I have a confession to make: once The Ashes had been lost in Melbourne, I wanted Australia to lose the Sydney Test. OK, not by an innings, completing possibly the worst humiliation in our relatively proud sporting history, but I did want to see another England victory. No, I haven't turned double agent, the time I have spent with my English in-laws hasn't caused my brain to malfunction. I just simply thought that a 3-1 score line would not only reflect the reality of the difference between the teams but would make sure we couldn't weasel our way out of taking a long trip into Roy and HG's room full of mirrors for a good, hard look at ourselves. Luckily, England's quality and our Insipid 11 meant I didn't have to wish too hard at all.
I went to the 4th day. As a member of the SCG, I did the traditional wake up at 5:20am, rush to the ground, queue from 6:30am, be horrified just how many people were ahead of me even at that time, told off a young kid trying to sneak past me in the line, burst through the gates at 8:01am and sprint (Dave wasn't exaggerating in his 2003 post) all the way from the gate, up 6 flights of stairs and to my favourite set of seats at the top of the Noble Stand. I suppose it is all part of the day.
Not long this after I got to watch the strange spectacle of the two umpires giving each other catching practise with a 20 20 mongoose bat. Umpire Aleem Dar started with about 40 close in catches provided by New Zealand umpire Billy Bowden, of which he caught almost all. Then he ran about 50 metres away and Billy gave him high outfield catches of which he caught approximately 0. The day was always going to be a bit odd after that.
Without taking you through the full and detailed horror of the day, from an Australian point of view, basically I feel I watched Australia hit rock bottom. If our cricket team was a crack addict, this would be the time they woke up in a pool of their own wee after having sold Grandma's false teeth for a hit and realised that they probably had lost control of what was once a controlled social lubricant and called home for the first time in 9 months, crying and begging for help.
You probably followed the progress of the game but essentially England tonked us all round the park in a thoroughly professional display of lower order batting whilst we bowled a bag mixed with horse dung and rotten eggs. The pitch was a road. A particular low light was the man with the kitty cat tattoo, Mitchell Johnson, after being lambasted by the Barmy Army and then having an over taken for 20 by English off spinner Graeme Swann, being so spooked that Peter Siddle needed to take his place on the fence in front of the English supporters. What a total girlyman. Has this ever happened in the history of Australian fast bowlers? Almost certainly not. Richard Hadlee spent a summer here once with all the crowds chanting that he was a "wanker" and he kept standing in front of them. English bowler Gladstone Small once had the honour of a Melbourne crowd amusing themselves by making monkey noises at him and throwing bananas but he stood his ground. The Army chant that Mitch bowls shite and rows with his mum and he runs a mile. He should never represent his country again.
Then we batted and all of a sudden the pitch was full of venom and the ball was swinging all over the place, whilst often landing on the same, pretty difficult to play spot, time after time. As good as the bowling was, our batting was dreadful. We prodded at wide ones, ran ourselves out and generally let the pressure of consistent bowling destroy us. By the time I got in the car to drive home, we were a laughing stock and the game, barring rain, would be over early the next morning. I would get my 3-1 wish but at the cost of our sporting dignity.
Well done England. You out-played, out-thought, out-supported and out-planned us. Except for a 300 run partnership and the brief roar of a man with, on that day, a Lion tattoo, you might well have won 5-0. You were by far the better team and deserved your moment in the sun. You have the ability to become the best Test team in the world, I am convinced of it. Don't piss it away like Flintoff and co. did after 2005.
Ricky Ponting may not have been much of a tactician, but he would never have let the Hoff in the building. During the 5th Test, Australia got a peek at the celebrity future of the game in this country under Gen Y skipper, Michael Clarke
And so the 3-1 score line has brought the level of disgust and hand wringing that I had hoped it might. Let's see whether we really do anything intelligent with it. Everyone from Shane Warne to Will Brodie seems to have a 10 point plan for the recovery of Australian cricket so it would be a shame not to add mine. I have no idea how many points there are as I am yet to distill my anger and shock but here it is. It ain't rocket science but it just might work.
New Leadership at all levels
In the commercial world, when there is a disaster of this magnitude usually there are consequences for those that piloted the ship into the iceberg. There must be here as well.
The captain needs to change (no one can tell me we were a team this series) and it cannot be Clarke. He seems to live in a world of illusion and X-boxes. I actually don't claim to know who it might be but it can't be either of them. Cameron White possibly or Katich if he gets back in.
The selectors need to go also. After the farce of the last year or two, to hear Chairman of Selectors, Andrew Hilditch, say that "I think we've done a very good job as a selection panel" makes we want to vomit. We won't get any better until we stop kidding ourselves. 10 spinners in 4 years including Smith (now playing as a specialist batsman), Cameron White (was always a specialist batsman), Beau Casson (now not playing State cricket), Hauritz (killing State cricket but unable to get a game), etc, etc, etc, etc, etc isn't doing a good job, plain and simple. This is but one small sample of the madness of Hilditch. Nope, he, and the rest of his team, need to go as well.
The CEO of Cricket Australia must go as well. Whilst Rome burns, James Sutherland fiddles. State cricket isn't producing enough Test players but he is planning an expanded 20 20 league at the expense of first class cricket. Not good enough so gone.
Coach Tim Nielson claims that "We did everything we thought we could do and we tried everything we could have". True, with the exception of having any sort of plan whatsoever. Tim needs to go immediately.
I have no doubt that batting coach Justin Langer might yell at people nicely and tell a great yarn about his "big mate Matty Hayden" but we cannot leave balls that don't need to be played at, can't build innings, saw none of the top 4 make a hundred and can't play the swinging ball. Justin needs to be escorted out of the camp straight away.
Does Troy Cooley actually know anything about bowling? By and large, we couldn't build any pressure at all, hardly swung the ball and struggled to bowl the thing in the same place twice. I think his success for England in 2005 might have had a little more to do with the quality of the bowlers than his brilliance. I never want to see this bloke again. He is a myth
That American fielding coach? I never want to even hear his name mentioned again. This was our worse year of fielding for 25 years, an embarrassment.
All over the country, bowlers are breaking down so I want the medical staff fired as well. If I knew the name of the bloke that carries the bags, I would have his performance examined in detail also.
No one says it better than Peter Roebuck, who writes today,
"Clearly the time has come to hold those responsible to account. Let's start at the top. Substantial changes are required across the board"
Here, here Peter, here, here.
Pick based on youth, character, form and technique
All four at all times please. Youth to build for the future, character so you don't quit when the going gets tough, form at time of selection so that you maximise the chance of success and technique because Test cricket is hard and finds you out more than any other level of the game.
For example, someone may love Phil Hughes and he might be as tough as nails but he had a terrible season before his promotion and his technique is not up to it. It was never going to work.
My pick for the future, Usman Khawaja, looked wonderful despite not getting a huge score and is an automatic pick. Ed Cowan, Callum Ferguson, James Pattinson, Josh Hazlewood all need to be fast tracked. Even blokes with slightly wonky techniques like Cameron White (as skipper no less) and Shaun Marsh need to be looked at with new eyes. Hilfenhaus needs a rest, Phil Hughes should be discarded and Johnson needs to be put out of his misery and become a gay tattoo fetish model or something.
If Steve Smith thinks the way to bat two days for a draw is backing away to leg and slicing over gully or playing front footed hook shots over mid on then he should never play again. The reasons for his final innings batting display must be uncovered. If girlyman Clarke's captaincy had anything to do with it, then Clarke must never captain again. Batting like that simply says "We are gone, so let's try to make some runs while we can". It doesn't say "I am going to guts it out and do everything I can to keep my wicket". Someone might want to escort David Boon into the dressing room and have him pass comment on Smith's ideas. Someone else might want to stand by with a rather full box of band aids.
Final point on this: character also means cutting out all distractions and shunning the limelight to make sure that you succeed at this level; "Rein in the show ponies" as former Cricket Australia chairman Malcolm Gray says. Anyone turning up at events during the season or the lead up to it, especially on match days, must be sacked immediately.
Batting basics
We need to figure out why we have lost the basics so badly. England showed us how it was done: leave ones you don't need to play, make the bowler bowl to you, minimise risk and put the bad ones away. Basically, the same stuff that has been successful for 150 years.
We also need to figure out how to play the swinging ball. We have turned into flat track bullies whose batsmen commit themselves too early and can't leave it alone when it swings.
If you need to be told this stuff when you get into the Test team by batting coach Langer, then you should never have been picked. We need to pick blokes who know how to do these things, have a good captain and coach to reinforce the ideas and bring in specialist batting coaches from time to time when needed. We do not need a full time spiritual batting adviser and certainly not one that still sleeps in his baggy green.
Bowling basics
Guess what? We need to be able to build pressure, put it in the right spot for a long time and do something with the ball. Again, the same stuff that England did and has worked for 150 years.
We need to figure out how to consistently swing the ball. Like batting basics, if you can't do it when you are picked to play Test cricket, you shouldn't be picked. I agree with Mark Waugh on why England swing the ball and we don't,
"It's really simple - they get the seam straight, our bowlers don't. It's a simple method of bowling, but for some reason our bowlers cannot stand the seam up. I just don't understand it. I could go in the nets now and bowl and get the seam straight"
I have previously heard him say that he was shown how to do this in the under 12s (as was I and everyone else). Why can't our Test bowlers do it? And how have they got this far up the chain without being able to do it?
Fielding basics
We used to be the best catching team in the world but, alas, no more. And the reason for our previous success? Practise. According to Dean Jones in another surprisingly good article, 80s coach Bob Simpson:
"trained us so hard at fielding our hands bled. Three-hour fielding sessions were the norm. Players consistently vomited on the fielding track, but he made us the best fielding team in the world"
Not that our current crop of girlymen could take that of course, but how about we start by getting a guy who has actually caught a ball with his hands, not a baseball glove, to show us how to do it? Out with American baseball fielding coaches, in with cricketers that are really good at catching. Again though, have them come in, design the training regimes and drills and then the captain and coach to execute them. The specialist can come back in from time to time and tweak things or make sure we are doing what we should be doing but we don't need a full time fielding coach. We could again make some solid inroads by making sure that the system is doing this before they become State players, let alone Test ones.
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So, basically we sack everyone, start again and get the basics right. If we do it right, we can be back on top in 5 years. Do it wrong or worse, pretend things aren't all that bad, and we can be at the bottom for decades.
England captain Andrew Strauss presents now retired Paul Collingwood with a small memento of his final Test match
Well done again to England. They thoroughly deserved their win.
Yours sincerely,
In Test cricket,
Stewart Robertson
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