Its official: Warne is training in preparation for an Ashes comeback

The cricket world is in shock tonight with the breaking news that the ever reliable "News of the World" has snapped pictures of Shane Warne in a London based training facility having a series of intensive net sessions designed to whip him back into wicket taking shape. This can only mean one thing: he is making a comeback for the Ashes.

The news is especially bad for England as the story reveals that Warnie's training partner is none other than unemployed mid 40s London housewife, Liz Hurley. It is well known that the Mad Rooter plays his very best cricket when he is well and truly on the tools (see the 2005 Ashes for reference) so lining up Liz can be only terrible news for Andrew Strauss.

Well done Shane, your nation salutes you. At 41 years of age, to submit yourself to the rigours of Test match level training is almost beyond the call of duty. True, you explain, in sometimes slightly too much detail, that the Wife's best friend can also be her worst nightmare, but your commitment to the cause is unable to be matched.

Shane shows off some of the award winning preparation methods that helped him to 708 Test wickets

On a slightly more serious note (if one can ever be serious when it comes to Shane) is this really much of a scandal? Training partner Liz is separated from her husband and if Shane's wife was ever really silly enough to take him back then she has kicked him to the curb yet again now. So what we have here is really two single people getting together for a couple of nights and getting photographed. In all honesty, surely the scandal is that Warnie can land ladies of the calibre of Ms Hurley.

Shane finally shows the world the source of all the misunderstanding: that bloody Joe the cameraman

Final point: I know I probably gush a tad too much but as I don't have much time due to impending BBQ duties I need to point you to a couple of Peter Roebuck articles that have again stood out amongst my cricket reading.

The first is a wonderful examination of the confusion of Australia's focus on youth without the deeper thinking to make it successful (such as considering technique and mental strength in my opinion). For example:

"And what had they done? It is not enough to be young"

I just know he wanted to add " ... or have a pussycat tattoo or blond highlights" at the end.

The second is a perhaps even more wonderful explanation of what it is to be professional in the world of cricket. By way of teaser:

"Professionalism is a state of mind, not a pay packet. It's the sort of attitude that allowed Stuart Clark to bowl to his field at North Sydney Oval yesterday, pushing the straight men back to the boundary and keeping a full length ... Money has nothing to do with it. Professionalism means turning up every day ready to give it everything. Pride is the paymaster"

Too right maestro, too bloody right.

Off to the gas 4 burner with some beef marinated in garlic and ginger.

Beer helps Australian cricket team in troubled times

The Australian selectors announced the squad for the 3rd Test in Perth yesterday and what an amazing bunch of confused and questionable offerings it was. Honestly, I know I keep saying it but the selectors, and Chairman Hilditch in particular, need to be sacked. OK, not just sacked but shot. The lack of long term planning and complete absence of consistency is utterly unacceptable.

When I read the changes that Hilditch had offered, presumably after a thorough examination of a pig's entrails and staring at the tea leaves in the bottom of his cup for 30 minutes, I am not too proud to admit that I was speechless, literally speechless, as I tried to explain to a work colleague my thoughts. For a New Zealander, I thought he was very understanding. We are in total disarray, with our pants down, spinning around in a circle slapping the top of our head randomly. Former Australian fast bowler, Stuart Clark, who is fast becoming a cricket writer of some note, summarised it well with

"I am not convinced that another round of chopping and changing is going to fix things"

That article has a couple of quite interesting takes on cricket from a bowler's perspective by the way.

Anyway, we have gone mad and are England at their very worst. Let's hope this is indeed our worst. There are four main changes, if we exclude the re-inclusion of Ben Hilfenhaus who I still think was out with a bit of a niggle last Test, and each are well worth dwelling on. So, with heavy heart, a strong longing for our great players of 5 years ago and the knowledge that we will not be re-claiming the Ashes this year, lets have a look at the rotten fruits of Andrew Hilditch's barren loins.

Steven Smith: We have replaced specialist batsman Marcus North with Steven Smith, who a few months ago was our next Test spinner I seem to remember, despite him not having made a hundred this season. I wonder when the last time we did that was? No room for Usman Khawaja unfortunately and I worry when Uzzi is going to get his shot now.

It is disappointing that we have got to a point where we have so little options but maybe Smith's selection isn't as crazy as it seems. He clearly has loads of potential, perhaps to be a genuine Test all-rounder in the Richie Benaud mould. He is also an amazing fielder. The problem is, he isn't yet a Test class batsman or bowler so we need to manage him correctly. He needs to know his position is safe and let him learn his game at this level. We need to make sure he isn't broken before the comes into his own.

He is clearly improving though. For example, he took 8 wickets and made 8 and 46 not out in the Shield game that finished yesterday. He will certainly add some energy to the team.

Selection madness rating: 2 Hilditches

Steven Smith shows off the technique that saw him chosen as a specialist batsman for the 3rd Ashes Test in Perth

Philip Hughes: I was very excited when Philip Hughes burst onto the scene a couple of years ago. I follow the Shield scores pretty closely and Hughes was just an absolute run machine. Then he started making runs in one day games as well as 20 20. He was truly the next Ricky Ponting. Unfortunately, I made the mistake that most others made: I forgot to check whether his technique would let him replicate this success at the next level. Well, a couple of Tests against England showed us the answer and he has been in a downward spiral ever since. This year, in 7 Shield bats he is averaging 17 having made 118 runs without even a 50, let alone a hundred. He did make an 80 against England in the Australia A match but these are terrible figures.

So, rather than being about to be dropped from the NSW team, he finds himself promoted to the Australian team (without, I may add, any form at all having made 4 and 0 in his last game). Are our stocks really that low that this season's performance gets him in the team? Sadly, probably; no other Shield opener is setting the world on fire.

Word on the street says that he has been working hard on his technique and trying to make sure he stops jumping away to leg each ball (I have a tear in my eye as I type that about a Test batsman; and a NSW one at that !). The proof is in the Perth pudding. One thing is certain: he is sure going to get some bouncers and rip work.

Selection madness rating: 4 Hilditches

Philip Hughes demonstrates his "homespun" batting technique that proved so successful against the same team 18 months ago

Mitchell Johnson: Look, do we have any idea of what we think of the man with the pussycat tattoo, Mitchell Johnson? First we drop him after not just bowling poorly in Brisbane but for quite a few Tests before that. Then we don't let him, despite him asking, play Shield cricket. Instead, we keep him with the team (when was the last time we did that to an Australian player dropped in Australia?) and have him work in the nets for a few days with bowling tsar, Troy Cooley.

Then, after having played exactly 0 games to see if he has improved, the man with the pussycat tattoo is back again. Do we really have no other options? The Australian selectors should read this absolutely excellent article from Peter Roebuck, who is writing so well at the moment I think he might be on the roids, in which he explains the mind of Mitchell Johnson and in effect, the reasons why he is never going to succeed. By way of a teaser

"Had the Queenslander followed the well-established cricketing path he might have been better prepared for the life that awaited him. Instead, he has been promoted and pampered in an unprecedented manner and therefore denied the hard yards endured by comrades like Ryan Harris. Everyone could see his potential. And everyone was excited by it. The grapevine works well in Australian cricket. Unfortunately it can also cause distortions, prevent proper development"

Let's just bin this pampered, metro girlyman as quickly as possible. We need blokes with heart, not blokes who bowl badly if they have had a terse word or two with their mums. And we certainly don't need any pussycat tattoos.

Selection madness rating: 4 Hilditches

Mitchell Johnson gets in some much needed practise for the 3rd Test in Perth

Michael Beer: I still struggle to find words to express quite how angry I am with this selection, although I thought Stuart McGill's choice of '"gobsmacked" and '"unqualified" were a pretty good start. Let's start at the beginning.

Michael Beer first played First Class cricket on the 10th of October, 2010. By my calculations, this was 62 days before he was included in the Australian cricket team. During this time, has he played 5 first class games (4 Shield games and a game against England) and was starting a 6th game when he found out that he was an international cricketer. In this comprehensive career, he has taken 16 wickets in total (not in a game or season, in his first class career) at an average of 40 with a best bowling of 3/39. Not really the sort of amazing start that you would expect, given his call up, 62 days into his professional cricket career.

Didn't you used to have to earn a baggy green ? Wasn't it valued and precious? Not any more, all the kids have got one. If ever you wanted an example of the crazy "every kid wins a prize" society that we live in, this is it. Do we really expect Michael to handle pressure when he has had to fight for nothing to get into the team?

Incredibly (although I no longer find anything that our selectors do to be incredible any more), even Hilditch himself seemed fairly shocked by his own decision.

"The reality is, he's got no international experience and it's a big call from us to throw him into this position"

Umm, yes it is a fairly big call Andrew. You seemed surprised he was included, does the cleaner pick the team or something now?

"But everything we get back is [he is] someone who is going to handle that pressure, which is critical."

Note the use of the phrase "everything we get back". In this you should read, "none of us have ever seen him before but Warne mentioned him a few weeks ago so I thought maybe we would give him a go".

Look, I hope he does well, I really do. But my point is, if he succeeds it will be total luck and the selection will still have been a wing and a prayer by a bunch of blokes with no plan. There is just no way someone can have seen the magical "something special" in 62 days, 5 games, 16 wickets and one or two 3 wicket hauls. Beer is another log on the bonfire of Australian spin bowling that we set alight when Warne retired.

Selection madness rating: 5 Hilditches

Chairman of Selectors, Andrew Hilditch, let me introduce you to Michael Beer (lucky number: 62). Get a good look, he won't be around long

Anyway, there they are: our chosen few. I am sick of all the chopping and changing, let's see some cocks on the block this time. Let the selectors live and die by these ideas. Let's, seriously, just leave them all there for 15 Tests with no changes, except in the case of serious injury. There is no way we could do any worse and we might just create a few international players out of it. More than likely, we are going to bury a few blokes in the process, but what have we got to lose? Both our pride and the series are gone so let's double up, go all in. At least we will all learn how many puns of "Beer" can be created.

Come on Aussie, come on, come on. Come on Aussie, come on

Anyone?

On girlymen and car park dust ups

Well, that was as great a shallacking as I have witnessed for many, many years. England completely and utterly outplayed us in every department. That said, we were absolutely woeful which really makes all of the tough sounding positivities that our team and support staff keep repeating before the series look all the more silly. Still, you can only play as well as you are allowed and England gave us nothing.

Aside from the mental scars, this Test has not been without cost for either side. Simon Katich, our most un-soft lad metro boy, is out for the series with an achilles injury. This is bad news on many fronts. One, he has been our most successful batsman over the past couple of years and, two, he is the only guy guaranteed his place in the rest of the series, before the injury, who has any serious captaincy experience. More on this later. Besides this, without him, I lose a constant source of material about mad blokes who thump their metro team mates in the change room. Stanford's Lap salutes you Simon. Let's hope this isn't the end of your career because, as many people know, achilles problems are notoriously difficult to recover from.

Before we move on, can I just quickly contrast Katich with the most metro of them all, Michael Clarke. Katich destroys his achilles but still fields in close and opens the batting, all whilst in lots of pain and being unable to run. Clarke smashes one onto his pad, fails to walk, gets given out, looks ridiculous, wonders off and and rather than going straight to the nets or into a dark room for some good old fashioned self harm, he jumps on bloody twitter and, worried about his image and advertising deals, tweets (if that is a word) that he is sorry about not walking. Unbelievable. Shouldn't the vice-captain have been worried about what to say to the boys to try and pep them up for a miracle the next day? Shouldn't he have been apologising to his team mates for such a come-apart to a part timer? Shouldn't he at the very least have been sinking beers and getting morose? Looking for a stink with a retired 55 year old former England player? Something ?

This kid is not leadership material. To use a well worn, but still oh very effective phrase, "Tell your f*cking story walking pal". Literally this time in fact. We are doomed if our up and comers are all girlymen like this. My hero, Peter Roebuck, thinks that they might well be. And yes, I love Peter OK. Get over it.

England also have a star out with Stuart Broad falling foul of a stomach injury. England will miss him as he can contribute handy runs down the order and his bowling is much improved. He might have fancied himself on the Perth pitch as well. Again, from a personal point of view, it unfortunately removes an excuse for me to keep bringing up how I am still cranky with his Dad for piling on the runs in 86/87. Hey, I might just try and work it in anyhow. England, avoid the temptation of picking Tim Bresnan. What's that bloke here for? You guys have lots of better bowlers than him.

I am not being alarmist or overly negative when I say that I just don't see how we win one from here; not how we win the series but how we win a game. Momentum is a difficult thing to shift and it is well and truly against us at the moment. Come to think of it, so is general skill level unfortunately. Still, aside from wallow in self pity and get our outsourced Pakistani effigy building company working on a life sized Ricky doll, there are some things we can at least try. Lets run through them.

Captaincy

Ricky has to go, simple as that. Well, as captain anyway. I defy anyone to have watched the last 2 Tests, or the Indian ones in fact, and tell me that there is not a leadership issue with this group. I won't bore all with my assessment of his long term performance, he is just not all that good and actually seems to have gotten slightly worse. Gone.

Now, who to replace him? Katich is the obvious choice. He is an excellent leader and highly successful captain of two State sides. His achilles puts pay to that idea though. North? Another well respected captain. Ummm, might have a problem about him being in the team though.

Clarke? Girlyman. Story. Walking. Tell it. No

I actually don't know. No one else has any experience whatsoever? Cameron White to come in as skipper and number 6? Now I am stretching it. Perhaps Ricky gets it again due to lack of options. Still, you can tell we are in a total tail spin when people are seriously suggesting recalling Warne at the ripe of old age of 41 come out of retirement to be captain. Gee wizz, we have truly become England at their worst. Let's hope this is our worst.

Batsmen

I previously said North would be gone before the 5th Test and then I said the 4th Test. I need to adjust that again because he will never play Test cricket again. He is one of the most unreliable batsmen ever to have a baggy green shoved onto their head. "All Duck or No Dinner", as Colin my former indoor captain would say. Mark my words, if he holds his spot on the basis of his off spin (i.e. if he is in the side for Perth and no spinner is) then we have got miles left to fall. This will show total gutlessness from the selectors. Usman Khawaja must come in. Could he do any worse ? No and he is a good investment for the future. Got another 50 in State cricket today as well

I hate the idea of the Twist and Shout merchant, Philip Hughes getting another game but he will replace Katich, probably like the captaincy, due to lack of options. Please let him stop backing away to leg every ball. It is most unseamly for a Test cricketer.

Aside from that, the line up will stay the same. There are really our best. Should Ponting move down the order? Probably. Will he ? No chance. Let's forget about it.

Keepers

Luckily Haddin is batting brilliantly and keeping well, at times, because our number two keeper Tim Paine has a broken finger and our number three keeper (played a Test last year) Graham Manou broke a toe yesterday. Anyway, Brad keeps it; probably justified.

Bowlers

Well, yes we have a problem here. After going on and on about how he was fit for Brisbane, Bollinger gets a game in Adelaide and shows that he was completely lying all along. He was wayward, well down on pace and, as some of Dave's workmates mentioned "carrying a bit of extra timber". So he's gone.

Johnson was only dropped a Test ago and hasn't played a game since. Surely we can't bring him back.

Harris looked reasonable so he stays. Hilfenhaus had, I think, a hamstring niggle after Brisbane so he will come back for Perth. We need another quick. Mark Cameron? Getting on now at 29 and has only managed 15 first class games due to injury but in a bit of form at the moment. Trent Copeland? A stunning start to his first class career and is only 24 but very inexperienced. Maybe a good future investment. Peter George from South Australia? No way. Played one Test against India earlier this year but looked very average.

Look, I don't know. They will probably do something completely idiotic and go back to Johnson. Madness but Ricky loves him. Let's forget that and keep Siddle in. At least he has some mongrel about him.

As for spinners, well ... now there's a story. The Bowler looked about as out of your depth as is physically possible so he is gone. It is lucky that he cashed in on his Test appearances while he could. Warne's well known Spin Doctor and reformed cheque forger, Terry Jenner thinks Hauritz is still the best option and frankly, so do I. Ricky doesn't like him and the selectors won't admit a mistake, even though Hauritz has recovered a bit of bowling form in the past 2 State matches and even scored his maiden first class hundred today. He won't play.

Again, the cupboard is a bit bare here but they will either drive me crazy and keep North in for his part time spin and play 4 quicks or pick Steve Smith, who is pretty short of Test level as a bowler. If they pick Smith, let's just leave him there for 15 Tests and see if we can make a Test cricketer. We have nothing to lose and loads to gain.

*****************

What will England do ? Nothing except replace Broad and keep concentrating. They are going to difficult to beat

... and on the fifth day, the boy that looked sad began to cry

Final point: I need to pay my respects to Sir Ian Botham and Ian Chappell for managing to keep a feud alive for 33 years and get into a car park dust up at the ages of 55 and 67 at the end of the 4th day's play. Wonderful work boys, our current crop of girlymen could learn much from you. Actually, how is Chappell's schedule looking for the next few weeks? His whites would still fit wouldn't they ? Wouldn't they ?

The problem, the effect and our next spinner

As in Brisbane, England finally put us out of our misery by declaring on 5/620. Yes, I am still doing some stats and that makes 1137 runs scored for the loss of 6 wickets at an average of 189.5 runs per dismissal. Aside from losing Pieterson going for quick runs before the declaration, England again made us look ineffective. The ice cream like smooth Ian Bell finished on 68 not out and Matt Prior made a quick fire, undefeated, 27 at over a run a ball.

Happily though, Australia have been considering their recent troubles and seemed to have just about cracked it.

"That's something we've been talking about the last week, really," Shane Watson said. "What are the reasons why we haven't been able to get as many wickets as we would have liked?"

Oh excuse me, I thought they were getting a handle on the issue. Turns out they had only established that they weren't getting as many of the English out as they would have liked. Well, at least they have established the problem, I guess that is something.

"It hurts," Watson said. "It hurts in general

Well, they have also established that it sort of just generally hurts, this lack of wicket taking. A problem and an effect. Now they just need to work on the reason behind it. Not bad for two fifths of the series gone. No hurry boys, in your own very, very modern way.

Australia started with another good opening partnership but unfortunately neither batsman could go on with it. Katich [small pause to resettle one year old who woke up crying. Poor kid was dreaming about losing his very first Ashes series; and on home soil as well] struggled with an achilles problem but made a gutsy 43 whilst Watson again looked great but again failed to go on with it. It is difficult to fault how he has performed since he began opening the innings but being extra picky, he does make a few too many starts without making a big one. He needs to resolve this to really fulfil his potential at this level.

Ponting fell cheaply for the second time in the match and questions must really be asked here. The team is rudderless and Ricky isn't making runs. Is it time for him to give the captaincy away to try and make the most of his remaining couple of years? I know I have no hope of any selector seeing things my way but I think it is a must. You might just see the team pull back together and some big scores from the Boy Who Looked Sad. Anyway, that brought Clarke and Hussey together who got a nice little partnership going before Clarke, who seems to have recovered his composure, was out off what turned out to be the last ball of the day to ... Pieterson. It really is his match isn't it?

So, we are 137 runs behind with 6 wickets left. Well, 5 wickets left once you exclude North and really 1 wicket left once you exclude the four bowlers. Time for another 300 partnership Haddin and Hussey. I suspect England may be having some champagne with their lunch tomorrow.

The boy that looked sad on Day 3 appeared to look even sadder, if possible, on Day 4

My hero, Peter Roebuck, wrote a very interesting piece yesterday around Australia's newest sacrificial spinner, The Bowler Formerly Known As Xavier. Vaguely titled "Doherty simply not up to scratch", Peter summarises, as he often does, the point I have been trying to make on X in far more eloquent terms than I. In very polite terms Peter takes X apart bit by bit. It doesn't take an international cricketing word-smith to make most people realise this however. He was probably gone when Haddin tried the behind the stumps encouragement of “Good start, Doh”. Oh good gracious, now we have Homer Simpson playing for us. Never going to work.

Blind Freddy (you need to imagine a person without sight called Fred, rather than Freddy Flintoff on the open top bus at the end of the 2005 series for that to work) can see that X is not the answer. My fellow blogger Dave summed it up well yesterday with :

"The worst Test bowler I have ever seen"

Possibly a little strong but not far wrong. If you take out two batsmen who were going for quick runs and a bowler, then X has taken no wickets and cost many hundreds of runs. He has no answer and bowls darts. He won't go to Perth but who will? Peter gives us 4 possible options but I will focus on two: Stephen Smith and Steve O'Keefe

Stephen Smith: Everyone keeps telling me that he just "has something". As far as I can see, it is the ability to look completely lethargic at all times whilst still making people believe he has something. At first class level, is capable of making runs (4 hundreds at an average of 43) and take wickets with his right arm leg spin. He is also a wonderful fielder. All in all, we are in a lather about Steve .... except he, of course, averages 50 with the ball over 19 matches. So, at the moment, he isn't really a bowler at all. He is the Adil Rashid of Australian cricket: good at everything without really being good enough to get in the top side on any of them. Same age as well actually.

Steve O'Keefe: A couple of years older than Mr Smith but has only played 10 first class games. Not really near the batsman of Smith (no hundreds but an average of 51) and amazingly has a decent bowling average of a touch under 25. Bowls left arm orthodox though and unfortunately that is a skill that is more often than not, unsuccessful in the big game. Based on Xavier's selection, he might warrant a look though, especially as he dismissed Pieterson in the Australia A game before the first Test (we are willing to clutch at any straw at the moment). Probably rules himself out by having a good bowling average though, based on the past 3 years of Australian spinner selection.

Whatever we do, we need to bin The Bowler and turn to someone else. Interestingly, no one is talking Hauritz, except for me. Ricky clearly doesn't like him. If we don't go back to little Nathan then we are going to have no spinner for a few years and leave North in as basically the first choice spinner or we are going to have to invest in whomever we think has the best temperament and technique, persist with them and see if we can manufacture a Test cricketer. Please let's think this one through, I really don't want to see another humiliation on the scale of The Bowler.

Shane Warne gives up-and-comer Steven Smith some advice on wrist position during the texting of English nurses

The Salt and Pepper squid is just about ready to cook

The grinding continued at the Adelaide Oval today. No, not the pole dancing based grinding that might have presented an altogether different set of comments but England grinding Australia into the dirt in the second Ashes Test. Honestly, if Australia were a combination of rock salt granules and pepper corns then they would now be ground down so far that they would be ready to combine with some flour and rub onto some fresh, sliced squid head.

For those that are interested, my recipe for Salt and Pepper squid is one part rock salt to four parts pepper corns. Once that is ground down to a fine, but still a bit course, powder, lay out on a plate. Get your sliced up squid head and roll in the salt and pepper mixture until covered. Then roll onto a plate covered in flour that you prepared earlier (I found that gluten free flour gives a tempura type batter but you can use any flour that takes your fancy). Then heat some oil (any type really) in a pan at a very hot temperature and cook the squid for 90 seconds on each side. Serve with slices of lemon and a nice New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, drinking knows no nationalism, preferably outside when the children are in bed and the Cicadas are still singing.

The of the tape worsened considerably today. In almost 4 days of Test cricket, England have now made 1068 runs for the loss of 5 wickets. In other words, 267 runs per day for the loss of 1.25 wickets. Each fallen wicket is averaging 213.6 runs. Each session is on average yielding 89 runs for the loss of 0.41667 wickets. Tough stuff.

In between the oncoming depression, a couple of comments caught my ear / eye today. One of them cut through to the core of the issue and the other made we wonder what we were in for.

The first occurred in the early afternoon. Due to general child wrangling, I have been mainly following the cricket on the Internet, the radio and in the evening on either the highlights or the sessions during the day that I have taped. Anyway, my three and a half year old and I had spent considerable time negotiating viewing rights today. After some discussions that would have done the United Nations proud, we settled on Daddy getting to watch 15 balls of live cricket (with my son counting each ball allowed to make sure that I didn't sneak any extra in) and then we would read as many Roary the racing car stories as we could each handle (it turns out that we could each handle 5 before descending into craziness).

Around ball 4 or so I was fumbling with my phone when my son all of a sudden pronounced

"That boy looks sad"

I looked up and saw our captain, Ricky Ponting, filling the screen. He did indeed look pretty upset. When I asked my son why he was sad I was confidently informed

"Because he didn't get to hit the ball"

These thoughts worked on many levels. Firstly, Ricky was indeed sad. Forget the discussions about "tough day at the office" and cunning strategies poorly executed, if Ricky doesn't cry himself to sleep tonight then I am indeed a monkey's uncle. Being on the verge of losing a third Ashes is upsetting, let's make no bones about it.

Then there was the bit about not hitting the ball. Firstly Ricky is obviously sad because he expected to have hit the ball by now. i.e. have bowled England out and be batting by now. 4 / 500 and many is obviously not in line with the plan. Secondly, my son is obviously referring to Ricky's golden duck in the first innings and not being able to contribute batting wise to the team yet this Test. If only Channel 9's commentators were this insightful. I tell you what, Ricky had better be sad. I heard a rumour that neither he nor Michael Clarke attended the post day press conference last night and instead left Brad Haddin to do it. Sadness bordering on self harm is the only excuse I would accept for this level of leadership. Plenty of visiting captains have spent the summer being kicked around the country and still fronted up at the end of each day. We need to do the same, even when things aren't going well for us.

There was a boy that looked sad at the Adelaide Oval today. Ricky, if it helps at all, there were numerous boys that looked sad at home in front of their televisions all over the country.

The second comment that made me think was actually a paragraph emailed into the cricinfo ball by ball Internet commentary at the start of the day by someone named "Steve". Yes, I thought it might be Steve Waugh as well giving the boys a rev up. In fact, let's all pretend it was because it would be a good story. The comment was

"We'll find out how much the baggy green means to these players over the next few days. As an Aussie, I don't mind this real test of character. It is Adelaide, days 2 and 3 remember. If we can draw this, then, like England after the Gabba, we might gain momentum. But we have to deserve it. As a supporter, too, it's character building to get a taste of what others must've felt like for a long, long time. England deserve their success; let's be real: the volume of their supporters' hubris is but a measure of how much they've had to put up with ours over the years."

This says many things that I agree with.

Firstly, I like to see my cricket team tested. We kidded ourselves against the West Indies and Pakistan last season. England are a good professional team so I want to get a feel for where we really are at the moment (so far the strong vibe I am getting is not all that flash). I want to see some of the over-rated, vain, pampered kids in our team have to stand up against real opposition. I want to see Clarke prove his worth and I want to see Bollinger carry on like a goose and get wickets against good opposition (Rug, Australians love all that arms in the air, Merv Hughes impersonation gear as long as you are getting results. We will cut you off at the knees if you are not). If we get out of this match with a draw, I agree with "Steve" in that we must deserve it. If not, then I don't want to hear that we have escaped; we have simply stalled the slaughter.

Secondly, we are going to see how Australian fans cope with a bit of their own medicine now. We have dealt it out in spades for many years, have we got the ticker to take it ? I hope so but I worry. I think we have lost a little touch with reality and just expect to keep winning Series 5-0. Some of us got ourselves into a state where we thought England would never produce a good team again. We have become the North Korea of sporting supporters really.

The Bowler Formerly Known As Xavier was beginning to think that perhaps the Baggy Green didn't mean as much to him as he previously thought it did after the England team gave him a lesson on days 2 and 3 in Adelaide

Luckily, after my 15 balls of live, and commentated action, I was allowed to read stories with the television on but the sound muted. I was horrified at what I saw. Every Australian bowler was pretty much rubbish. No pressure built, no leader, no ideas. Pieterson was just waiting for a loose one and then smashing it. To my surprise, he rarely seemed to have to wait more than 4 balls before he found something to punish. Harris bowled some good ones but even he was guilty of giving away too many easy 4 balls. Doug the Rug looked very average today and was down on pace. Yet again, Marcus North was our most effective spinner with The Bowler simply not up to this level. He surely can't play in the next Test. Siddle was also mostly ineffective with Watson probably maintaining the most pressure and even that wasn't much.

This was a terrible day for Australia. We have played Pieterson back into top form, Cook can't stop scoring, Strauss has a hundred, Trott kills us, Collingwood looked good today and Bell ... well little Ian Bell at lowly number 6 looked absolutely stupendous, the best of the lot.

If I had a dog I would kick it. I don't want it to rain for the rest of the Test. We need to draw on our own merits or lose and face the consequences. Come on sunshine!

Same song, different channel

Well, the Australian Hs put up a reasonable show with Haddin making a fluent 56 and Hussey a stylish 93 and unlucky not to get his hundred. The problem was though, if you remove their scores and the fine 51 from Watson, the rest of the players, and sundries combined, made 45 to bring our first innings total on the best batting track / road in Australia to 245; around about 450 runs below par by my calculation. Captain and vice Captain made a combined 2 runs from 7 balls. We simply won't win the Ashes unless one, or probably both, of these two fire.

Despite all the problems, Hussey remained upbeat.

Hussey tried very hard with his comment of: "It's only two innings, It doesn't really make a summer or win us the Ashes". I guess in other times, with other players, I could agree with this but sadly not now. It isn't what's happened in the last few days of Test cricket but how it has happened. We have looked in disarray and England have been clearly a class above. To see it otherwise, really is living in a bubble of Australian cricket glory circa 2003 or so. I wish it was true too but it just isn't.

Most interesting of Hussey's comments was:

"Katto was just disappointed that we got off to such a poor start. He was in shock really, more than anything." Almost two hours after his dismissal Katich was still sitting alone outside the dressing room.

I mentioned yesterday that Simon would be plotting something very dark to occur to Shane Watson in retaliation for running him out and it seems it might be a doozy as it took him at least two hours of sitting alone, in the dark with his pads, helmet, box and thigh pad to come up with something. I am telling you now that the Police Detective industry could do much, much worse than to simply conduct an exhaustive search of Katich's basement immediately. I don't know what they might find, but I guarantee they will find something. Leave it too long, and I fear they might find, among other things, bits and pieces of Watto.

As for England's batting, well, did the Brisbane Test ever finish? Cook and Trott were grinding us into the dirt there and nothing seems to have changed now with Trott making another strong 78 and Cook wracking up another ton. The tale of the tape makes for very, very sobering reading for Australian fans indeed.

England have scored 834 runs for the loss of three wickets in about 3 days of Test match batting now. This is roughly 278 runs per day of Test cricket for the loss of one wicket. Think of this 3 days in a row and you get the picture: Australian disaster. Cook, who OK, I now admit is quite reasonable at Test level, rather than the decent I accepted that he might be after the last Test, has now surpassed Wally Hammond's all time England record for most runs between dismissals with Alastair having stacked on over 400 runs since he last accepted one of our polite requests to cease batting and leave the field forthwith. I said we might see a little more of Cook after the past Test and alas I am right. The most shocking thing is how fresh he seems at the end of each session and day. He is starting to remind me of the guy that holds my personal record for the most hated English player of all time: Chris Broad.

Chris was another left handed English opening batsman with a "bat in the air" style who completely dominated us over the summer of 1986/87, when England last won a series here. Over that period I grew to dislike, then hate, then respect and then back to a sort of weird combination of all three as he put us to the sword in the Tests and then the one dayers. We just couldn't get him out and he played a big part in the England series victory. To this day, I still get a bit riled whenever he appears as an ICC match referee and I am sure it is why I dislike Stuart Broad so much. Come on Alastair, you don't want me still cranky with you in 25 years do you ? The fix is easy, just stop with this incessant run scoring against us. You are embarrassing us a little now.

Anyway, back to today and we have played KP back into form as well. Just what we need, England's top 4 scoring tons against us in the next Test.

I have spent some time thinking about why we are where we are and the fact is there isn't anything that is easily fixed. England are just playing better cricket than us: batting and bowling in partnerships better than us and clearly have a much, much better team spirit than us. Former Australia leg spinner, and personal friend of Stanford's Lap, Kerry O'Keeffe, said on the radio today that he saw only individuals out there today for Australia. Very true and a huge concern. Not a great comment on Ponting's leadership ability either I wouldn't have thought.

They are also fielding and catching better than us and we seem to be getting run out much more than England. Dropped catches and run outs are a sign of a cluttered mind and judging by the series so far, ours are full of old bric-a-brac that Australian coach Tim Nielsen dragged back from his latest visit to a car boot sale.

Despite mistaking me for English, Kerry O'Keeffe was very good to Dave and I in the early years of Stanford's Lap

So where to from here ? Most worryingly of all, there isn't really much else for us to go. This really is basically our best side now. Maybe you could make a case for Usman Khawaja instead of North (well I know I could) but aside from that, this is our best top 7. It is also probably our best bowling attack. Well, aside from The Bowler Formerly Known As Xavier. Our experiment with The Bowler has without question failed. England attack him like a school kid and he has no answer. Amazingly, it seems have a First Class bowling average of 48 really doesn't equip you for Test cricket. Who would have known?

Again though, what do we do instead of The Bowler? There isn't much else out there. Jason Krejza maybe ? Probably not, not really excelling in Shield cricket. Back to Hauritz might be the only answer if he has run himself back into form. One thing is certain though, The Bowler is not Test standard and is never going to be.

Ponting is going to have to go as Skipper after this series. He has improved as a captain but is still not great and anyone that tells me he isn't struggling to hold the team together is bonkers. Katich is his replacement in my book, as well as anyone that has ever gone to a bookshop. Despite his occasional madness, Katich is a superb leader and tactician. Clarke is a vain little boy, I will march in the street if they give it to him.

England will go on and at an absolute minimum hold the Ashes by drawing the series. In truth, I see them with a huge chance of winning the series now. I just don't see where we are going to win one, let alone the two or three we need to take the Ashes back.

Two England players demonstrate the newest dance sensation to sweep the country: The CookTrott

Bowlers changed, we are back on track; almost

Well, now we are back in the series. Look out England, you are in serious trouble now. We have not only ditched Mitch but we have also dropped Ben Hilfenhaus for the man who appears to be the focus of the latest Ponting man crush, Ryan Harris.

Right, so that's the bowling fixed. As for the batting, well it was already firing. We had a three hundred partnership last game and Ponting looked excellent in the second innings so when you combine this with the bowling, I think it is all systems go for an easy 3 day victory. Well, maybe.

The cause wasn't helped by Watson running out Katich off the 4th ball of the game. Katich is well known as a gentleman of impeccable character but is prone to the odd very cranky moment or two so Shane might need to give him a wide berth for the next, oh I don't know, 3 years or so but after that he will be fine. Not a great start.

An even worse start was Ponting pulling down a golden duck first ball. Not long after, Clarke then fell for a very poor looking 2 after looking "all at sea" according to the cricinfo commentary. Look, this bloke's back is clearly not good at the moment. He didn't field in his normal position for most of the last Test, he batted badly and now again has looked terrible. Why don't we give my pick for the future, Usman Khawaja, a crack now? Peter Roebuck thinks he will definately be in the team for the 2013 series so why not just get to the future a little quicker.

At least Watson looked good again and with another potential Hussey classic in the works, we might get out of it with a competitive score yet.

Simon Katich thought long and hard about exactly what he was going to do to Shane Watson as punishment for running him out

*************

Fathers seem to be topical at the moment, with my Dad's thoughts on Johnson now well documented and my eyes still a little wet from Dave's story about 0/329 in 1989. Now there is another reason why they have to be mentioned: Ryan Harris seems to idolise my Father.

I having a quick read about the cricket to stay on top of events, I happened upon a photo of Australia's newest entrant in the revolving door of Test selection showing that he had exactly the same tattoo as my father in exactly the same place. Initially I thought it was a little strange but after a little more time I think I figured out the true meaning. You see, I believe that Ryan is actually a keen reader of Stanford's Lap and as a result has been kept right up to date with the Ditch Mitch campaign and all of its Reverse Samson Syndrome discussion. By getting the same tattoo as my Father, this is clearly his way of signalling that not only does he agree with Ditching Mitch but that he also is willing to listen to anything else my Father says. We might need to think about how best we take advantage of this. Ideas are welcome.

Ryan Harris's homage to my Father was touching, but a little over the top

Come on The Hs, another 300 run partnership please!

Mitched Ditched

Not much time today due to work commitments but a 5 minute search of the googlemachine tells me that the Ditch Mitch campaign has worked a treat. Mitchell Johnson, the bloke with the pussycat tattoo, has been dropped from the team for the second Test in Adelaide. Word on the street is that Chairman of Selectors, Andrew Hilditch, has advised Mitchell to have a shave to counter to now notorious Reverse Samson Syndrome, get a few new tattoos on his left side to balance him out and ... what was the other thing? Oh, and to learn to bowl better. He could start by contacting Steven Elliott, who I now understand was in fact an allrounder, rather than simply an out and out quick bowler, for tips on getting the seam upright.

Another person that Mitchell might want to contact is Bryce Thompson, cricket analyst and all round IT Executive extraordinaire. I talked to you the other day how Bryce had pointed out Mitchell's seam problems for quite a while but what I forgot to mention was that Bryce also wrote Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland a personal letter outlining all of the fault in Mitchell's action and wrist position as well as pointing out how they could be resolved, around 3 years ago now (how you end up with a title of CEO when you run a not for profit body of about 100 people is probably a conversation for another day). I believe this is without a doubt grounds for the immediate resignation of James. If he had acted on this information when it was provided, not only would we be one up in this series, we would have won the 2009 Ashes series, as well as sparing all of us from some very unnecessary trouble and heartache.

Whilst Mitchell was convinced that Doug the Rug was searching for exactly the right spot for Andrew Hilditch to bury the knife, Doug always maintained that it was in fact a loving, encouraging, brotherly embrace

In other news, discarded Test spinner, Nathan Hauritz, has bowled himself back into form with a 7 wicket, man of the match performance in the Shield game against WA. If he keeps bowling well, I predict we will see him back in the SCG Test. Our dalliance with The Bowler Formerly Known As will have ended by then.

By the way, we might have wanted to read one or two interviews with English spinner, Graeme Swann before we dropped little Nathan. Maybe Nathan wasn't too bad after all if Swann was planning to copy him.

"He bowled beautifully over here so I think it would be daft not to take a few little pointers from him."

Hmm, might have been good to have the guy the number 2 bowler in the world was going to copy in our team

Final Point: I fully apologise to Dave's Dad for barracking so hard during Taylor and Marsh's 1989 day of 0/329. If I had known the impact in Blyth, I never would have done it. Well, not as loudly anyway.

What's wrong with Mitchell?

Mitchell in a moment of reflection

 

I have a confession, I've never rated Mitchell Johnson.  Before the tattoo's and the tash I really couldn't see what all the fuss was about.  I'm no real expert but when I first saw his action I thought pretty much every kid in our back lane had better actions at the age of seven and none of them had been anywhere near a coach never mind a cricket club.  In fact, one of my first memories of a game of cricket at school was around that age.  We had a relief teacher at the time who decided we should play cricket.  We used a bin as a wicket as our school didn't really have much and the rule was you had to bowl overarm.  Now the new teacher didn't know this.  One of my oldest friends the autumn flame haired Steven Elliott grabbed the tennis ball after we lost the toss.  Steaming in he caused great controversy by unleashing the over arm delivery.  Inspired by watching footage of Willis and Botham he produced a side on action with a nice high arm.  DONG! as the ball hit the bin, it was like a church bell chiming as the wickets fell.  I think he finished with something like:


1-0-21-15 


In reply I batted first and against the underarm bowling of Christine Imlah I proceeded to smash the 22 required to win the match before the teacher shouted 'Come on Thompson, let someone else have a bat now'.

Steven Elliott, demon bowler at eight years old

 

You know what as Steven matured through childhood you could throw him a ball and he'd run in and bowl side on with the seam coming out.  What became of this working class bowling hero?  We'll he never played club cricket and probably hasn't played any cricket in the last twenty years.  But you know what?   I reckon if I tossed him the ball now he'd run and his action would be better than Mitchell Johnson's.  You see, its repeatable.


When your action is crap, the seam doesn't come out straight, you've got a low arm then there is little margin for error.  Add to that a fragile almost Harmison like heart its a heady mix.  Mitchell is now Australia's biggest bowling headache. 


Dennis Lillee on seeing Mitchell Johnson bowl declared him as ‘once-in-a-generation bowler’, even Ricky Ponting was publicly gushing about the abilities of Johnson and had said that he could not wait to have him in his team. Armed with the support of such greats he made his debut for Australia again New Zealand in 2005. Though it was an unremarkable debut he impressed the observers with the speed and the bounce he generated.


Once in a generation?  Come on Dennis, you're kidding right.  As for this pace I've yet to see it.  When he came to England I was really expecting something of the pace of Brett Lee or Shaun Tait.  The clue here was the unremarkable debut.  What Australia have got here is their very own version of Steve Harmison.  On his day on the right track he was unplayable, hostile and fast.  On an off day and there were more of these he was poor, misdirected and sullen.  We learned our lesson and Harmison is nowhere near the test team now.  Australia must learn from us.  Technical flaws and a fragile mind cannot be fixed easily.  Australia must move on and leave him behind.

Who are the obvious contenders for his spot?   Dug the Rug has had a fine year but come on, he wears a wig.  Is Strand for Strand hair technology not good enough for him?  Ryan Harris?  Really?


How old is Glenn McGrath?  Seriously get him in for the next test and he'll get more wickets than the current bunch.


On the flip side one bonus in this test was the bowling of Jimmy Anderson.  Haddin described the opening spell of him and Broad as one of the best he'd faced.  The English press has questioned his chances long before the tour began because of the mysterious Kookaburra ball.  It goes soft they exclaimed!  Loses its shine early, feels like an orange after 3 overs.  What will Anderson do?

England's bowling coach David Saker summed up the strategy such:

'He's bowling the ball in an area where he's always putting the pressure on a batsman to make a good decision, and if he can do that, he's always going to be an asset whether it's swinging or not.'
Glenn McGrath built his career on bowling in the right area and I can't ever remember him swinging the ball. 

A Grim day in 1989

During the fifth test at Trent Bridge in 1989 Marsh and Taylor batted all day and departed the field with Australia 329-0.  The worst part of that day was having to tell my Dad after a long day at work.  Working in an environment without a radio and in the day before saturated sports coverage my Dad would eagerly cycle home intent on an update.  Had time allowed he would have cycled to my Grandad's at lunchtime to catch a half an hour of TV coverage.  As he wheeled his bike into the garage I could see his earnest stare looking for some sort of reassurance regarding the score.  There was no easy way to butter it up.  I gave him it straight.


'Australia are 329-0'


'What?'


'Australia are 329-0'  


My writing talents can't really convey the complexities of emotion etched on his face as he unpacked his bike bag on his faithful Raleigh Gentleman

How refreshing it was that at last we have exacted some kind of revenge for this awful day in our ashes history and as Cook and Trott swatted away the Australian bowlers with almost disdain I thought of the harding working Australian men making their way home knowing what was going on.  The terse words for the wife, the impatience with the children and the maelstrom of confused thoughts. 

This is not what happens to Australians.