The Ashes - A family affair

Well, as it turns out, having a national cricket team that is terrible to the point of abject embarrassment, actually sucks big time. Our display in the Lords Test was about as poor a display from an Australian cricket team as I have ever seen. In fact, it was only rivalled by some of our work during the mid eighties against the might of the great West Indian team. But, as Bob Bentley (curator of the wonderful fishing blog The Nervous Mullet) has today said:

"The problem though is the West Indies were a great side. England are just a good side. Therefore this Aussie team is a bunch of" gentlemen who prefer baking cakes and fixing their hair just right (not that there is anything wrong with that).

Too right. So, that might mean, for all my protests before the series began, that this may indeed be the worst Australian side ever. I can't believe it has come to this but it requires some serious consideration at the very least. The final three Tests will show us where are. At this rate, 5-0 really is on the cards.

But that particular wallow in despair and self-pity is for another day. For instead today, we turn our attention to the impact that the Ashes has on family. And, we will do this by looking at some of my very own family; my father and my father-in-law to be exact. Both sent me some correspondence regarding the cricket today and both sum up quite nicely the thoughts of their respective countries. So, to the victor goes the spoils: let's review my father-in-law's thoughts first, for he writes:

"Sally and I watched the cricket over the last two days - only I am afraid your lot were a bunch of big girls playing rounders. Hopefully they'll get it together a bit better for Old Trafford and make a match of it. We are now full converts and are really looking forward to the rest of the series!"

England: happy and looking forward to the rest of the series.

I have to agree with almost everything here, although us being a bunch of ladies playing rounders is probably talking up our skill and resolve a touch too much. Its very nice of him to try and pep me up a little though.

And from the vanquished, my father writes:

"IS PUP DOGGING IT?

 Is Pup the best batsman in the Australian cricket side? Does he possess superior technical batting skills compared to the others in the team? Does he handle both the quicks and the spinners better than anyone else in the side? Is he an excellent runner between the wickets? Does he have a very good cricket brain – after all, he is the Australian skipper? I suspect that these questions would be answered in the affirmative by most cricket followers, even though the batting skills displayed by our recognised batsmen so far in this Ashes series have not really been anything to brag about – to say the least.

 Ok then. Let’s agree that Michael Clarke is the best batsman in the Australian team. His record confirms that doesn’t it?

 SO WHY DOES HE HIDE HIMSELF AT NUMBER FIVE? The Puppy tucks himself down in the middle of the batting order. I have been long under the impression that the best batsman in the team should be at number three, if he isn’t already an opener. Is Michael Clarke trying to preserve his record I wonder? Or is there another reason that I can’t come up with?

 Michael! You are the captain of the Australian cricket team. Show some leadership skills for once instead of coming up with those nicely sculptured lines in front of the microphones. Your team and your country need you to show some Pup mongrel. Surely you have it! Surely! You are a product of western Sydney where they breed them with mongrel in them. Show the cricket the world that you are deservedly the captain. In effect, say to us all, “I’m going to take the hard stuff. I’m going to lead from the front not down where the stuff is, theoretically, easier. I’m going in at three. I’m going to send a message to my team that I am a real leader and that I’ll lead them into battle regardless of the outcome for myself. Follow me you blokes. Follow me my country. I may not succeed but I’ll go down fighting. It’s the Aussie way you know”.

 Show us all Pup. Show us. I hope that you score buckets of runs but, if you don’t, I won’t be criticising you. That is providing that you lead the team as you should. I am waiting.

"

Australia: disappointed and searching for answers.

Again, I agree with most of these thoughts. I have never liked Clarke, never thought he had any man management skills and can't believe he is our captain. He is our best batsman but I not totally convinced he should bat at three. Steve Waugh batted and 5 or 6 and he was pretty tough. Still, the gulf between Clarke and the next best batsman is miles and miles and miles and miles and, yet more, miles larger than the gap between Steve Waugh and the next best batsman in the sides he played in. So, there probably is a strong case for the king of the metro girlymen to bat at 3 after all.

Speaking of families, Dave Warner's brother Steve was in the news today. Steve has a twitter account and it has always been set to private (only his followers can see his messages). But, for some reason known only to Steve, very recently he made his account public and started sending angry messages to various members of the twitter community (including the pretty hilarious @notdavidwarner). So, predictably (well, to everyone else except Steve), these people then sledged him back, made him look silly and then looked through all of his previous messages ... and in two minutes flat found comedy GOLD. A selection are presented below for the education of young children about the risks of social media (via @fwildecricket)

A selection of what the telegraph.co.uk somewhat called charitably "a series of misguided and illiterate tweets"

Note, the rather expert use of the new phrase "escape goat" in the last message. Sledging Cricket Australia and demanding a business class seat for his brother in the second message, who recently got into trouble for twitter sledging of a journalist, is a particularly nice touch. Calling Watson selfish and a pretender in the first one is obviously completely understandable.

In no time at all, "#escapegoat" was trending on Twitter all over the country. This forced Cricket Australia to put out a statement in which David Warner stated that he was not associated with his brother's tweets, although he had every right to his opinion. By this stage Steve had already claimed he had no idea how the tweets were sent from his account, had set his account back to private and then completely deleted his account. Just what Dave Warner needs after scoring 6 and 11 against a Zimbabwean second eleven as he tries to force his way back onto the Ashes tour and into the team for the third Test. It take son hell of an effort to make David Warner look like Einstein but his brother Steve has done what previously seemed impossible. Well done Steve and well done to the entire Warner clan for their ongoing contribution to cricket related comedy.

The Ashes: bringing families together since 1882

David Warner, as seen when you read Steve Warner's tweets and then squint real, real hard