The End of the World is Nigh

"There will be signs in the sun, the moon, and the stars, and on earth nations will be in dismay, perplexed by the roaring of the sea and the waves. People will die of fright in anticipation of what is coming upon the world, for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. But when these signs begin to happen, stand erect and raise your heads because your redemption is at hand"

Luke 21:25-33

An Australian WAG inspects the Evening Standard's coverage of the Shane Watson selection

Repent

Repent now

Repent strongly

Repent repeatedly

The end of the world is nigh

There can be no other possible explanation for the selection of Shane Watson as Australia's newest opening batsman. Save yourselves while there is still time, the world is falling apart.

Whilst I have been calling for the dropping of Twist and Shout merchant Hughes for a while now, it was never my plan for him to be replaced with an all rounder who has been injured for the past 10 years.

This is a complete, utter, unmitigated, unadulterated, clear, concise, obvious, blinding and woeful disgrace.

Shane has opened the batting in real cricket a grand total of 6 times for innings of 0, 0, 0, 15, 13 and 0 (for Queensland in 2006 / 07 when he was trying to make yet another comeback into the Australian team after injury and sensed a potential place at the top of the order). His average opening the batting is therefore 4.66666667

Has cricket become so commoditised, so 20 20 focused, so grey and unspecialised that anyone can open the batting in a Test match ? I strongly doubt it but this seems to be the intimation here. It is ridiculous. If you look at some of the wonderful opening batsmen Australia have had over the years, it brings tears to my eyes seeing Shane's name amongst them. It is an insult to opening batsmen across Australian first class cricket

There is no doubt that Shane is a capable cricket but this experiment will end in tears, mark my words. Before it does, let's have a short walk down memory lane, hand in hand with the man himself

"Wato" Watson is a massive bloke; always has been. He is built more like a body builder than a cricketer which probably explains most of the reason for the key achievement of his career: injuries. It is a shame really that quite a talented player is far more famous for falling apart than for achievements on the field.

It all started for Shane with stress fractures of the back in his teens (a few times). Then he moved onto everyone's favourite, the hamstring which he pulled out of the bag on many occasions over the course of his career. There was a quick foray back into spinal stress fractures, a re-modelled bowling action and then a thigh strain or 3, more stress fractures, another re-modelled action and then a couple of calf injuries. I am sure at some point he stubbed his toe, cut his finger nails too close and got a dodgy haircut once or twice as well. The summary of all of this is that at 28 years of age, despite being the most golden of golden boys, Shane has played a grand total of 8 Test matches without much return at all

Shane moved from Queensland to Tasmania to secure a first class position at 20 or 21. A few games later, we picked him, with no real justification, along with Nathan Hauritz, in the Australian One Day side in an attempt to build for the future. Then he basically got injured for the next 7 years. During this time he, among other things

• Did some very dodgy nude photos
• Got engaged to a dancer, Kym Johnson, who then left him for her partner on "Dancing with the Stars", Tom Williams. Kym would have been a great wag by the way
• Moved back from Tasmania to Queensland because he hated the cold
• Found a new girlfriend, Lee Furlong
• Got so scared of ghosts at Lumley Castle in 2005 that he went into Brett Lee's room and slept on the floor for some company (I personally believe he climbed into bed with Brett and asked to be cuddled to sleep)
• Was Man of the Series in the first IPL
• Played for Hampshire
• Got injured

We seem to be forever trying to find a place in the national team for Shane. He seems to forever disappoint us. To quote a very wise man who spoke to me recently

"Ponting has a man crush on Watson"

I agree. That must be the reason he keeps getting back in the team.

The Ashes are gone Australia, plain and simple. When we are opening the batting with Shane Watson, we are not grasping at straws, he have no straws at all and, after searching the barn just to make 100% sure, we are down at the local farmer's market bartering for some barley as a quick substitute.

Plan the parade in the bus England and get some beers cooling in the fridge for Freddie for we have lost.

I can't believe this is happening again. The wheels are well and truly off

Not for the first time nor for the last time, Shane Watson pulls a heartilage

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Whilst being replaced with Watson must have been tough, does Hughes or his Manager have to announce his dropping before play starts on some new fangled young person's internet machine site ? This is totally lacking in class.

If mobile phones in the dressing room are banned, why not ban all players from using the Internet at all times ? What's next ? Ricky Ponting sex tapes leaked on Youtube ? There is no place for modern technology in Test cricket. We all need to grow a 70s Mo, drink more beer and struggle to use a video machine again. Life was so much simpler and rewarding then

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Lastly, I think it is great that Graham Manou gets a run in this series but I am very upset about the coverage of his ascension. There is very little mention of his keeping, only of his batting record. We all need to remember that a wicketkeeper's job is keeping wicket and sledging. He needs to take catches, collect stumpings and put the batsmen off their games. Any runs picked up in between are a bonus. Manou is a good keeper, probably tidier than Haddin but no where near the batsman. Good luck to him, I hope he takes his chance (with both hands, on the inside hip, watching the ball all the way into his gloves)