and is now our number one spinner. Expectations are so low for Nathan that if one morning he manages to get out of bed and make himself a cup of tea, his tour will be seen as a major success. If you see Nathan bowling more than 10 overs in an innings in any Test, we are either so far ahead we don't care or so desperate we will try anything. Nathan is a black and white sort of player and doesn't really encourage much grey
Longevity: Sort of like the girl you went out with to keep in practise and prove to the other ladies that there was something to you that they had failed to spot, whilst all the while waiting until someone better came along
Decision: Picked only if we have 10 players left fit on tour and swine flu has cancelled all incoming flights to Britain
Nathan Hauritz practises his grimace and head scratch in preparation for a Test appearance
Age: 33
Poser Status: Low and steady. Thommo would have gone out finishing with Stuart (whom would have been known as "Clarky" back then) on a regular basis during the 70s. The elbow injury he has just recovered from would have been brought on by lifting beer to mouth, not over practising
Background: Nice tall, upright action with a sense of control that lead him to be tagged "The New McGrath". If he has regained full fitness, should be a real asset in England. Gets some swing every now and then and nips it both ways off the seam. His only drawback is that he seems too nice for big time cricket. But, plenty of quite ones have turned out to be serial killers so we shouldn't worry too much about this minor flaw. Still averages 22 with the ball after 22 Tests and is yet to have many average games in a row. Dependable and not too flashy. Importantly, has never recorded a Bollywood song and has no tongue jewelry of any sort. Little known fact: is the brother of an HR lady my wife used to work with. From all accounts, she was nice as well
Longevity: A few good years left in him yet
Decision: Squeaks into my team, if only to bring a mature outlook to a young pace attack
Stuart Clark: The type of bloke you would happily leave your kids with
Age: 32
Poser Status: The leader of the Pack. In the 70s, Thommo would have been so shocked at the Bollywood song fiasco that he and Lillee would have hired a couple of Dougie Walter's mates from Epping Pub to club him to death and throw him in the harbour.
Background: I think I have Lee-Fatigue. I am sick of seeing him in his undies on the side of a bus or singing love songs with a 70 year old lady. On the playing front, after a good 18 months or so post McGrath, he is now back to average again, bowling around 145km/h and going for runs. He positively leaks runs in England so represents a huge risk this time around, especially as his preparation has been going for around 13 an over in a few 20 20 matches and re-streaking his hair. At least his no balling is coming along a treat
Longevity: A massive backwards step
Decision: To Lee, or not to Lee ? I would make him carry the drinks in all 5 Tests to help him learn his place but I bet they pick him ... and I bet he goes for a bundle. Final Note: When Jason Gillespie worries that an Ashes series is going to finish your career, you really should listen. Get out now Brett !
Brett Lee, pictured at home in front of a tasteful self portrait
My Australian bowling attack for the first test
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